You Think You Are Good?

How do you know when it’s appropriate to be understanding of someone’s bad behaviors? When is it necessary to take a stand against it?

How much are we supposed to give when it comes to catering to someone else worst behaviors? For example, if someone has unhealthy boundaries, and they are always in your business, how much do you endure? At what point do you reinforce boundaries? If someone is an overly critical person, how much should you listen? When is it time to share with them how it affects you?

I often hear in couple’s therapy sessions about how the couple believes they bond by justifying their partner’s behaviors. “You have to give,” is the common phrase. In reality, when we live according to the limits of someone’s traumas, triggers, or their inability to regulate emotions, we aren’t growing, we are becoming stunted. Out of this, “over-empathizing” and being passive, resentment forms.

• You cannot indulge an unhealthy behavior in someone else enough to get rid of it.
• You cannot justify an angry spouse by saying “well, their mom was mean to them.” This is not enough to finally get them to be kinder.
• You cannot justify an abusive friend by saying “well, they didn’t really mean it.” This is not enough to get them to work on themselves.

Sure, grace is one of the most important elements of any relationship. Giving is required from time to time. And if you are willing to give, then let it go, don’t hold it against the person. However, if you are continuously treated poorly, at some point the relationship goes to unhealthy very quickly.

Relationships serve a purpose. It involves growing together with someone. It doesn’t mean you just understand them. It means you participate in growing with them. Love is a verb, it requires action. They should also be growing with you.

A question you can ask yourself in a relationship, marriage, friendship even, “do I care for this person’s good?” If the honest answer is that you just want them to make you happy, then you may be at fault too. Their actions are not the only cause. You have to want for the other person’s good, and then be that good for them in their life.

Being Good?

As a therapist, I don’t change anybody’s lives that don’t want to truly change themselves. I don’t help people. I don’t fix or alter anything more than a gas station attendant that smiles when a customer comes in. As humans, we all reinforce and reject behaviors of those around us. It’s our job in a community to be honest. We should give to others what is for their good. Share with them what we notice. This can at least start their process of acceptance. If no one ever tells you a jerk, then the first person that does so will be rejected. But if the last 10 people would have said something, then that 11th could have turned to tide.

We cannot be the “good” people that fix others or have all the advice. However, we can be good for others by listening and practicing honesty. Out of love, we give what we believe to be good for the person when we see a need.

I’m not saying any of us will get this right, or that we should expect our relationships to magically improve. We shouldn’t be outcome independent. We should be good for others, just to be good for others.

You know who was the absolute best for others, even when He told them things they didn’t want to hear? Jesus Christ. He was fully man and fully God. He was the smartest man who ever walked the earth. He literally changed the course of history with his life. Then, he changed the course of eternity with his death and resurrection. Jesus was the absolute best for everyone who had the opportunity to meet him.

Being “good” is not the natural tendency of humans. We are selfish. We learn to be good. Many people aren’t taught “good” as being beneficial in their life. So, if we assume “good” to be natural and ingrained in all of us, we should consider the context of human behavior. We should remember how our environment shapes us.

God made us in His image. We have fallen from this ideal dependence on God. Now, we attempt to live as our own Gods.

Living a life of love requires faith. We must trust that what we are doing is for the good of someone else. It is not always understood by us. Also, we should never expect a reward for doing as we ought to do.