From Where I Stand

Tag: mental health

  • Be Better

    Be Better

    I should be reading my book, but I’m not.

    I shouldn’t have eaten so much peanut butter earlier, but I did.

    I should get more rest, but I don’t.

    I should….

    I’m not doing what I aught to be doing. Not what I want to be doing, I do plenty of that. In fact, some days, that’s all I do. But continuing to do what I want instead of the good things I don’t leads to misery, yet I end up choosing this repeatedly.

    But why? What mechanism in my brain doesn’t allow me to naturally do what I should be doing? Or in positive terms, why don’t I do more good things?

    I want good (or seemingly good) things, but instead I do everything I can to not do those things. I do the things which end up reinforcing the person I don’t want to be. So, why not just do the opposite of what I WANT and finally be the version of me I expect myself to be.

    But my will, my being, it is weak and my dreams lie at the crossroads of hard work and I don’t want to blvd.

    I believe that what is familiar is what the mind will always revert to without mindful intervention. But the question is, just how early in the process does one need to step in consciously to be able to stop the resulting familiar/“bad” behavior?

    Do I need to monitor my bagel in the morning because it could lead to crumbs, which triggers thoughts around mess and therefore stimulate stress which wears me down and causes my resolve to be better to deteriorate and I end up doing what I don’t want to do?

    Or is it earlier than the bagel, it’s at the grocery store when I bought the bagels? Or why do I buy bagels and not something else?

    What about my general thoughts on food anyway? Why don’t I eat more veggies instead of a bagel? Is the bagel an unsavory, familiar behavior from previous failures to do what I should be doing?

    And further back and further back…one quickly realizes that what we think we can control, or will, we can’t.

    So, how do I get to be the person I want to be if I continue to neglect what I should be doing? At this point, beating myself up for not doing something isn’t helping, so there has to be another way, right?

    In his book, Renovation of the Heart, the Philosopher and theologian Dallas Willard wrote about this concept of heart within Scripture.

    Jesus came to humans as God incarnate to first teach. He crossed into the human realm, where we live, in our space and time to present the best information humanity has ever heard. Here’s why our wills are not good enough to do what we need to do:

    Our brains are built to work a certain way that science still cannot fully figure out. However, throughout the Bible and throughout all of human history, man is shown to be fallible, leading to selfishness, corruptness, wars, greed, (spelling and grammatical errors as well) and constant toiling for more than what we need or have. Our hearts, or the main driving force behind why we really do what we do is faulty from the start based on the information and genetics from those who came before us, and those before them. Sin, yes sin altered humanity further from the creator and indulging in the self.

    How did Sin or rather placing our wills in place of God’s affect us so negatively, well, man is finite, God is infinate. You tell me who should be in charge. One who created, loves, and knows us better than we ever will and know the best, ultimate plan for the soul, or us, who at our best is saturated to the core in beliefs and actions that are very short-sighted.

    Descartes was right, “I think therefore I am.” Not just in the sense that because we can think we know we exist, but because how we think about ourself, or what we believe about ourself will then determine every decision thereafter putting us in tough spots or the wrong places regarding where we actually should be.

    If you think you are a loser, then you will make loser decisions. If you think you are the best at everything, nobody will like being around you.

    If man lives alternatively from God’s perfect design resulting in selfishness and self-centered and therefore self-righteousness, then shouldn’t we stop trying to do or be something and instead center ourselves as a creation and then an adopted child in the house of God?

    You see, psychology does a great job of explaining many great thinking concepts, and research reaffirms some things. But psychology without including our relationship to God falls incredibly short and then places too much weight on the person to actively try and change to become this “better person.”

    We believe many things to be good and right, but what if the foundation of our beliefs is faulty? Just what if what you think to be good because it feels good or feels acceptable is really just the same faulty thing over and over again?

    In summary, because this is a blog post and not a thesis, you can’t will your way to being a better person, you can only attempt to do more outward things, which has value, but it doesn’t change the insides, it doesn’t touch the heart of the matter.

    Faith, in the fact that humans, animals, the planet, galaxy, every molecule, atom, and quark are all based on God’s word holding it all together, then places Faith in the words of Christ from whom we can actually learn how to be these “better” people. Not from our will or effort, by the opposite actually, buy willingly giving up our wills to God’s will and practicing the act of submission that the almighty God, the most intelligent, creative, loving, compassionate, understanding being who holds all of life and material together, knows what He is doing.

    Look, if life is this continued cycle of trying and failing, and trying again, then why not just meditate on the possibility that nothing will get better, really, internally, without a willingness to place the compassionate creator as the driving of your heart and what you want.

    “Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” – Matthew 6:10

    God has given us a choice to either keep our heart closed and keep trying to drive our own program or to open that heart from the inside to let Him in to drive it towards where we aught to be.

    “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”- Matthew 16:25

    From where I stand, even if it’s a minor possibility that what I said here, what Scripture says, and theologians much smarter than me have said is true, then it’s worth the effort to think about.

    This could actually be the change you’re looking for to finally, “be better.”

  • Personality Hires

    Personality Hires

    To some extent, people are who they are and to expect them to be someone else, or naturally change into this other “ideal” person isn’t just a waste of hope, but it may lead to crushing feelings of failure for the one whom you want to change.

    There we have it, accept people for who they are and stop trying to change them, right?

    You tell me. When was the last time you had a friend, relative, spouse, roomate, church member, klansman even that you gave feedback to and they took it and ran with it?

    You may expect the feedback to be taken like this:

    “Oh thank you…I never knew I was a jerk. In my forty years of life, I assumed it was everyone else’s problem. Now I know better and will be more approachable.”

    Sure, some of the good ones will notice of small asks such as “take out the garbage,” or “Get those reports done on time.” But more advanced techniques such as “being more empathetic” or “I want my spouse to WANT to do these things” may require a bit more understanding of the person you are talking to. And I know we all love the idea that all people are capable of the same possabilites, but we aren’t all meant to do all things.

    One of the worst things that can happen when meeting with people for a problem they are having is trying to convince them to change who they are.

    For example, I was recently on a daddy-daughter trip through the Mall of America, one of the biggest malls in the world. Stacked sky high full of shopping, amusement park rides, foods, toys, all the items a child dreams of. However, I noticed a few things.

    1. My daughter doesn’t like to be told what to do or even offered options more than the ones she has already considered- she told me this.
    2. I shouldn’t expect anything. From moment to moment, she likes one thing, but then likes another.- She even asked to eat sushi which I never thought would happen.
    3. When she asks for something and I tell her “no” (rare, but it does happen), she doesn’t respond to it. But more than that, she keeps asking. Not in an annoying way or just to manipulate, but because she gets fixated on it, like can’t stop thinking about it. Much like the stuffy we saw on day one was talked about for the next two days! “When are we going to get that stuffy?” The thought would hit her in the middle of swimming, or while at dinner. Just a loop, playing around and around.
    4. If you are not concrete with her, she will find the loophole. Even if you lay out the plan, she is a wordsmith with her ability to redefine the terms of what was said.- “you said “no” earlier, but does that still apply now? And were you meaning no forever or just today?”
    5. She loves talking to adults that respond back to her with useful information. She finds the typical questions of “hows school” odd and doesn’t care to think of an answer. “Good” she says to keep people off her back. But if interested you get her to tell you anything.
    6. She is….well, much like her mom and dad in so many ways that I am hit with reality over and over again how much I need to listen and not get ahead of myself or assume the worst.

    You see, we all have brains that are wired from genetics, through birth and raised in environments that later attend to certain things and not others. We all pick up different details and hold things in our minds in different ways. We were all made uniquely by God for a reason and therefore “limits” as people like to argue, against, aren’t condemning, but freeing to find what we have no business in and then can let go of.

    One theory on human development is that humans learn by association or better, relationships to something else. To understand a concept, or thing, you have to have something earlier experienced to help conceive the idea.

    For example, numbers. Numbers are nothing to a baby. But as the child learns the material world and its significance, she may realize that two of something is more than one. Eventually numbers represent meaning but then the meaning is later exchangeable. Thus, two chores are not greater than one chore…unless you like chores of course.

    My daughter, much like your employee, or aunt, uncle, mother, garbage man, pilot, coroner, they hold things, see things, interpret things in their own way. I am not a better parent to anyones kid because I am formed into being my child’s parent. But it has taken me a long time to better understand her as her own person to live this role as an earthly father for her to influence who she is going to be.

    How many times do we stop seeing people for who they really are, only to see them for how we hold them in our heads, no matter how faulty that is. We stop listening to our friends and family because we “know what they are going to say.” Or we stop looking at our wives, employees, coworkers because we fail to see them as people.

    Side note: Do you ever watch those movies with evil henchmen who just die in masses by the hero? I mean, those people were humans, with moms and dads, lives, hobbies, all of their details were just as important to them as yours are to you. And here we are, watching John Wick go through and lay them down by the dozens. Just saying, I wonder how those families are doing after our “hero” obliterates their loved ones.

    Think of the employee who doesn’t do quality work because they realize they can skip the hard parts and probably won’t get caught. For this person, experience has taught them that there is little value in the work itself and the end product is what is most important. If you place this employee on a performance improvement plan, it can temporarily reinforce the fact they are being watched, but that’s about it. We hope it will instill the work as a priority, but wouldn’t we also hope they knew that already, that as adults they have worked before and that whoever is paying you, we can safely assume, wants quality work?

    Old habits, or core personality traits, and core beliefs about what it means to work and value one has in work, not to mention inner feelings towards community or principle, integrity, deeper elements of quality work, their spiritual relationships, all determine what a person will do in work, long-term.

    Not to sound too much like a tyrant on a Disney movie who says this person can’t do this, or can’t do that, the truth is, some people can’t do what is required to stay the partner or employee needed in the relationship. Not that one isn’t good for anyone or any job, but that this current situation, with their personality, won’t work out.

    Admitting limits isn’t a bad thing, but a peaceful acceptance that you are made for some things and not for others. You aren’t made for everything and sometimes a job will serve mercy and let you go so you don’t have to keep trying to be someone you aren’t. The key from any situation is to accept it for what it is and use the opportunity to figure out what your strengths are and where you can best leverage these strengths.

    Maturity, new information, new situations, encouragement or discouragement, all things can change a person’s perspective, but the change will still be from the person doing it, and will only change if the person sees some value in the change. You can’t make someone care about something, you can only show them and let them decide to care or not.

    So, what’s wrong with a personality hire? As someone who is personable, I find it helpful to work with people who fit more so than someone who might have a better resume, but isn’t willing to change or learn to the human beings around them.

    What’s worse than a jerk who is intentionally mean? Someone who is a jerk, doesn’t know it, doesn’t accept feedback about it, and justifies their mood and approach based on the wrong that has been done to them.

    If you are looking for an employee or partner, from where I stand, I think it is the most critical to find someone who is willing to take feedback and respect boundaries of others and work demands. Otherwise, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle to someone who is the way they are and will be whether or not they get on a performance plan, an ultimatum, or simply just get ignored by people that don’t want to be around them.

    In summary, sometimes your problems in life are you, not them. Take the feedback, meditate on it, ask yourself what matters to you and stop trying to cover inadequacies, but own them as equal parts of yourself.

  • Parasite x Brain.

    Parasite x Brain.

    The parasitic flatworm Dicrocoelium dendriticum aka Liver fluke, aka “zombie ant fungus,” infects the brain of ants resulting in the ant crawling to the tallest point of a plant preparing to get eaten for the highest possibility of fertilization.

    Imagine it.

    The parasite drives the ant up the stem to be crushed in the grinding maxilla and mandible of livestock, ingesting the parasite to flourish in a new home. Then, if it gets too cold, if the ant isn’t consumed, it retreats to try again tomorrow.

    Mindless-drones doing as the parasitic infection demands, with no other objective than to spread. Now, that is scary, good thing we don’t have such a thing in humans.

    Facebook

    Instagram

    Twitter

    TikTok

    CNN

    MSNBC

    FoxNews

    NPR

    CNBC

    Us humans, we like to think we make good choices. We want to be good, we want to do what is best. No one goes forward with full intention of making the wrong choice. Unlike the ignorant ant, humans have intentionality and we loooove to use our smarts to justify our choices.

    Maybe the ants think we are the crazy ones for being influenced by entertainment sources to tell us how to live. The fact that we allow the fictional narrative of social media to alter how we view ourselves might be reason enough for the ants to prefer their colony over a cell phone.

    What if…just what if…the narrative you hold about yourself, the inner assessment of how well you’re doing in life and what you believe is important, was built on false teachings?

    Though we aren’t being manipulated to crawl up any trees, sacrificing ourselves to the further pollination of disease, we are choosing to go to the top of whatever proverbial grass blade, (social outlet) there is and sacrifice our true selves to the influence of misinformation for capital gain or continued social acclimation.

    Ask yourself, why do I do what I do and what really matters to me the most? Take a reflective look at your life and see the truth of where you have invested your time.

    Our entire life is a receipt of where we spent our most precious gift. If you did what you thought you should do, or did something because you wanted to fit in, or did something because you felt some sort of emotional response that you needed to satisfy, then it’s not too late to make a change and start living as yourself and what matters.

    Some brains are too far gone. The infection has spread and lingered for too long and delusion has sunk in. The once-malleable brain now plagued with a barrage of persuasion has the ability to rewrite history to support the slow crawl completely motivated by the influence of the parasitic ideas hellbent on the host’s destruction.

    If life is spent on anything less than the most meaningful thing, it’s a waste.

  • It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    “You are pissing me off.”Jeremy says as he abruptly turns around.

    “I don’t think you even care about me.” Betty starts to sob.

    Jeremy, now feeling the sting of Betty’s once-again sobbing decides not to give in this time.

    “You are so hard to talk to, you never get it.”

    Betty looks up with crocodile tears in her eyes, one trickle’s down her face as though a cinematic conclusion is about to take place.

    “You’re an A**hole.”

    Breakdown

    Here we go again, another disagreement between Betty and Jeremy. These two are always going at it.

    It seems as though something was going on here that set off Betty and according to her final conclusion, Jeremy must just be being an A-hole again.

    But then again, Jeremy says some pretty significant things too. Betty is actually “pissing him off.” That doesn’t feel good. Oh, and then to talk and not have your partner “get it.” Darn, sorry Jeremy.

    Boy, what a conundrum here. What a pickle. I guess both have to work on why one is an A-hole and the other needs to listen and “get it” better.

    Actually…

    What was said here does not represent what is actually going on. You see, Jeremy here stated that he is “pissed” and he places the blame on to Betty, with the “You are” portion of the comment. Interesting really, how does one actually “piss off” anyone, but isn’t it our own choosing to engage that emotion, to express that frustration because “you” did it? Is Jeremy’s “pissed-ness” actually all of Betty’s fault, or does Jeremy have some work to do to identify a few things?

    1. What does it mean to be “pissed off?” What does that expressional term feel like.
    2. What exactly did Jeremy notice Betty do that led to this feeling and is it a justified response from him or is he sensitive to certain things?
    3. When having a feeling and attributing blame to someone else, what can Jeremy do within when he feels this sort of way to better cope with the feeling he defines as “pissed off?”
    4. Also, what does Jeremy want with the chosen response of saying to Betty, “You are pissing me off?” What is the objective here? Don’t focus on what is said, but why, in this moment, did Jeremy saying these things.

    Look, these two have a difficult time communicating. And you can see why both Jeremy and Betty have a good amount of work to do at identifying what they want out of a conversation and how to better represent that want. Also, deeper within, the triggered response inside of each one, that they so quickly attribute to the other removes their part in things, which is an unhealthy road to go down. When you become a victim, everyone becomes your persecutor and lose control.

    Familiar Pain

    Patterns and habits are familiar to our brain and therefore the mind wants to stay in their already-established grooves. It is easier to stay in the familiar pain than it is to have to pull out of those grooves to do something different. Jeremy is pissed, clearly, but it isn’t all Betty that is the cause. Betty’s words, actions, early contexts with Jeremy all come to a head inside of Jeremy’s mind and he reacts with what appears to be trying to hurt Betty.

    Yes, sometimes, as much as we all want to deny it, our actions are intended to hurt the other person, which is why we use such harsh and seemingly ineffective words. I say “seemingly ineffective” because we think we want to articulate something towards a conclusion (making Jeremy’s words ineffective), but in reality we are hurt, and then we want to hurt the other person. Therefore, in one way, our hurtful words are very effective towards hurting someone The problem is that we think ourselves to be good people and believe the words were ineffective towards a healthy conversation. Jeremy didn’t want resolve, he wanted to hurt. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. We all choose to hurt people each day when we ignore contest and fail to apply what we know rationally to triggered emotions.

    Jeremy’s opening line is a result of a context within a situation with his partner which is from HIS own self to then determine to hurt Betty. The worst part, as is seen by not wanting to admit we go around hurting people, we aren’t even consciously aware we are hurting each other with our words. Our mind literally lies to us to protect us, justifying what we said, not with intent to hurt, but because we felt justified to say something.

    More to the story here and many hours could be written about these lines alone. Not to mention getting into each person’s past of themselves and the ups and downs of the relationship it’s self.

    However, from where I stand on this one, the only thing Jeremy and Betty can do is control and work on the deep reactionary pains from within themselves. These can be commonly referred to as “triggers.”

    So, it’s not you, it’s me. Isn’t all that wrong here. It’s actually a pretty accurate statement. It is MY reaction to your action (and underlying preconceived hurts, pains, etc.) that caused me to say hurtful and unproductive things.

    So, be more mindful Jeremy and Betty and don’t be so quick to respond. Sit in the emotion of the response. Allow your mind and body to experience the hurt of what is said to you. If you say something that hurt them, you are better to reflect and sit in that as well. Improvement in communication isn’t just saying words, it is doing work within each person’s self to be honest and articulate what you actually want to say and for what purpose.

    Or…you can just continue to argue in the familiar way until eventually you are so bitter you lose all hope of any improvement.

    You can’t control or alter your partner’s mindset with words. Changed actions reveal what you truly believe.

  • Enough Rope?

    Give someone enough space to let them fail

    or crumble

    or self-destruct

    or….figure themselves out.

    “Let em cook”- Me (I say that)

    If you struggle with confidence, then listen up. Confidence is not found in “doing better” but found in acceptance.

    Take a nervous mom. Now, nervous mom can’t watch child fail. Nervous mom runs in and helps. Nervous mom is nervous and so she doesn’t have the time or patience to hold their child accountable or encourage them to ask for things. Nervous mom just does things for the child because “it’s easier for her to do it herself.”

    In short, nervous mom fails to provide what the child needs, which is the space for the child to figure themselves out. See, nervous mom has nervous thoughts and these thoughts overwhelm her. Nervous thoughts fuel nervousness.

    So, to all the nervous moms, dads, future parents, children of nervous parents, we can combat this with….

    Self-acceptance.

    Even stepping outside of the strictly psychological and into the deeper foundations of what it means to be a thinking human, is to notice our souls encompass our bodies. Our bodies are organs and flesh, upheld and driven by a soul. To a nervous person, the soul can hardened over time and thus reliance on the body’s sensations takes over.

    See, the flesh is weak, the soul and spirit are strong. The flesh tears, the organs fail, the brain contains ego that is scared of people and the challenges they propose to the sense of self the ego has formed. But the Soul, that is something else, something that sees the world through a God-dependent and therefore most full perspective.

    Even if you don’t believe in God, but you struggle with confidence, you still benefit from pretending to believe. Yes, even acting as an all-sovereign being made you and everything around you puts things in a proper perspective. Get out of your own head for a while and choose to view yourself through a different lens.

    Christians (those who claim to know God as God and therefore Christ as salvation for our eternal souls and ideal model of life) we should not be nervous.

    Unless…

    we don’t really believe what we say….

    we want to stay in charge and rely on the failing body to choose for us by way of “feelings.”

    we are warped in our thinking, thus say we have faith but act on reliance of other thing more.

    No matter who you are, it is confidence in the whole self that has to occur for you to be you. Then you can go into any situation unworried because you have this core that will not be shaken. For non-believers, you can hold to a core sense of values to stay consistent in any situation. For Christians, your soul is dependent not on the body, but God and His Promises.

    Remember: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Those sorts of promises.

    Back to the space: Nervousness/anxiety/insecurity/lack of self confidence etc. do not allow room for someone, even yourself, to “figure it out.” You need the faith that what will be, will be. Who you are is who you are. If you don’t like who you are, that’s furthest from self acceptance. You need to understand that you can’t hate yourself or deny parts of yourself and progress into a peaceful and successful life.

    So, parents, give the kid space to fail and figure some things out. Adults and children otherwise, give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and experience what it’s like to cope with that feeling.

    Once you know that you CAN tolerate feelings and emotions that otherwise trouble you or cause you to overreact, you also know you don’t have to control or stop others from learning that they too can tolerate and even get more creative in their problem solving.

    So, in conclusion and from where I stand, it is better to be given space to fail and then learn from or about that failure than it is to indulge the nervousness and what it tells you to do to be “Safe.”

  • We all have a little Trump inside of us.

    We all have a little Trump inside of us.

    If I were you and you were me, what would you see?

    What would you experience if you were me writing this?

    You can’t possibly know what I am going through. You can’t because I am me. I have lived as me my entire life. Being me entails having my personality, my perspective, my experiences and how people experience me and me them.

    So, how can you possibly walk in my shoes if my entire life experience led me to seeing things the way I do and producing the reactions I have.

    You can’t “get” someone. You can relate to them from your own life experience, but “getting it,” shouldn’t be the goal.

    Here’s my sales pitch for peace:

    Empathy is the bridge to forgiveness.

    To be empathetic is the willingness to see the other person’s perspective. When you are hurt, scared, angry, sad, escalated in some way, the choice to empathize and relate to people seems impossible.

    Why would we choose to distance or judge someone? Judgment, justice, disgust, fear, anger, all of the above.

    I guess the real question is, why should we empathize with people who we deem to be “bad” or “wrong?”

    For your own peace.

    Empathy and forgiveness leads to a peace for the one who practices it. If you want peace, in your relationships, at work, watching the news, dealing with difficult customers, then you need to allow yourself to relate to the person you are dealing with.

    Typical argument against empathy:

    “But what if the person is a sociopath and doesn’t care about people, why should I relate to them?”

    Answer: One of the criteria for anti-social personality disorder aka sociopath is lack of empathy. So, if you choose to categorize people into a box that is “unrelatable,” then you just did what they do.

    If you want to be right, enact justice, judge and distance from someone, remember they are people too.

    The way humans are designed-they have parents, and those parents had parents, and so on. All the ancestry that came before us led to the “us” here today and leading to the “them” that is standing before you now. Both nature and nurture play into who we are today and why we chose what we chose. Not to mention, the choices available to as at the location and time in history we were born.

    Judge if you dare

    So, if you want to judge and enact judgment on people because of your god-like view of what should be, remember: people only know what they know and don’t know what they don’t. People learn by way of association and do what they do based on what was experienced, internalized, and believed to be true.

    People do the best they can with what they’ve got. People don’t do your best or a general best, but their own best. Even one who murders, chose to do so based on what they thought was the best choice. There isn’t a person who has walked this earth who hasn’t done the best they could with what they’ve got. Also, with the exception of Jesus, there isn’t a person who hasn’t done something they later revisit and think things could have been done differently today.

    If you can allow yourself to see that you’ve once misjudged, acted out of anger, chose based on limited information, then you can understand that someone else may be doing the same thing. Sure, they may have chosen differently than you would have, but their available choices, their normalized decisions, observed behaviors from family and friends, and many many other factors in their experience have led to them choosing to act as they did.

    You get angry and you yell.

    Someone else gets angry and they drink.

    Another person gets angry and fights.

    All are angry and neither can judge the other from their limited perspective.

    Finding yourself relating to others, and allowing yourself to be in their shoes, is much more than, “getting it.” Empathy will provide the ideal life of peace you want. If you want the peace that is.

    If you want to judge, then so be it, but you’re doing exactly what they are doing. The exact same thing you are judging is the same thing you can’t forgive or accept about yourself.

  • Scared to let it go?

    Scared to let it go?

    Familiar pain is still familiar.

    When you get to a point of pain, let’s say being overwhelmed, how’d you get here?

    Often it’s a series of decisions influenced by perspectives, life events, beliefs about oneself, and a number of other contexts leading to the same result repeatedly.

    When stress is experienced, or rather you feel what you identify as stress as a result of some external stimuli, what do you do with it?

    Nobody wants to admit this but you might be choosing to hold on to stress.

    Truthfully, do you find yourself coming up with excuses as to why the stress needs to be there, why you just CAN’T let it go?

    Story Time:

    Alright, so there I was, another overbooked day of people to see. I get a message about a referral for a new person. My immediate thought says that I should take the referral. I pause a bit, thinking about my schedule and realizing I have no slots left.

    I say, “yes” to the referral under the justification that I will figure it out later.

    I get stressed about scheduling this person immediately. I put off the decision, “I will reach out later to schedule.” I waited. The next day, I needed to call this person. I am thinking to myself about what to say, fearing that what they want I can’t offer.

    “Luke, why did you do this to yourself?”I say to myself.

    I start to spiral and think of every decision I make and how I am such a loser for not being able to be better.

    I regurgetate this feeling throughout the day and feed on it. I lose sleep over it. I go to the gym and feel guilt for being so selfish, for not being better.

    I don’t want to tell my wife because I know she’s going to say that she told me so, to not take on so many people.

    I fester on this for days.

    I call the person, finally, and they admit that they weren’t looking for anyone as a therapist, but someone had suggested it; however, they didn’t have it in their schedule just yet.

    The call ended. Crisis averted, right?

    No, I then say “why didn’t she want to see me, am I not good enough?”

    I start to think about how poor of a therapist I am and how I should never see another human being again. I fester on this for a few more hours. It turns into a slight lull. I tell myself that I have to carry on with life functions because I have guilt over that too.

    Stress was my fuel here. I felt stress and held on to it, unable to give it up. I justified why this stress existed and I justified why I couldn’t let it go. I took on something that caused the stress in the first place, which I have done repeatedly.

    Why can’t I just accept that I overthink and try to overplease people, that I struggle with insecurity and therefore revert into self-defeated thinking and just let it be? Why do I have to pressure myself into trying to be better, as though I am capable of doing so? Why don’t I just let the thoughts go, let the stress pass, while I hold on to my values and be the person I want to be? Not the ideal me, or alternative me, but actual me, me with anxiety. What stops me from accepting this person, love this person, be kind to this person?

    When I make a mistake and revert to over busying myself, again, instead of getting high on my own stressful spiral of thoughts and then the thoughts of judgement towards myself, I can say, “yeah, I do that sometimes.” It is here, acceptance, that I can then work to live according towards what I care about, the wellbeing of someone else.

    From this place of acceptance, I can set boundaries and end up being honest and assertive and saying “no.” As we all should sometimes. Being honest is simply living in reality. I could have said “no” the first offering, or called and said that I have no availability, a number of things. But to do that, I need to sit with my first thoughts (people pleasing and stress addiction)and let the emotion pass (let it go) to then make a rational decision.

    So, I needed to check my addiction to stress and ask myself if I really am willing to let go of the stress.

    From where I stand, “letting go” is really not as simple as we all thought. In reality, many of us want to hold on and feel that stress. We might be habituated to stress, addicted to it. Stress becomes baseline, a reason to complain, a distraction, justifies victimhood, a number of reasons stress exists and is scary to let go of.

    Be honest with yourself and work at identifying if you truly want to let go of the pain and be free from it. Maybe you are choosing to hold on to stress to justify being a miserable person.

    Yes, people do that.

  • Just a Thought.

    Just a Thought.

    Walking into the gym at 4:30 PM.
    Horrible.
    There’s no one person or reason for this horribleness, it’s just an accumulative jumble of overwhelming stimuli.

    The guy on the treadmill wearing a weighted vest, why does that annoy me?

    The girl with the tripod videoing herself doing squats. Is she really going to rest her equipment on the free bench next to her?

    The group of 3-4 high school/college boys eating scoops of pre-workout. Low key bros, please don’t spill that stuff on the floor.


    The old guy hogging the leg extension machine, sitting with his towel around his neck, staring off into space. Look, I am not saying he’s got all the time in the world, but he’s putting up a strong argument for it.


    The “rapper” who is reciting the lyrics to his favorite song.

    “You a clone, you a Meseek
    You a house N………., I’m a Roadrunner, meep-meep
    Think I work at Best Buy with the squad how I be geeked”

    Also, he’s white.


    These people shouldn’t even be allowed in my head, but I see them, feel them, (smell them) and all of them together just stresses me out.
    Do I want to walk with a weighted vest on? No.
    Do I want to film myself lifting? No.
    Do I want the leg-extension machine? Yeah, but I can work around it.

    Kids, group-lifts, and eating supps.- I literally sold supplements for years.
    Rapper guy? I’ll just leave him alone, society will take care of him.
    So, why do I care?

    Ego.

    OK, short answer. But it’s true.

    But why does my ego need to judge others?

    Because I am deeply insecure.

    OK, so then, why can’t I just be better and stop the judgement?

    Because the judgement is intended to get my attention, to categorize and then distance or draw close to traits I find more or less favorable.

    But, why am I drawn to some people and avoid others?

    Values, genetical influence, upbringing and modeled behaviors, among a few things.

    But in reality, the why the judgement/thoughts exist isn’t important. In the current moment, I am experiencing and noticing thoughts. Simple as that.

    If I didn’t know any better, I would believe that these thoughts were me and I would let them hijack me. I mean, they came from my head, so they must be true, right?

    Nah. Thoughts are just thoughts. You can recognize them and let them pass. You don’t have to do anything with the thoughts other than stop yourself from trying to fix, alter, or argue them. Let them exist.

    If you have a friend who gives bad advice, but he’s consistently trying to help you out with his short-sided view, is it better to argue him, or let him share and you decide not to take the advice?

    You can choose to indulge thoughts if you want. And the thoughts you have in life will always be very compelling. Why? Because your mind is trying to get you to act in some way, and it uses thoughts to influence you to do so.

    What if I mean-mugged the guy on the treadmill, just to let him know I didn’t approve. What if I chose to tell him how stupid he looks. What if I thought about him long after I left the gym and then decided the entire gym is stupid and people are stupid. Is that really better than just letting the thought exist when I first see him and continuing to redirect my attention to the task at hand?

    From where I stand, it takes less energy to let go of something, than to hold on to it.

    Thoughts aren’t what define you, your actions are. You can think one thing and act another. So, the person you are is determined by your actions and these are under your control.

  • This One Time…

    This One Time…

    Humility isn’t found easily. I’m not saying you have to be humiliated to experience it, but it does seem to be found in painful places.

    So, I was thirty years old. I knew it all. This was waaaay after when I was nineteen and knew it all. Long after when I was twelve and really knew it all. No, this was thirty and I had just published my first book after a successful blog run.

    I went by NutritionLuke and I had a blog about nutrition and mental health. Oh, I was also a budding therapist at the time too, so now I really had some weight behind me.

    I stood on a stage with a giant red dot on it and a sign behind me that read, TedX Lincoln. I was giving a Ted Talk about, you guessed it, nutrition and mental health.

    You can view it here if you want.

    I worked for months putting together and memorizing my speech. Also, I suuuck at memorizing things, just ask my Awanas instructors from grades k-8th.

    So, I cut out a lot of material and I put together a speech lasting about eight grueling minutes, most of which was just a story about how I was an overweight kid who ate processed foods.

    I mentioned in my speech about the correlation between processed foods and certain phsycial and mental health conditions and how food may be contributing to the opposite end of the fight, and it was winning.

    According to the materials I had read and the articles I came across, I was cruising along confidently. Then I dropped one line so subtly in the speech “processed foods are leading to increased mental health disorders.” And then I said it, “including ADHD.”

    Dang.

    Yeah, I attributed a neurobiological disorder to what we eat.

    Now, I am not saying certain foods won’t make symptoms of mental health worse, but to claim ADHD was derived from diet alone, well, that was wrong.

    Neurobiology entails that something like ADHD is something developed from brain structure, pathways, chemistry, the sort of thing you are born with. This is why so many people have a family history of ADHD.

    I claimed something and talked about it and I think there are like a thousand views on my my YouTube video and I can’t do anything but tell people that was like ten years ago.

    But that doesn’t matter does it? I was wrong in what I said on stage and have been wrong in what I have said to people in other ways. I have been wrong many times. And so have professionals too. I mean like real professionals (remember COVID?).

    From where I stand, we should all sit with our failures a little more than we should try to dismiss them. We should all be wrong a little more and feel that feeling the moment we realized that we were in fact wrong about something. No one is right ALL the time and when you get your slice of humble pie, eat it up nice and slow.

    Being humble does not come by choice, one does not say how humble they are or claim that they have worked really hard on being humble. That would dismiss the humility in the claim. So, sit with the public shame of your YouTube, Insta-post, TikTok, or dig deep and notice the posts you used to put on FaceBook many, many years ago for some of you. Sitting with these embarrassing things and owning up to them might end up being the best thing that ever happens to you.

    Classic Luke

  • You Think You Are Good?

    You Think You Are Good?

    How do you know when it’s appropriate to be understanding of someone’s bad behaviors? When is it necessary to take a stand against it?

    How much are we supposed to give when it comes to catering to someone else worst behaviors? For example, if someone has unhealthy boundaries, and they are always in your business, how much do you endure? At what point do you reinforce boundaries? If someone is an overly critical person, how much should you listen? When is it time to share with them how it affects you?

    I often hear in couple’s therapy sessions about how the couple believes they bond by justifying their partner’s behaviors. “You have to give,” is the common phrase. In reality, when we live according to the limits of someone’s traumas, triggers, or their inability to regulate emotions, we aren’t growing, we are becoming stunted. Out of this, “over-empathizing” and being passive, resentment forms.

    • You cannot indulge an unhealthy behavior in someone else enough to get rid of it.
    • You cannot justify an angry spouse by saying “well, their mom was mean to them.” This is not enough to finally get them to be kinder.
    • You cannot justify an abusive friend by saying “well, they didn’t really mean it.” This is not enough to get them to work on themselves.

    Sure, grace is one of the most important elements of any relationship. Giving is required from time to time. And if you are willing to give, then let it go, don’t hold it against the person. However, if you are continuously treated poorly, at some point the relationship goes to unhealthy very quickly.

    Relationships serve a purpose. It involves growing together with someone. It doesn’t mean you just understand them. It means you participate in growing with them. Love is a verb, it requires action. They should also be growing with you.

    A question you can ask yourself in a relationship, marriage, friendship even, “do I care for this person’s good?” If the honest answer is that you just want them to make you happy, then you may be at fault too. Their actions are not the only cause. You have to want for the other person’s good, and then be that good for them in their life.

    Being Good?

    As a therapist, I don’t change anybody’s lives that don’t want to truly change themselves. I don’t help people. I don’t fix or alter anything more than a gas station attendant that smiles when a customer comes in. As humans, we all reinforce and reject behaviors of those around us. It’s our job in a community to be honest. We should give to others what is for their good. Share with them what we notice. This can at least start their process of acceptance. If no one ever tells you a jerk, then the first person that does so will be rejected. But if the last 10 people would have said something, then that 11th could have turned to tide.

    We cannot be the “good” people that fix others or have all the advice. However, we can be good for others by listening and practicing honesty. Out of love, we give what we believe to be good for the person when we see a need.

    I’m not saying any of us will get this right, or that we should expect our relationships to magically improve. We shouldn’t be outcome independent. We should be good for others, just to be good for others.

    You know who was the absolute best for others, even when He told them things they didn’t want to hear? Jesus Christ. He was fully man and fully God. He was the smartest man who ever walked the earth. He literally changed the course of history with his life. Then, he changed the course of eternity with his death and resurrection. Jesus was the absolute best for everyone who had the opportunity to meet him.

    Being “good” is not the natural tendency of humans. We are selfish. We learn to be good. Many people aren’t taught “good” as being beneficial in their life. So, if we assume “good” to be natural and ingrained in all of us, we should consider the context of human behavior. We should remember how our environment shapes us.

    God made us in His image. We have fallen from this ideal dependence on God. Now, we attempt to live as our own Gods.

    Living a life of love requires faith. We must trust that what we are doing is for the good of someone else. It is not always understood by us. Also, we should never expect a reward for doing as we ought to do.