From Where I Stand

Tag: mental health

  • You Think You Are Good?

    You Think You Are Good?

    How do you know when it’s appropriate to be understanding of someone’s bad behaviors? When is it necessary to take a stand against it?

    How much are we supposed to give when it comes to catering to someone else worst behaviors? For example, if someone has unhealthy boundaries, and they are always in your business, how much do you endure? At what point do you reinforce boundaries? If someone is an overly critical person, how much should you listen? When is it time to share with them how it affects you?

    I often hear in couple’s therapy sessions about how the couple believes they bond by justifying their partner’s behaviors. “You have to give,” is the common phrase. In reality, when we live according to the limits of someone’s traumas, triggers, or their inability to regulate emotions, we aren’t growing, we are becoming stunted. Out of this, “over-empathizing” and being passive, resentment forms.

    • You cannot indulge an unhealthy behavior in someone else enough to get rid of it.
    • You cannot justify an angry spouse by saying “well, their mom was mean to them.” This is not enough to finally get them to be kinder.
    • You cannot justify an abusive friend by saying “well, they didn’t really mean it.” This is not enough to get them to work on themselves.

    Sure, grace is one of the most important elements of any relationship. Giving is required from time to time. And if you are willing to give, then let it go, don’t hold it against the person. However, if you are continuously treated poorly, at some point the relationship goes to unhealthy very quickly.

    Relationships serve a purpose. It involves growing together with someone. It doesn’t mean you just understand them. It means you participate in growing with them. Love is a verb, it requires action. They should also be growing with you.

    A question you can ask yourself in a relationship, marriage, friendship even, “do I care for this person’s good?” If the honest answer is that you just want them to make you happy, then you may be at fault too. Their actions are not the only cause. You have to want for the other person’s good, and then be that good for them in their life.

    Being Good?

    As a therapist, I don’t change anybody’s lives that don’t want to truly change themselves. I don’t help people. I don’t fix or alter anything more than a gas station attendant that smiles when a customer comes in. As humans, we all reinforce and reject behaviors of those around us. It’s our job in a community to be honest. We should give to others what is for their good. Share with them what we notice. This can at least start their process of acceptance. If no one ever tells you a jerk, then the first person that does so will be rejected. But if the last 10 people would have said something, then that 11th could have turned to tide.

    We cannot be the “good” people that fix others or have all the advice. However, we can be good for others by listening and practicing honesty. Out of love, we give what we believe to be good for the person when we see a need.

    I’m not saying any of us will get this right, or that we should expect our relationships to magically improve. We shouldn’t be outcome independent. We should be good for others, just to be good for others.

    You know who was the absolute best for others, even when He told them things they didn’t want to hear? Jesus Christ. He was fully man and fully God. He was the smartest man who ever walked the earth. He literally changed the course of history with his life. Then, he changed the course of eternity with his death and resurrection. Jesus was the absolute best for everyone who had the opportunity to meet him.

    Being “good” is not the natural tendency of humans. We are selfish. We learn to be good. Many people aren’t taught “good” as being beneficial in their life. So, if we assume “good” to be natural and ingrained in all of us, we should consider the context of human behavior. We should remember how our environment shapes us.

    God made us in His image. We have fallen from this ideal dependence on God. Now, we attempt to live as our own Gods.

    Living a life of love requires faith. We must trust that what we are doing is for the good of someone else. It is not always understood by us. Also, we should never expect a reward for doing as we ought to do.

  • Too Much Choice.

    Too Much Choice.

    I hate sales.

    I hate that I like sales.

    I hate that sales influence me to purchase something I wouldn’t have before, when it was full price.

    I guess it’s that I have some fulfillment in getting a good deal. It’s like I “got one over” on society or the business or something.

    I think it’s probably an unhealthy trait to wait for a deal. Finding something cheaper and buying it even when I wasn’t looking might not be a good habit.

    Dang it, Nike.com with your deals on Air Max 90s.

    This is also what I assume many people struggle with. They are so afraid of tariffs because of this.

    Here’s what I know about tariffs in the current climate: Americans are going to spend more money. They will need to pay more to buy products made by or with parts from other countries.

    Here’s what I hear from people: Things are going to become so expensive. It will cost too much to afford certain things they need.

    First thought: I guess I won’t be buying as many extra things.

    Alphabet Soup

    Do you go on to Amazon trying to find a product you knew you wanted? You end up seeing 20+ different versions sold from 20 different companies. Some of the names range from XXYO to Chapowzie, from ZIMONA to XXXCHYX.

    Are these real companies or are they all the same companies under different names to corner a market?

    Recently I was looking for better lighting for my online meetings. Now, I know the safest bet is to go to a store. You can see what they have and purchase it outright. Unfortunately, my expectant price point for this lighting system was skewed once I saw online some of the prices that the alphabet soup companies had. According to NEEWER the price of a selfie light was $24.99, but tech giant Logitech sells the same thing for $49.99. And If I really wanted a deal, XINBAOHONG sells the same light for $15.99.

    All the lights claim to do the same thing. They provide an appropriate amount of soft or camera-ready light to make me look stunning online. But the Logitech one is over double the price of the cheapest one.

    I have bit the bullet numerous times. I have many Logitech products that work really well. I know what I am getting. I also see the price compared to what the internet showed me what could have been and I am less satisfied and believe I got duped.

    “Why did you have to be so fancy Luke, just get the cheaper one Luke.”

    A Few Years Ago vs. Today

    Now my guilt sets in and I feel like I did as a child when I was embarrassed that we had store brand foods when the other kids had brands like Kraft and Helmans. I had “processed cheese product” and Wal-Mart’s home brand “Mayo.”

    But I am not a kid anymore and I want to…well…. I want to save money honestly.

    So, are more options better? Is the cheapest and thus money-saving option the best? It used to be pretty clear cut. Before the internet, you had a few options. You chose the old Bed Bath and Beyond method between “Good,” “Better,” and “Best.” Now if I apply my father’s logic that “It’s all the same,” I end up with a product that comes in a box with Chinese instructions. It doesn’t work longer than a week.

    If I didn’t know any better and could only go to the store and only knew this price for a computer light, I would be paying what was asked. Now, I know that I am paying more, when it was always just the price of the product.

    Once again Internet, you have ruined us.

    America has a plague that is overlooked. I see it in the face of my daughter whenever she’s given a choice from a large selection. She becomes paralyzed. Even if it’s the Friday night movie snack, the more options, the more stress to get it just right. When she only has the one freezer-burned ice cream sandwich to choose, she grabs it and starts eating and isn’t the wiser.

    Which leads me to my point. From where I stand, if prices continue to rise, tough choices will need to be made. Should we really see this as a problem? Alternatively, can we see some of the benefit in the idea that less is more?

    I’m not supporting all the reasons of the current President’s choices on why Tariffs are necessary, but I will say that it may take some stress out of life by my unwillingness to pay a certain price for something I don’t absolutely need (I.E. another pair of glasses, a NEW work light, that certain sweater that is somehow less than $30 on Amazon). So, unless I need another computer light to be able to work, I can hold on to my old one. I still have the past three.

    In essence, if I don’t need it, I shouldn’t be tempted to buy it. This applies even if there is a deal. It also applies if yAyusi sells it for a fraction of the cost.

    Life is all about perspective. If you choose to be upset and it ruins your day, then go for it. If you see an alternative to the negative we hear each day, you might find peace. This can happen even in the midst of a storm.

  • From Where I Stand

    From Where I Stand

    I am not new to starting projects. In fact, I am really good at it.

    For example: I had this idea to start a website where people could go to find easy opportunities to volunteer. In a particularly righteous and zealous state of mind, I thought of a message board where people could post questions or request small tasks they needed help with. This was intended to give others the opportunity the volunteer and assist those people.

    I came up with a blueprint on how things would work, thought of the name, ran through various scenarios where the people were getting help. In a fit of excitement and blindness to the restraints of time and requirement of finances on my end to pull off, I told my loving and very patient wife.

    She wasn’t as excited. I can only imagine the scene as a wild-eyed man with another “good idea” thrust onto her at 7AM was in fact her husband, whom she was bound to.

    Turns out, starting a whole revolution of community volunteerism is quite a project and after obtaining the website, a legal question came up, I got nervous, and started writing a new book instead.

    I had this other idea that I was going to write a book about being a Christian. Not only was the book going to be written from my very limited pool of knowledge, and youthful vigor of a know-it-all, but I turned it into three books! Imagine an early 30-something up at 3AM with all sorts of “good ideas” telling you how to live sacrificing the ways of the world from the comfort of a recliner, on a MacBook, and a gym obsession, fueled by three hours of sleep. I still love the title, “Volition.” In retrospect, I knew nothing and the multi-thousands of words written (even getting to book three) were in fact hurtful for anyone new to the faith who would have read it.

    One line from the book said: “As a believer in the most-high God, what else really matters? I mean, really, what else could possibly be worth spending time on and what else is worth concerning yourself with.”

    After a few years, a little more experience, and achieving a degree in seminary, I discovered that God does care about what we do here and there are things that matter. I guess it’s why God made us embodied beings and allowed us to develop materials, because He cares, so we should to.

    I had an idea for a child’s spoon with a deeper basin to hold more milk. The idea was to convince parents that this would lead to more protein in each bite and less wasted milk. Just imagine how the extra milk per bite could add up. I was thinking of naming it “Protein Spoon” or “Pro-Spoon.” However, getting a patent would cost around $10K, and considering I went as far as trying to poke a hole to deepen the spoon only to throw it away after ten minutes, I most-likely would have lost interest during manufacturing.

    Now, I recognize that my viewpoint is limited, which is why I named this blog “From Where I Stand.” I’m a therapist with a background in theology, and people say I explain things well. I wanted to create a space where I could share my thoughts and perspectives for others to easily read.

    Also, I should mention here that my grammar use, occasional spelling issues, and otherwise odd sentences are just who I am. I write as awkward as I speak. But, (can you start a sentence with but?) if you hang on I think you could get something out of taking the time to read my perspective.

    So, I will turn my Grammarly app on, and give my thoughts the permission to run (mostly)free. If you have negative comments or criticisms, then I appreciate you taking those and putting them in the suggestions box right inside my kitchen trash can.

    Otherwise, I wanted to share something before I kick this off.

    Remember that when you feel like you are going crazy, instead of going with the narrative that it’s you, sometimes its good to look around and realize, “oh, of course I am feeling crazy, it’s craziness out here.” Remember that the more off-kilter you are, the more commercials and media can slip something by you, take advantage of you, and you’ll lose yourself on the next “solution.”

    And with that, I welcome you to join along and hopefully get something out of this.

    (P.S. I only paid for a year so if this thing becomes boring, I guess it’l be on to the next thing.)