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To some extent, people are who they are and to expect them to be someone else, or naturally change into this other “ideal” person isn’t just a waste of hope, but it may lead to crushing feelings of failure for the one whom you want to change.

There we have it, accept people for who they are and stop trying to change them, right?

You tell me. When was the last time you had a friend, relative, spouse, roomate, church member, klansman even that you gave feedback to and they took it and ran with it?

You may expect the feedback to be taken like this:

“Oh thank you…I never knew I was a jerk. In my forty years of life, I assumed it was everyone else’s problem. Now I know better and will be more approachable.”

Sure, some of the good ones will notice of small asks such as “take out the garbage,” or “Get those reports done on time.” But more advanced techniques such as “being more empathetic” or “I want my spouse to WANT to do these things” may require a bit more understanding of the person you are talking to. And I know we all love the idea that all people are capable of the same possabilites, but we aren’t all meant to do all things.

One of the worst things that can happen when meeting with people for a problem they are having is trying to convince them to change who they are.

For example, I was recently on a daddy-daughter trip through the Mall of America, one of the biggest malls in the world. Stacked sky high full of shopping, amusement park rides, foods, toys, all the items a child dreams of. However, I noticed a few things.

1. My daughter doesn’t like to be told what to do or even offered options more than the ones she has already considered- she told me this.
2. I shouldn’t expect anything. From moment to moment, she likes one thing, but then likes another.- She even asked to eat sushi which I never thought would happen.
3. When she asks for something and I tell her “no” (rare, but it does happen), she doesn’t respond to it. But more than that, she keeps asking. Not in an annoying way or just to manipulate, but because she gets fixated on it, like can’t stop thinking about it. Much like the stuffy we saw on day one was talked about for the next two days! “When are we going to get that stuffy?” The thought would hit her in the middle of swimming, or while at dinner. Just a loop, playing around and around.
4. If you are not concrete with her, she will find the loophole. Even if you lay out the plan, she is a wordsmith with her ability to redefine the terms of what was said.- “you said “no” earlier, but does that still apply now? And were you meaning no forever or just today?”
5. She loves talking to adults that respond back to her with useful information. She finds the typical questions of “hows school” odd and doesn’t care to think of an answer. “Good” she says to keep people off her back. But if interested you get her to tell you anything.
6. She is….well, much like her mom and dad in so many ways that I am hit with reality over and over again how much I need to listen and not get ahead of myself or assume the worst.

You see, we all have brains that are wired from genetics, through birth and raised in environments that later attend to certain things and not others. We all pick up different details and hold things in our minds in different ways. We were all made uniquely by God for a reason and therefore “limits” as people like to argue, against, aren’t condemning, but freeing to find what we have no business in and then can let go of.

One theory on human development is that humans learn by association or better, relationships to something else. To understand a concept, or thing, you have to have something earlier experienced to help conceive the idea.

For example, numbers. Numbers are nothing to a baby. But as the child learns the material world and its significance, she may realize that two of something is more than one. Eventually numbers represent meaning but then the meaning is later exchangeable. Thus, two chores are not greater than one chore…unless you like chores of course.

My daughter, much like your employee, or aunt, uncle, mother, garbage man, pilot, coroner, they hold things, see things, interpret things in their own way. I am not a better parent to anyones kid because I am formed into being my child’s parent. But it has taken me a long time to better understand her as her own person to live this role as an earthly father for her to influence who she is going to be.

How many times do we stop seeing people for who they really are, only to see them for how we hold them in our heads, no matter how faulty that is. We stop listening to our friends and family because we “know what they are going to say.” Or we stop looking at our wives, employees, coworkers because we fail to see them as people.

Side note: Do you ever watch those movies with evil henchmen who just die in masses by the hero? I mean, those people were humans, with moms and dads, lives, hobbies, all of their details were just as important to them as yours are to you. And here we are, watching John Wick go through and lay them down by the dozens. Just saying, I wonder how those families are doing after our “hero” obliterates their loved ones.

Think of the employee who doesn’t do quality work because they realize they can skip the hard parts and probably won’t get caught. For this person, experience has taught them that there is little value in the work itself and the end product is what is most important. If you place this employee on a performance improvement plan, it can temporarily reinforce the fact they are being watched, but that’s about it. We hope it will instill the work as a priority, but wouldn’t we also hope they knew that already, that as adults they have worked before and that whoever is paying you, we can safely assume, wants quality work?

Old habits, or core personality traits, and core beliefs about what it means to work and value one has in work, not to mention inner feelings towards community or principle, integrity, deeper elements of quality work, their spiritual relationships, all determine what a person will do in work, long-term.

Not to sound too much like a tyrant on a Disney movie who says this person can’t do this, or can’t do that, the truth is, some people can’t do what is required to stay the partner or employee needed in the relationship. Not that one isn’t good for anyone or any job, but that this current situation, with their personality, won’t work out.

Admitting limits isn’t a bad thing, but a peaceful acceptance that you are made for some things and not for others. You aren’t made for everything and sometimes a job will serve mercy and let you go so you don’t have to keep trying to be someone you aren’t. The key from any situation is to accept it for what it is and use the opportunity to figure out what your strengths are and where you can best leverage these strengths.

Maturity, new information, new situations, encouragement or discouragement, all things can change a person’s perspective, but the change will still be from the person doing it, and will only change if the person sees some value in the change. You can’t make someone care about something, you can only show them and let them decide to care or not.

So, what’s wrong with a personality hire? As someone who is personable, I find it helpful to work with people who fit more so than someone who might have a better resume, but isn’t willing to change or learn to the human beings around them.

What’s worse than a jerk who is intentionally mean? Someone who is a jerk, doesn’t know it, doesn’t accept feedback about it, and justifies their mood and approach based on the wrong that has been done to them.

If you are looking for an employee or partner, from where I stand, I think it is the most critical to find someone who is willing to take feedback and respect boundaries of others and work demands. Otherwise, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle to someone who is the way they are and will be whether or not they get on a performance plan, an ultimatum, or simply just get ignored by people that don’t want to be around them.

In summary, sometimes your problems in life are you, not them. Take the feedback, meditate on it, ask yourself what matters to you and stop trying to cover inadequacies, but own them as equal parts of yourself.