If you’re 20, maybe you have 60 years left.
If you’re 40, maybe 40 years.
If you’re 60, maybe 20.
You can do the math.
Maybe you’ll live to 85. Maybe 90. Maybe 100. But the point is the same: your time is finite.
Every day is a series of choices based on what you believe about yourself, the world around you, and what you think will be the best thing to do with that day.
Even if you don’t spend much time thinking about your life and mostly run on autopilot, your autopilot is still headed toward whatever matters most to you.
Now imagine if your beliefs about yourself, the world, or what makes for a good life were wrong.
What would you tell your younger self to keep doing? What would you tell them to let go of? Would you give them a hug or a lecture?
Now flip the question.
What would the version of you ten years from now want you to focus on today?
Recently, I injured myself pretty badly. I ruptured my quadriceps tendon. Surgery was quick. Recovery has not been.
For a while, I lost so much of what I normally take for granted. Small things like walking without thinking about it, driving, going to the gym, going outside, even wandering around the house looking for little things to do. It all disappeared almost overnight.
I know it’ll come back. That’s not the point. (Though I am open for financial condolences if you’re wondering).
But during this brief season, as much as I want to “get back to normal,” I’ve had to ask myself another question:
Do I actually want my old normal?
Or do I want something that’s more aligned with the life I really want?
Life is built on sacrifices and habits.
The unhealthy habits we often call vices. The healthy ones we try to protect.
Every day I’m sacrificing time, energy, attention, and resources for something. The question is: for what?
What do I get in return?
Do I actually feel better after watching one more reel?
Usually not.
Do I feel closer to the person I want to become?
Well…that depends.
If my goal is to be entertained or distracted for another five minutes, then sure, I accomplished that.
But if my goal is something bigger, maybe not.
Maybe the wrong question is, “Does this make me feel good?”
A lot of things feel good. That doesn’t automatically make them good.
Sometimes what feels the best today quietly steals tomorrow. Things like our sleep, our focus, our motivation, or our relationships.
This isn’t really about social media. It just happens to be an easy example.
The better questions are:
What do you want the most?
Why do you want it?
What does that say about the person you’re becoming?
And do you like that person?
If my highest goal is simply to feel good, I’ll probably leave a trail of people paying the price somewhere along the way.
If my goal is validation, looking successful, being admired, feeling smart, attractive, or important, it’s amazing what I can justify saying or doing to get there.
Feelings don’t have a moral compass.
They’re powerful, but they’re also impulsive. They don’t naturally stop to count the cost.
But is it really that bad to live for pleasure? For validation? For being liked? For feeling like you’re enough?
Especially if you can’t see yourself hurting anyone?
Here’s the problem.
Just because you can’t see the consequences doesn’t mean there aren’t any.
Most people don’t wake up wanting to become the person who hurts others.
We all want to believe we’re the good guy.
Even when we make poor choices, we usually have what feels like a good reason. Nobody says, “I knew it was a bad reason, but I did it anyway.”
So I’ll ask it again.
What do you want from the years you have left?
A couple of rules for the thought experiment:
You can’t change your past, so don’t spend your time wishing you had.
And don’t answer with “twenty billion dollars” without asking yourself why.
What would it actually change?
What would it give you that you don’t already have?
What are you really chasing?
If you’ve been investing your life into something that isn’t paying off, maybe it’s worth considering a different direction.
Maybe you don’t even have to change your life first.
Maybe you just need to change what you believe deserves your life.
Therapist note: I’m continually surprised by how many people pour enormous amounts of effort into parts of their lives that, when asked, they can’t explain. They don’t know why they’re doing it, or how it’s supposed to move them toward the life they actually want. People get into feuds, and the honest ones, when asked if they really care, will say “no, not really.” If we all met the person we could be by aligning ourselves with the most valuable thing, I think it’d be a lot easier to stop the vices and enter into the disciplines of that ideal version of ourselves.
Tag: relationships
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Something useful: What to do with your time.
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What Ice Cream Teaches Us About Jesus.
Imagine this: 400 eager students relishing the final morsels of a feast recently delivered hot and fresh from a state-of-the-art kitchen, equipped to satisfy the hunger of an army. Exuberant volunteers parade around with platter after platter of decadent, gourmet offerings. Every imaginable delight—pizza, wings, pasta, sandwiches, and an array of sides—beckons with tantalizing allure. Laughter and joy radiate from every face, as a lively dance of servers weaves through the leaders and wandering students, creating a breathtaking spectacle that is both chaotic and beautifully orchestrated.
Once the last bite is taken. A small quiet fills the room. An announcement booms over the speakers.
“Are you ready?! Let’s bring out the dessert!”
The rumble ignites with a gentle tremor, a few pounds colliding on the table, swiftly escalating into a symphony of clanging silverware, water glasses chattering, and beads of water gracefully dancing to the infectious rhythm of fervent fists and soaring vocals. Servers, like culinary warriors, grasp hot pans with oven mitts as they ceremoniously reveal heavy trays adorned with an ice-cold topping, elevating the visual ecstasy to breathtaking new heights. A magnificent slab of ice cream triumphantly rests atop a decadent cookie/cake/whatever it is, rendering your mom’s beloved homemade cookies pale in comparison to this mouthwatering spectacle.
Abundance feels great, right? It makes us feel loved and cared for. When everyone, no matter their age, can have as much as they want, it brings a sense of peace and comfort.
It’s not wrong to feel good, to have leftovers, to enjoy a full stomach.
Abundance is what we were always meant to feel. We are not made for scarcity. Even though our bodies survive well when in desperation, it shouldn’t have to…it’s stressful.
Ice cream at a summer camp designed to teach students about Jesus may seem like a small detail, but it powerfully encapsulates the essence of God’s Kingdom, a place of infinite abundance and perfect provision. Ice cream served by the slab embodies a celebration of life, requiring ample freezers, dedicated staff to lovingly cut and serve it onto 40-50 plates of delectable cookies, and the finest ingredients to craft this delightful treat. It creates a sanctuary where joy flourishes! Indeed, one could passionately assert that where there is ice cream, there is safety, there is love, and there is vibrant community, uniting us all in the sweetest of moments.
In a world of so much abundance, there is still so much scarcity. Where is the Love? We all crave what we were always meant to have, abundance beyond what we could fathom.
Do we let ourselves feel loved when we are taken care of, when we have all we need? Looking around and seeing all the ice cream lets me know I’m thought about, considered, taken care of, nourished, and there’s nothing wrong with a sweet, good time.
Pause here and ask yourself: What do I feel like when I am cared for? What does it feel like to be considered, thought about, appreciated, worthy even?
We may not always experience Jesus’s love in the ways we deeply desire, often because we’ve been conditioned to expect something different. But what if those fleeting moments of joy—like indulging in ice cream, receiving a thoughtful gift, a heartfelt compliment, or that unexpected message—are reminders of the boundless love we were destined to embrace? Am I truly allowing myself to bask in that goodness, or do I fall into the trap of overanalyzing each moment to “protect” my feelings? Building a barrier against life’s beautiful experiences only serves to rob us of true joy, a struggle many face in our quest for authentic happiness.
What if not allowing yourself to feel good was the most significant problem in your life right now?
Here’s what happens when we fail to let good things be done on our behalf: We reinforce self-centeredness and intellectual thinking that blinds us to a whole side of life we were always meant to experience.
Ice cream will never fix pain, loss, death, resentment, hate, but it can provide just a little release, just a little love, maybe just enough to get by another day to grow and learn from that day’s lesson. Who knows where life will take you, but hopefully there’s a bit of sweetness in it all. Being loved and nourished is how we were always meant to live.
The real question we must grapple with is this: do we allow God to “give us our daily bread?” Or do we falter in our trust, doubting that we are cherished enough to be provided for? While we may not always receive what we desire, rest assured that we will undoubtedly be given all that we truly need.
Next time you go out with friends, and you have that one who wants to provide for you, care for you, and nurture you, really let it sink in. Allow yourself to feel the love and care when someone gets to serve you. These reminders may help us grow in our faith and really experience the love of Christ we were always meant to have in a tangible form.
If people want to celebrate your birthday or surprise you with something they know you like, or just compliment your outfit. Sit in it, bathe in it, take it for all it’s worth- you are seen, considered, worthy of someone’s time.
We don’t just learn as we go through life, but we also gain experiences that teach us a deeper understanding of what life really is. This is wisdom; it goes beyond intellect and reaches out to our entire body: the parasympathetic nervous system, oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, endocannabinoids, breathing, heart rhythm, gut regulation, and hormonal balance.
We are destined for incredible possibilities beyond merely focusing on our own needs. When the chance to serve arises, embrace it wholeheartedly. If people wish to support us, welcome their kindness and allow yourself to feel truly deserving of their generosity.
I can only pray that in your life, you can experience the kind of love 400 campers and at least a hundred staff members felt when there was more to go around than our simple minds could imagine.
Life is more than just pursuit, accomplishment, and struggle- it’s about finding joy in all things, being merry, and putting faith in a sovereign God and what he provides for us daily.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance toward you and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:24-26
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Local Guy Figured Something Out, Wants Everyone to Know.
Not a single person I talk to in therapy thinks that social media is a good thing.
People do realize they are heavily influenced, but still want the choice.
Also, people believe they make good choices.
People want to be good and do not respond well when you give feedback on behaviors that indicate otherwise.
People realize the thoughts they are having are unhealthy, but still engage them.
People believe they are their thoughts, that their thoughts define them, that because they think something it must be true to them.
Most realize that money won’t make them happier, but are convinced it will relieve just one of their problems. Just this one, just this time.
WE often know the next, highest role at work will require more, but justify it because “this is the way.”
People don’t want to be effective; they want to be right, they want to win.
You aren’t going to convince people through your arguments.
Actions that lead to a person’s experience. Experience Experience draws us in; we gravitate towards what we experience as pleasureable.
You can have all the “right” arguments and still be “wrong” for the way you share them.
Most people don’t want you to solve their problems; they want you to hear them, to feel heard, validated, and commiserated with. Humans way of indicating we are not alone in this life.
If it’s past 8:30 PM (unless you are doing couples therapy with me), you shouldn’t talk about serious things in a relationship, especially if I see you at the gym at 5:00 AM.
It’s not about the money, it’s about what money represents to you. To some, it’s security. To others, it’s freedom. To others still, it shows they are winning- living the good life because of THEIR good decisions.
Nobody needs a 100k vehicle, but 100k vehicles are becoming more regular. We all say we want peace and ease, but then participate in the absurdity of a race towards…..what eactly?
We all want a purpose- to have meaning. Watch little kids; drama is created in the narrative. Watch teenagers; they have an absolute worldview where they demand change. Notice adults who are always in arguments, scrolling on social media, or getting into debt to purchase the latest thing they thought would fix their situation. We create problems to solve them, which gives us more purpose than we realize. If things are too easy, we will create problems. Humans alone will always create destruction.
AI will not take over humanity. We will destroy it and leech out any use of it before it has a chance to actually grow. Take any innovation in human history, and if we could pervert it, we did. Thus, AI doesn’t stand a chance. Humans are deeply flawed and have this way of turning any new thing into something that benefits them no matter the cost to others. We do this effortlessly.
It takes no effort to convince someone to perform a selfish act. Ahh, but a selfless one is praised highly, seen as miraculous.
We don’t really care about a lot of things, but we believe we should care about them.
We are too influenced these days to have organic responses, and thus, I believe, becoming more disconnected from ourselves. How are we supposed to find community if we don’t even know who we are?
People don’t want the couch they saw on TikTok; they want the environment and the life associated with it.
We all believe one of two lies: either we have it figured out the best, or others have it figured out more than us.
Most people, and I do mean most, won’t actually make the change they need to for things to get better. If you understand this then the person in your life you are struggling with is going to require you to accepting them where they are at.
“People go to therapy for those who don’t”
Success has a lot more dependence on chance than people care to admit.
Nobody is self-made, and it’s a delusion of the highest sort to think so.
It’s tough to believe in God. Even if we believe he is sovereign and knows best, even if we believe he cares for us and has our ultimate best interest at heart, we still want to take control of the wheel of a vehicle we have never driven before. We are not rational creatures, but emotional and very ignorant.
Do you think humans throughout history made marvels? Imagine what could have been had we never fallen out of God’s perfect way. We may have actually been smart enough to invest in one another. Smart enough to not need technology and competition for resources- realizing that the God who made us knows us more than we, the finite creatures, ever could.
The good life you think you want isn’t real, but an association of things you’ve put together to believe it is. If you are chasing something material, it’s a lie as to what it will do for you.
The greatest ending to any movie is not that the main character lives, it’s that being alive is put into the finite perspective it is.
Stop romanticisizing things.
Invest in what lasts for eternity.
Some people who truly lived life may go unnoticed, while others seem to have lived fully but did little. If you believe, “seek ye first the Kingdom,” and everything else will follow.
Finding your partner is not going to make you happy. It may actually make your life worse. Enjoy being single. Enjoy not owing that time to someone’s possibly overbearing demands.
Do not get married until you actually know what matters to you and understand how to protect it.
When you start to raise your voice, you sound silly. Stop doing that. If you want to yell because you feel overwhelmed, then go for it, but don’t convince yourself it’s effective- people get too stressed to hear that.
Processed food is often seen as unhealthy, but not eating is also harmful. Hunger and food shortages have caused more deaths than wars. Now, we can maximize calories, which is a blessing. Be grateful, and if something is affecting you negatively, let it go.
Most people suck at being honest with themselves. They don’t know how. They’ve lived a lie so long that they have created a false world with false methods. Liars don’t know what to do otherwise.
If you can’t admit that you’ve done something wrong and why it was wrong, then it’s going to be impossible to keep friends. Spend time learning your shortcomings- lest they take you over.
Nobody is any better or any worse on their own than anyone else. We are all products of more than we are aware of. We did not choose our genetics or what is expressed and when in human history we would have been born. We would have been SS soldiers if given the chance, Cannibals if given another. Murdering “witches” if born at that time. Most of us would have probably owned slaves. Don’t convince yourself you are better than you are.
“Evil” is not the equal alternative to life. Evil was never intended to be a part of the plan for humanity. Evil, then, is more of a cancer to an otherwise healthy person. Evil is not equal to God; the odds are always in God’s favor.
People don’t want to think, they want….who knows….the freedom to do what they want, no matter how stupid it is.
You don’t really know why you do what you do, or what you want, both of which require a deeper understanding of yourself that can only come from a perspective outside of the limits of you. Pray for wisdom.
If you think you know all of something, you are more wrong than the guy who thinks he’s too dumb to get it- at least he’s open to new information.
It’s OK to struggle. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be guilty. It’s OK to be anxious- Instead of trying to sit with all it means to be a human, people want to “fix” what they feel. (Me included, I take medications, I don’t want to feel all of the anxiety in my life).
We can all make the change we need to; we just don’t want to deal with the discomfort of doing so. Just be honest in owning that.
Most people don’t know why they are talking, and show how much life is lived in the subconscious.
We are all terminal- if you discover something that possibly threatens your time, it is no different a condition than you already had (plus or minus a few decades max).
The fortunate people will live long enough to see everyone around them die- life isn’t about staying alive but about living for what matters the most. Many people have lived fuller lives by 20 than an elderly woman who held on to their wealth at 100.
This world is not commanded by God’s will; man decided he didn’t want it that way a long time ago (See Genesis 3). So, quit blaming God for why “bad” things happen.
To oppose God in your music or life makes less sense than ignoring Him altogether. If God is truly greater, you cannot treat Him as less. Therefore, by opposing God, you are challenging something far more powerful and knowledgeable than yourself. The very fact that you resist this power shows it is real and significant enough to oppose.
The bright, eternal flames of Heaven would be the cruelest punishment for a person who didn’t want to be there.
For some people, an early death is mercy- it’s selfish to think otherwise.
If God were cruel, then we wouldn’t know what Cruel was.
We are “made in his image.” Duh, Why He Make us in a lesser image? Therefore, whatever traits we were given would only be in reference to the creator, and we wouldn’t know cruelty as an anomaly, but to be cruel would be to love, and to love as we know it now would be cruel.
Everything changes. Our memories are poor. What REALLY happened is never what ACTUALLY happened.
We all listen to our own thoughts too much. Not all of them need to be considered.
Fear is a good thing; it tells you what matters in life, for we fear losing what matters the most.
If you are addicted to Porn, it’s not a porn issue. Your sights are set too low. You only succumb to the level of temptation you believe to be in service of the most good. Sex is not the most good. Intimacy is not the most good. Thus, admitting to these dominating your life is admitting that the most valuable thing is obviously a low-level desire, and you are going to be stuck in that pit until you realize it’s not the substance that’s the problem, it’s the belief that what the substance provides is better than what God says he offers through faith in Him.
The Bible is the best psychology book ever written. If you share something that isn’t Biblical or aligned with hermeneutic principles of scripture, it’s not going to work….not really.
If you think you are different than your parents, you are blinded. They have influence on you just as influence in them they were not aware of. Stay open to feedback. Reflect.
Tattoos are cool, but so is giving generously to the needy. A good person can do both. With a righteous, well-ordered heart, aligned with God, your decisions will be fruitful.
People evaluate too much; try observing for a while.
You don’t always have to do…being is enough….we do too much.
Discipline in one area will cross into disciplines in other parts of life.
Never underestimate the power of a good, deep breath and a slow exhale. 1….2….3….4…. better.
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Epiphany at 11:53 PM
It was probably my third extra spoonful of the creamy natural peanut butter at 11:53 PM that pushed me over the edge.
I didn’t feel good at that point.
Photo by Karola G on Pexels.com It may have been the packed caloric intake within a few brief moments of shoveling in spoonfuls of the creamy/grainy goodness combined with the last bit of Diet Pepsi that zoomed me past my comfort zone. It may have been the fan blowing on my feet thereafter causing me to be an uncomfortable temperature.
Whatever it was, the conditions were ripe for, you guessed it, a late-night critical thinking session.
This particular one wasn’t anything special, simply a theological debate in my head about sin, what it means to live, and what in my life needs to change that is holding me back from more.
I don’t necessarily want “more” of any one thing, specifically. I want more space in my stomach for more peanut butter probably. I wanted smaller spoons that I count up when eating the heavenly legume mixture, sure.
I know that it was here, chilly, uncomfortable, in bed where it hit me.
“It’s not about me.”
So, like any rational and uncomfortable person would do, I went to my office to write a blog post about it.
This idea was more than just, “not about me” in the sense of doing good for others. But literally, at the deepest and purest place, my desire to do good isn’t about the version of myself that thinks it needs to not be about me. But from the view of God himself, the me he sees and knows, knows that for life to be full, for things to workout at the highest level, I need to give up the focus of my life being on my life and to seek Him.
“Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”- John 12:25
So, there it is. A verse I have heard a thousand times, now hitting my vulnerable and sleepy self like a ton of bricks. Like a release from my own body, like the Hulk being released from Bruce Banner’s body in the Avengers: End Game.
For a brief second, I saw myself outside of myself and sat with the words of life. I saw my body lying there, thinking about myself, what I was going to do the next day, what sins I have committed the day before, what I need to do better on. I saw me thinking about me and felt pity for the guy I saw because of how off the mark he was here.
Why would I get sad about losing my life if in fact, it has always been true that to find one’s best and only life is to give it up?
I briefly thought of the commercials and movies I watched growing up. You know, during the good ol’ 90’s, which depicted a life best lived in scenes. One scene in particular was in the movie Father of the Bride.
In the scene I recall from time to time (for no reason at all) has Steve Martin talking to his about-to-bed-wed daughter outside and I think it starts to snow. I think as a father that would be a really pivotal moment, one that I recall frozen in time. However, then I realized the movie was put out in….1991!
1991! Are you serious?
That means that in that scene, even if it was a real person, which is safe to assume some father at that time was going through it, and that here in 2025, that movie is 34 years old. That means, the already aged father of a 20-something getting married is now probably seeing his grandkids getting married and having children. (Also it means that Steve Martin does not age, he’s been an old man since he was born.)
The scenes of my own life will soon be in the past and life will continue on, thus removing any significant moment I hold now to eventually be nothing because of my own passing and then my child’s passing, and her kids passing etc.
We all age, move forward. Governments grow and fall. Things come and go. There is a season for this and a season for that. Nothing in this world lasts very long anymore, not to mention, lasts forever. Not even the most significant legacies. Warren Buffet’s empire will be gone in a blink of an eye meanwhile there is some sea turtle out there who saw it all come and go.
So then, what stops me from falling into the abyss of nothingness? It’s that none of this, none of the world, none of the plans and outcomes of God’s plan found in man is about my life as MY life. But for HIS plan and intended outcome, the only true and real thing that will last.
Yes, our lives have deep and eternal meaning. Yes, it serves us well to live “good” lives and to honor others as ourselves and serve and be of good cheer and be grateful for the moment. Yes a man who is blessed can go ahead and enjoy his blessings. However, life isn’t about these moments as the main plot point. One doesn’t live “good” for it’s own sake or for the pleasure of the man alone, but one lives “good” because he knows what is true and that what is true is from the authority on truth alone.
Christ says He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). If this is to be true, then those who abide, turn to, trust in, apply his teachings, will have a “good” life as a result.
I am not asking you to do anything here. Just sharing the thought that when you meditate on life from time to time, realizing that all of what there is now fading, shouldn’t cause massive panic or regret, even sadness, but can bring joy. Joy can be found in the reality that all things pass. All things except the Word, the Word that was brought to life. The Word manifested in Christ who came and walked this planet.
Jesus. A real man. A real God. A relational God who is choosing to share with His people the truth that to find your life is outside of the you who finds it. But is only found when you come to the conclusion that your life isn’t about you, but Him.
From here, truth can spread into decisions and perspectives that can alter decisions. You might find that you can let things go. You might find that what scripture says to do-to think of others as yourself as one thing, will become a natural process as you now think less of your own satisfaction as the ultimate outcome and see your life now found in Christ who brought redemption from the dark thoughts of this world alone- the thoughts that are riddled with fear, greed, lust, gluttony (which with peanut butter and my overindulgence demonstrated why we should NOT do that).
When people talk about Christianity and what a Christian should and should not be doing, it’s not about us choosing from the place of us, the us that believed in the world as the point, but when we change our viewpoint, the things a Christian, or believer in Christ SHOULD do become more natural.
We are natural creatures meaning we live our nature just like a dog lives theirs. What that nature is starts with how one views their life, which Christ reminds us is only truly found when someone gives up their life as their own and as a result, lives as Christ tells us in the Gospels.
Now the passing of the peanut butter provides relief for the the me that chose to eat too much. The chilly air is no longer dominating my sensations (because I am in my office for one thing). But the negative sensations of my life are passed and I can feel a temporary relief. All the while knowing that there will be more discomfort right around the corner.
It doesn’t really matter though, because if my life isn’t found as my life, then I can only find true relief in the Scriptures that indicate what vantage point one must truly see to live the best life.
And it isn’t at the bottom of a 16 oz Smuckers Natural Peanut butter jar.
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Most Fascinating Thing This Week (trust me, it’s helpful too)
There’s a ton of really Un-fascinating stuff happening in the world right now. (Yes, with a capital “U”.) So I thought, let’s talk about one thing that’s actually fascinating (and maybe useful). Here are two that I chose from to discuss today.
1. The idea of “ego” has become the go-to villain in the self-help genera of life. But spoiler alert: it’s not the bad guy.
2. About 12% of all children in the world (yes, all children) have been sexually exploited in some way. Brutal fact.Since the second is horrifying, soul-crushing, and entirely worthy of major spotlight, let’s put our focus on the first for now.
So, about ego — no, it’s not the devil hiding behind your sofa.
What we’ll call little e (yes, I’m being cute): this little guy sits at the center of the circle of “you.”
Picture the inner you — the one that knows you’re skimming the surface, the one that whispers “I’m faking it” or “I don’t quite measure up”. That’s little e. That’s your self-barometer, your anchor, your sense-of-self storehouse.
When your little e is solid and established, life runs smoother. You hear a story, you filter it through yourself, you respond (or not) from that place. But when little e is shaky, missing, or more “void” than “voice”? Enter chaos as the ultimate distraction.
What it looks like when little e is missing:
Imagine standing at the edge of a volcano. Or overlooking a cliff. Terrifying.
Now imagine that emptiness — the “center” of your existence — is like that: a gaping, empty void. Scary enough, people would rather live outside themselves than face that emptiness. If you don’t have a strong internal “you” (little e, your ego in the healthy sense), you’ll end up living in relation to the outside world instead of from the inside.
And what happens? Drama. Pure, nonsensical chaos. Because your little e can’t ground you, so you bounce around in the drama. And the “drama” here has no purpose other than to exist for it’s own sake.
That’s where the classic drama show starts: Karpman Drama Triangle
Yep — the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor triangle.
photo credit:
commons.wikimedia Karpman Triangle.png – Wikimedia Commons
Here’s the quick version:
- Victim says: “Poor me, woe is my life.”
- Rescuer says: “Let me fix you, you poor thing.”
- Persecutor says: “It’s your fault. I told you so.”
The sick twist: people flip between these roles. Victim becomes Persecutor. Rescuer becomes Victim. It’s all a game of unconscious pay-offs. Meanwhile, nothing meaningful changes.
(And here’s an advanced idea for those who get stuck in problem-solving: someone who places you in their drama will report a rational problem, “you didn’t do this.” A problem solver will try to solve or explain, but to no avail. Why? Well, because that would satisfy the drama and force someone back to their empty, unsettled self aka little e.)
Why we keep doing this
Because when your little e is weak or missing, you can’t face the inside. So you stay in the outside world: the social drama, the stories, the “who’s out to get me,” the hero-rescuer missions. Because those are easier than the void.
And yes: if you’re always saving someone, or always being saved, or always blaming/being blamed — guess what? You’re probably knee-deep in the drama triangle, either as participant or audience.
So what to do? (Besides rolling your eyes at people in drama)
- Notice your pattern. Are you always the Victim? The Rescuer? The Persecutor?
- Begin to build/strengthen little e: your internal sense of self. Hobbies, interests, commitments that are yours. Not just roles you play for others.
- When someone else is in the drama loop: don’t become the hero-rescuer by default. Ask: What do you want? What can you do?
- If you’re exhausted, unhappy, distant — and drama keeps showing up like an unwanted guest: maybe do the work. With someone (see: “good therapist”).
From where I stand, that was a fascinating thing for the week.
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A bit Screwy: What Screwtape Letters reveals about ourselves and what we want to deny most of all.
I’ve been on a bit of a C.S. Lewis kick lately, and I’d say “bear with me,” but there’s no need to merely bear with Lewis.
Yes, I am indebted to his works—as they opened the door to forming a theology that is anything but stale or useless. I’m not a “Christian” alone, nor would I consider an introduction to me as “religious.” Those terms don’t capture the depth of a relationship with the Creator. Instead, I like to say that I’m a believer—but even that feels like saying I saw the sun today. I believe in many things, including the energy that flows through the world and that animals and plants have more purpose than we typically assign them. But I wouldn’t say I “believe” in trees or nature—it’s so obvious they exist that the term feels almost beneath the truth.
No, I consider myself a child of God, reborn from a previous fallen state by the grace of God and the Spirit’s work in my life—allowing me to see truth apart from the everyday mentality of the world.
This brings me to a fun little read by Mr. Lewis: The Screwtape Letters. I’m writing about this work because it reveals how easy it can be to lose your soul—and how the smallest, everyday choices quietly contribute to that loss.
Sure, no one wants to lose their very essence—the thing that makes them them—but as fallen creatures of God, I think we ought to know just how insidious and crafty Satan’s minions are in their attempt to feast on souls.
Now, a scholar could give you far more than I can, but I’ll do my best.
My dearest audience,
You know that little comment in the back of your mind—the one that lingers when you talk to that loved one? It judges what they do while preserving your behavior in context. That little comment of resentment may not be so little after all. It may be the seed of hatred, growing over years into full-grown disdain for all humans—including the One who made such detestable creatures.
But surely you are not one of them. You’re just telling people the truth. Setting boundaries. Clearing your chest. Yes, the demons love it when you hold on to what makes you better than everyone else. When it’s always someone else’s fault, or someone else’s lack of judgment wounding you. Especially when you justify your snarky response as being “within context,” while the other person is judged at face value.
Yes, they are hurting you, aren’t they? Making your life miserable. They need to be rebuked. After all, we are in total charge of our environments, aren’t we? Some of us already act like gods.
Of course, no one says this stuff out loud. That would be ridiculous. We’re not bad people—we’re just misunderstood. We don’t need to change, just correct everyone to be more like us. On our noblest days, we may admit to certain faults—but never the ones we hold others accountable for.
The other day, I saw a man walking, wearing a T-shirt that read: “Today’s good time is brought to you by WEED.” Well, certainly he was wrong. I stared at him from afar because of it. I even constructed a narrative in my head, depicting him as someone more worthy of disdain.
I might as well have joined the demons at a local bar and dined with them on my own flesh, for what I chose to do with my mind—investing in thoughts that lead to bitterness and judgment. I could’ve driven my vehicle off a bridge and been better for it than to sit afar, condoning myself while casting a can-you-believe-this look at anyone who’d make eye contact.
I’ve read the attempts of demons to capture souls, and I must agree with Mr. Lewis—Satan doesn’t want us to think too hard about the state of our soul, or to speak the thoughts in our head out loud. He wants them locked up, hidden, so we can keep convincing ourselves that we’re good people. Maybe even good enough. But never the bad ones. Surely not.
Nobody wants to be a bad person, do they?
Stay on guard. Stay bitter. Get yours at all costs.
There’s your one-way ticket to losing your soul—giving it up to the world, living for dying things, and being only as good as your last success.
Yes, people will leave you. And you’ll justify it, saying they didn’t “get” you.
Stay in hiding. Satan loves hiding. He also loves shame. And ego. And just about any activity that keeps you from facing this simple reality: God loves you and wants you back.
The Law—the commandments—can be summarized with two phrases: Love the Lord your God, and then love your neighbor as yourself. These two things lead to a fruitful life.
So, shall we heed these words during our brief time here? Shall we trust they are the remedy for the chronic ailment called sin and all its effects?
Or, like the flesh described in Screwtape Makes a Toast, will we become rather dull and flavorless meat—too passive one way or the other to be of value to the God who made us… or even to the demons who’d feast on us?
Yours in sincerity,
Uncle Meier
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Camping Theology and the Great Disconnect.
A hearty breakfast before worship (God bless it). What is it about trees, open land, a pile of pancakes, a dining hall with a modern, cabin-esc vibe, basketball courts and highly weathered balls, not to forget, the ever-humbling Pickleball court that turns even the proud into the breathless… that makes it all feel so magical?
No, this isn’t just any campsite. This is church camp.
And yes—I’m 39 years old. I know. Church camp isn’t just for teens with underdeveloped frontal lobes. It’s for grown adults with student loans, aging knees, and deep questions about meaning, suffering, and why camp mattresses are still apparently made from recycled plastic cups.
No. My foot was not over the line. (Photo Credit: Bre Gray- bregrayphotography.pixieset.com) At first glance, it’s a recipe you wouldn’t expect to nourish the soul: communal sleeping with nine other guys, unreasonably early mornings, and food so rich and hearty it feels like we’re dining with medieval royalty (minus the beheadings, plus a lot more cheese). And yet, somewhere between the 16-hour days, the constant change of sweaty clothes, and the silverware I didn’t have to wash, I remembered something.
Every day had rhythm at camp: morning and evening worship services, time carved out for silence and scripture, group discussions about faith—where it’s lived, where it’s lost, and where we’re still fumbling in the dark. But it’s not just the programming. It’s what happens when we step outside the script of “real life” and into something slow, and never ending.
At 39…my back starts to feel it. Be honest: our daily lives are designed to distract us from ourselves. We march through schedules, crush goals, pay off student loans (until the end of time), scroll endlessly, and quietly wonder, “Is this it?”
But camp—the right kind of camp—brings you face to face with your own soul. You can’t outrun it out there. There’s nowhere to hide when you’re sitting around a well-crafted cabin table, under a star-pierced sky, holding a thermos of Minnesota’s finest tap, and realizing how long it’s been since you actually felt still.
One of the biggest things I see as a therapist?
People are disconnected from themselves.
Not the version they present to the world. Not the curated personality or the productive employee or the “good” parent. I mean the real them. The one that’s still under there somewhere, buried beneath bills and burdens and the belief that if we just push hard enough, we’ll eventually feel okay.
But here’s the catch:
We don’t know why we do what we do.
We think we know. We tell ourselves stories.
But often, those stories aren’t true.
That’s why reflection—real, sometimes uncomfortable reflection—is so important. Because if we don’t pause and reassess, we wake up one day bitter, cynical, and convinced that the best parts of life are behind us.
Being with middle school through high school students this past week reminded me what it was like to be joyous and live in the moment. They had within them a camaraderie that we often don’t find in the routines of everyday life. These students had each other and they had, well, connection.
Connection, especially the kind that touches the deepest part of our being, is what we were made for. Not just connection with people (though that’s crucial). But connection with God—the Creator who sees through all our layers and still longs to be close.
And when we don’t connect with Him?
We find substitute relationships:
– With our careers
– With approval
– With achievement
– With control
But those things will fail us, sooner or later.
They make terrible gods and even worse friends.
Yet life isn’t shallow. Not at all. It’s deep and eternally significant. Every moment. Every choice. Every quiet ache.
The tragedy is not that life lacks meaning, but that we rarely stop long enough to see how meaningful it actually is.
And no, you don’t have to be at a camp with creaky bunks and bug spray in your hair to realign. You can pause for five minutes between Zoom calls, or in the carpool line, or right before you open another Microsoft Word doc, and simply ask:
“What’s really going on in me right now?”
“What do I want to be about today?”
“God, are You near—and am I listening?”
If you do that daily—even just for a week—you might be surprised. You might start to see your life with fresh eyes. You might remember that you are more than your resume, your obligations, or your debt-to-income ratio.
Because here’s the truth:
You can’t have a great marriage without effort.
You can’t be a great athlete without training.
And you can’t cultivate a soul without intentional time with the One who gave it to you.
From where I stand, the greatest lack in most people’s lives is not time, not opportunity, not intelligence, or even love.
It’s spiritual disconnection.
From God. From truth. From themselves.
But the good news?
You can reconnect.
Right now.
No reservation needed.
And maybe—just maybe—that’s where the real magic begins.
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To be honest…
Honestly? I sat down to write this with zero agenda. Nothing. My genius said, “Just start writing and see what happens.” Always a solid strategy.
So here I am—two lines deep—and already staring at the blinking cursor like it’s judging me.
Idea one: What happens when the worst thing in life happens?
Nope. Too heavy. Not today.
Okay okay, here’s one: What happens…
Gross. That’s so vague it could be a free online article…oh.
Wait—I’ve got it:
I have absolutely no idea. That’s the idea.
Yep. No one knows the answer. Not me, not you, not that podcast host with the perfect bookshelf background (which I have-less perfect however). Not your favorite fitness influencer, your mom Facebook group, your stylist, or that one guy at the gym who somehow always has advice for everything except leg day (and diet).
Forgive my little neurodivergent detour here, but when we’re trying to solve problems we usually end up drowning in opinions, frameworks, TED Talks, and cold plunges. Everyone has a hack, and yet… nothing changes.
So how the heck are we supposed to move forward and live a meaningful life if we don’t even know what “solved” looks like?
Here’s a thought: maybe we need to zoom out. Like… way out. Maybe we stop looking just at our brains, or our culture, or even our bodies—and take a peek at that deep, mysterious, spiritual part of ourselves.
Yep. One of those posts.
Don’t roll your eyes just yet.
Because every day, you’re solving problems—some big, some small, some that just involve whether or not you can justify buying another pair of kicks/drip. Behind all those decisions is something deeper—something that drives you, that gives your life meaning.
Dallas Willard—brilliant theologian and philosopher—once said (and I’m paraphrasing here): “What your soul is connected to determines how well your soul is.”
Translation: If your soul is tied to your job, your team winning the playoffs, your group chat, or your Sunday routine, then your soul is gonna ride the rollercoaster of those highs and lows. But if it’s rooted in something deeper—like, say, the Creator of the whole show—then there’s a steadiness, a sense of “home,” even when things get shaky.
Yes, even you overzealous people forgetting to turn off the news every once in a while.
So yeah. No clear answers. No five-step plan. Just a thought worth sitting with.
And honestly? I think it’s worth it.
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Size 15: A Journey
Again…enjoy your sweet, sweet shoes you small-footed people. 😑 Let us embark on a peculiar journey—quest, if you will—into the bizarre world of men’s shoes. For this story to be authentic, tis I who is the holder of the size 15.
Yes, fifteen. A size that sounds less like footwear and more like those small “smart” cars in mid 2000s.
I invite you, dear reader, to wander—into the labyrinth of online sneaker retailers: Nike, Adidas, New Balance, or whatever new age brand that was forged in the fires of Mount Hype last week. Choose your favorite Jordan, perhaps an Air Max 90 with a color scheme with just the right color palate it screams “you can’t get these!” and here in the sea of exclusivity: size 15? Sold out. Gone. Vanished like your motivation after eating a pack of ultimate stuffed Oreos.
You might think, “Surely, this foot size would guarantee an overstock!” But no. It turns out that size 15 is a cruel paradox—rare enough to be inconvenient, yet common enough to be competitive. It’s like trying to find a left-handed coffee mug at a right-handed convention. They exist, but there are many people looking for the few that are around.
Now, you may wonder, “Why on Earth should I care about this man’s odyssey?” Because (enter Forrest Gump accent): life is like a pair of shoes, my friend.
Let me explain.
Scarcity breeds value. Exclusivity inflates desirability. That same Jordan in a size 6? Might be on clearance next Tuesday. But a size 15? Full price and sold out in a minute. Maybe even resold for double. People camp out, not for warmth or camaraderie, but to clutch that elusive grail of rubber and laces. And suddenly—bam!—it’s not just a shoe, it’s a statement. A status symbol. A “flex.”
This, friend, (we are friends now btw) … “Hello friend….Brother (Hulk Hogan voice) anyway…this “exclusivity” is what the sneaker world calls hype. And what we, in the world of hyper-fixation and compulsion might call… a trap.
Because sometimes, what we want most isn’t actually what we want—it’s just what everyone else seems to want. Context is everything. That prized possession in one mindset? Utter trash in another. Like a prom tux at a Midwest wedding (jeans or cargo shorts only please) or a fork at a hotdog-serving venu—out of place, unnecessary, even ridiculous.
So what if, just consider here, the thing you’re so obsessed with—the job, the relationship, the approval, the Yeezys—is only precious because of the mental lens you’re wearing right now? And what if, instead of focusing on doing less of the “bad” things, you simply added more of the good stuff—friends, purpose, vulnerability, laughter, a damn shrug the shoulders every once in awhile in the midst of stress 🤷🏻♀️🤷♀️?
Maybe then, the cycle breaks on its own. Not through deprivation. But through distraction… by something better.
Maybe your success isn’t about what “not to do,” but what to do.
So next time size 15 is sold out, maybe take it as a reminder to think of me, or better the message (yes, the message): you don’t need that shoe. You need a new lens. And maybe take some time off and let little interferences go by saying “wow, look at those trees…just a blowing in the wind. How powerful those branches are to hold up to that.” Though we concluded on trees, we started with feet, my feet, and how through obscurity…we can find something useful, if we look for it.
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Ye: Loss. Brilliance.Faith.Trauma. and Yes-mental health
Genius, crazy, rich, antisemitic, controversial, chaos, egocentric, attention-seeking-These are all words that swirl around the name Kanye West. They’re also words that, if we’re being honest, have swirled around many of our names too, just without the a Kardashian and seven-part documentaries made about us.
There’s something strangely egotistic in me to even have the urge I felt to even write this. Whether it’s a futile attempt to educate, or just an exercise in reflection, here I am, offering a few words on a person who seems to provoke something in nearly everyone. Ye makes it’s hard to look away.
It was earlier this week—Monday and on to Tuesday—when news surfaced again about Ye. Or Kanye. Or Yeezy. You can read the article if you want to know the details. Personally I am still digesting the interview where he’s wearing a black White Supremest hood in a hotel room talking for 58 minutes about why he’s wearing the black hood in the first place. But that’s not really the point of this.
What is the point?
Maybe it’s this: despite all the controversy, all the confusion, this man keeps creating. Music. Fashion. Art. Controversy.
And we keep buying it. After all, he didn’t get to be No.4 on the all time Hip Hop sales list by sucking at his craft. We keep listening. Some of us still remember the first time we heard Jesus Walks. For me, it was right after basic training in the summer of 2004. That song wasn’t just music—it was a a light in an otherwise dark era of music. Literally a light too, making one of his first singles be about Jesus, very light-bearing.
But being good at a craft and rich doesn’t erase trauma. Creativity doesn’t cancel out pain. Nor does fame justify erratic behavior. But what happens when you start connecting the dots?
What happens when we hear that childhood trauma shaped much of this man’s life—long before he had a platform to express it?
What does that do to a boy, growing up and figuring out what it means to be a man?
Kanye shared that he found magazines in his mom’s closet—magazines that shaped his understanding of sex, identity, and self-worth in ways that were far beyond his years. And long before the headlines, there was that little boy trying to make sense of what he saw, of all that he experienced.
We all have experiences that shaped us, for better or worse. And here’s the kicker, we didn’t get to chose those experiences or decide how they affect us.
So when we rush to label, to cancel, to condemn—what are we really doing? Are we holding someone accountable? Or are we just distancing ourselves from the parts of him that remind us of the parts we try to hide in ourselves?
After all, isn’t pornography the bane of a young man’s existence these days? Are the adults now, failing to admit to themselves their own shaping of sex, relationships, what it means to be a man?
Empathy is the bridge to forgiveness.
Not because forgiveness means agreement. But because empathy allows us to see someone as someone—not as a headline, not as a cautionary tale, but as a human being formed by the sum total of his experiences.If you zoom in on Kanye West, you can isolate any number of choices, some of which are difficult to defend. But if someone zoomed in on your worst moment—your ugliest thought—what would they find?
This isn’t a defense of bad behavior. It’s a reflection on how quick we are to misjudge when we don’t know the whole story.
In C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce there is a man Len, a spirit who was a murderer in life, but now reconciled with God and is in Heaven. Another man, the Big Ghost believes he is a “good man” despite evidence that he was not. the Big Ghost character would be that of a man today, maybe you who demand’s recognition for being good, for doing right. Meanwhile that man, the character Big Ghost fails to repent and rejects heaven in the process. Yes, the murder remained in Heaven.
Christ flipped the typical human narrative of what appears to be good may not be, and what appears to be distant or far from God may be the closest. Like Mr. West who has many faults, we too can choose to be the Big Ghost and cling to our own “goodness” and fail to relate to someone who is easy to categorize as a “bad” one.
No person is defined by a single act—good or bad. If we believe otherwise, then we’re condemning ourselves every time we fail. We’re erasing nuance, context, and the messy truth that people are often doing the best they can with what they’ve got.
To live with grace is to recognize that. It’s to understand that every decision is filtered through a complex web of history, beliefs, trauma, and identity. It’s not about excusing—but about seeing.
And maybe that’s what Kanye, in all his chaotic truth, mirrors back to us. Maybe that’s why his story unnerves us. Because in his rawness, we’re forced to look at our own contradictions. Our own judgments. Our own worst parts. And if we’re honest, maybe they’re not as far from his as we’d like to believe.
So the next time you’re tempted to judge—pause. Ask yourself this-is this about what they did, or what it stirred in me? Is this really about them—or is it about my own discomfort?
Because the truth is, we all carry things that others wouldn’t understand. And we all hope—deep down—for grace when we least deserve it.
From Where I Stand 