If you’re 20, maybe you have 60 years left.
If you’re 40, maybe 40 years.
If you’re 60, maybe 20.
You can do the math.
Maybe you’ll live to 85. Maybe 90. Maybe 100. But the point is the same: your time is finite.
Every day is a series of choices based on what you believe about yourself, the world around you, and what you think will be the best thing to do with that day.
Even if you don’t spend much time thinking about your life and mostly run on autopilot, your autopilot is still headed toward whatever matters most to you.
Now imagine if your beliefs about yourself, the world, or what makes for a good life were wrong.
What would you tell your younger self to keep doing? What would you tell them to let go of? Would you give them a hug or a lecture?
Now flip the question.
What would the version of you ten years from now want you to focus on today?
Recently, I injured myself pretty badly. I ruptured my quadriceps tendon. Surgery was quick. Recovery has not been.
For a while, I lost so much of what I normally take for granted. Small things like walking without thinking about it, driving, going to the gym, going outside, even wandering around the house looking for little things to do. It all disappeared almost overnight.
I know it’ll come back. That’s not the point. (Though I am open for financial condolences if you’re wondering).
But during this brief season, as much as I want to “get back to normal,” I’ve had to ask myself another question:
Do I actually want my old normal?
Or do I want something that’s more aligned with the life I really want?
Life is built on sacrifices and habits.
The unhealthy habits we often call vices. The healthy ones we try to protect.
Every day I’m sacrificing time, energy, attention, and resources for something. The question is: for what?
What do I get in return?
Do I actually feel better after watching one more reel?
Usually not.
Do I feel closer to the person I want to become?
Well…that depends.
If my goal is to be entertained or distracted for another five minutes, then sure, I accomplished that.
But if my goal is something bigger, maybe not.
Maybe the wrong question is, “Does this make me feel good?”
A lot of things feel good. That doesn’t automatically make them good.
Sometimes what feels the best today quietly steals tomorrow. Things like our sleep, our focus, our motivation, or our relationships.
This isn’t really about social media. It just happens to be an easy example.
The better questions are:
What do you want the most?
Why do you want it?
What does that say about the person you’re becoming?
And do you like that person?
If my highest goal is simply to feel good, I’ll probably leave a trail of people paying the price somewhere along the way.
If my goal is validation, looking successful, being admired, feeling smart, attractive, or important, it’s amazing what I can justify saying or doing to get there.
Feelings don’t have a moral compass.
They’re powerful, but they’re also impulsive. They don’t naturally stop to count the cost.
But is it really that bad to live for pleasure? For validation? For being liked? For feeling like you’re enough?
Especially if you can’t see yourself hurting anyone?
Here’s the problem.
Just because you can’t see the consequences doesn’t mean there aren’t any.
Most people don’t wake up wanting to become the person who hurts others.
We all want to believe we’re the good guy.
Even when we make poor choices, we usually have what feels like a good reason. Nobody says, “I knew it was a bad reason, but I did it anyway.”
So I’ll ask it again.
What do you want from the years you have left?
A couple of rules for the thought experiment:
You can’t change your past, so don’t spend your time wishing you had.
And don’t answer with “twenty billion dollars” without asking yourself why.
What would it actually change?
What would it give you that you don’t already have?
What are you really chasing?
If you’ve been investing your life into something that isn’t paying off, maybe it’s worth considering a different direction.
Maybe you don’t even have to change your life first.
Maybe you just need to change what you believe deserves your life.
Therapist note: I’m continually surprised by how many people pour enormous amounts of effort into parts of their lives that, when asked, they can’t explain. They don’t know why they’re doing it, or how it’s supposed to move them toward the life they actually want. People get into feuds, and the honest ones, when asked if they really care, will say “no, not really.” If we all met the person we could be by aligning ourselves with the most valuable thing, I think it’d be a lot easier to stop the vices and enter into the disciplines of that ideal version of ourselves.
Tag: life
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Something useful: What to do with your time.
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What Ice Cream Teaches Us About Jesus.
Imagine this: 400 eager students relishing the final morsels of a feast recently delivered hot and fresh from a state-of-the-art kitchen, equipped to satisfy the hunger of an army. Exuberant volunteers parade around with platter after platter of decadent, gourmet offerings. Every imaginable delight—pizza, wings, pasta, sandwiches, and an array of sides—beckons with tantalizing allure. Laughter and joy radiate from every face, as a lively dance of servers weaves through the leaders and wandering students, creating a breathtaking spectacle that is both chaotic and beautifully orchestrated.
Once the last bite is taken. A small quiet fills the room. An announcement booms over the speakers.
“Are you ready?! Let’s bring out the dessert!”
The rumble ignites with a gentle tremor, a few pounds colliding on the table, swiftly escalating into a symphony of clanging silverware, water glasses chattering, and beads of water gracefully dancing to the infectious rhythm of fervent fists and soaring vocals. Servers, like culinary warriors, grasp hot pans with oven mitts as they ceremoniously reveal heavy trays adorned with an ice-cold topping, elevating the visual ecstasy to breathtaking new heights. A magnificent slab of ice cream triumphantly rests atop a decadent cookie/cake/whatever it is, rendering your mom’s beloved homemade cookies pale in comparison to this mouthwatering spectacle.
Abundance feels great, right? It makes us feel loved and cared for. When everyone, no matter their age, can have as much as they want, it brings a sense of peace and comfort.
It’s not wrong to feel good, to have leftovers, to enjoy a full stomach.
Abundance is what we were always meant to feel. We are not made for scarcity. Even though our bodies survive well when in desperation, it shouldn’t have to…it’s stressful.
Ice cream at a summer camp designed to teach students about Jesus may seem like a small detail, but it powerfully encapsulates the essence of God’s Kingdom, a place of infinite abundance and perfect provision. Ice cream served by the slab embodies a celebration of life, requiring ample freezers, dedicated staff to lovingly cut and serve it onto 40-50 plates of delectable cookies, and the finest ingredients to craft this delightful treat. It creates a sanctuary where joy flourishes! Indeed, one could passionately assert that where there is ice cream, there is safety, there is love, and there is vibrant community, uniting us all in the sweetest of moments.
In a world of so much abundance, there is still so much scarcity. Where is the Love? We all crave what we were always meant to have, abundance beyond what we could fathom.
Do we let ourselves feel loved when we are taken care of, when we have all we need? Looking around and seeing all the ice cream lets me know I’m thought about, considered, taken care of, nourished, and there’s nothing wrong with a sweet, good time.
Pause here and ask yourself: What do I feel like when I am cared for? What does it feel like to be considered, thought about, appreciated, worthy even?
We may not always experience Jesus’s love in the ways we deeply desire, often because we’ve been conditioned to expect something different. But what if those fleeting moments of joy—like indulging in ice cream, receiving a thoughtful gift, a heartfelt compliment, or that unexpected message—are reminders of the boundless love we were destined to embrace? Am I truly allowing myself to bask in that goodness, or do I fall into the trap of overanalyzing each moment to “protect” my feelings? Building a barrier against life’s beautiful experiences only serves to rob us of true joy, a struggle many face in our quest for authentic happiness.
What if not allowing yourself to feel good was the most significant problem in your life right now?
Here’s what happens when we fail to let good things be done on our behalf: We reinforce self-centeredness and intellectual thinking that blinds us to a whole side of life we were always meant to experience.
Ice cream will never fix pain, loss, death, resentment, hate, but it can provide just a little release, just a little love, maybe just enough to get by another day to grow and learn from that day’s lesson. Who knows where life will take you, but hopefully there’s a bit of sweetness in it all. Being loved and nourished is how we were always meant to live.
The real question we must grapple with is this: do we allow God to “give us our daily bread?” Or do we falter in our trust, doubting that we are cherished enough to be provided for? While we may not always receive what we desire, rest assured that we will undoubtedly be given all that we truly need.
Next time you go out with friends, and you have that one who wants to provide for you, care for you, and nurture you, really let it sink in. Allow yourself to feel the love and care when someone gets to serve you. These reminders may help us grow in our faith and really experience the love of Christ we were always meant to have in a tangible form.
If people want to celebrate your birthday or surprise you with something they know you like, or just compliment your outfit. Sit in it, bathe in it, take it for all it’s worth- you are seen, considered, worthy of someone’s time.
We don’t just learn as we go through life, but we also gain experiences that teach us a deeper understanding of what life really is. This is wisdom; it goes beyond intellect and reaches out to our entire body: the parasympathetic nervous system, oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, endocannabinoids, breathing, heart rhythm, gut regulation, and hormonal balance.
We are destined for incredible possibilities beyond merely focusing on our own needs. When the chance to serve arises, embrace it wholeheartedly. If people wish to support us, welcome their kindness and allow yourself to feel truly deserving of their generosity.
I can only pray that in your life, you can experience the kind of love 400 campers and at least a hundred staff members felt when there was more to go around than our simple minds could imagine.
Life is more than just pursuit, accomplishment, and struggle- it’s about finding joy in all things, being merry, and putting faith in a sovereign God and what he provides for us daily.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance toward you and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:24-26
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Epiphany at 11:53 PM
It was probably my third extra spoonful of the creamy natural peanut butter at 11:53 PM that pushed me over the edge.
I didn’t feel good at that point.
Photo by Karola G on Pexels.com It may have been the packed caloric intake within a few brief moments of shoveling in spoonfuls of the creamy/grainy goodness combined with the last bit of Diet Pepsi that zoomed me past my comfort zone. It may have been the fan blowing on my feet thereafter causing me to be an uncomfortable temperature.
Whatever it was, the conditions were ripe for, you guessed it, a late-night critical thinking session.
This particular one wasn’t anything special, simply a theological debate in my head about sin, what it means to live, and what in my life needs to change that is holding me back from more.
I don’t necessarily want “more” of any one thing, specifically. I want more space in my stomach for more peanut butter probably. I wanted smaller spoons that I count up when eating the heavenly legume mixture, sure.
I know that it was here, chilly, uncomfortable, in bed where it hit me.
“It’s not about me.”
So, like any rational and uncomfortable person would do, I went to my office to write a blog post about it.
This idea was more than just, “not about me” in the sense of doing good for others. But literally, at the deepest and purest place, my desire to do good isn’t about the version of myself that thinks it needs to not be about me. But from the view of God himself, the me he sees and knows, knows that for life to be full, for things to workout at the highest level, I need to give up the focus of my life being on my life and to seek Him.
“Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”- John 12:25
So, there it is. A verse I have heard a thousand times, now hitting my vulnerable and sleepy self like a ton of bricks. Like a release from my own body, like the Hulk being released from Bruce Banner’s body in the Avengers: End Game.
For a brief second, I saw myself outside of myself and sat with the words of life. I saw my body lying there, thinking about myself, what I was going to do the next day, what sins I have committed the day before, what I need to do better on. I saw me thinking about me and felt pity for the guy I saw because of how off the mark he was here.
Why would I get sad about losing my life if in fact, it has always been true that to find one’s best and only life is to give it up?
I briefly thought of the commercials and movies I watched growing up. You know, during the good ol’ 90’s, which depicted a life best lived in scenes. One scene in particular was in the movie Father of the Bride.
In the scene I recall from time to time (for no reason at all) has Steve Martin talking to his about-to-bed-wed daughter outside and I think it starts to snow. I think as a father that would be a really pivotal moment, one that I recall frozen in time. However, then I realized the movie was put out in….1991!
1991! Are you serious?
That means that in that scene, even if it was a real person, which is safe to assume some father at that time was going through it, and that here in 2025, that movie is 34 years old. That means, the already aged father of a 20-something getting married is now probably seeing his grandkids getting married and having children. (Also it means that Steve Martin does not age, he’s been an old man since he was born.)
The scenes of my own life will soon be in the past and life will continue on, thus removing any significant moment I hold now to eventually be nothing because of my own passing and then my child’s passing, and her kids passing etc.
We all age, move forward. Governments grow and fall. Things come and go. There is a season for this and a season for that. Nothing in this world lasts very long anymore, not to mention, lasts forever. Not even the most significant legacies. Warren Buffet’s empire will be gone in a blink of an eye meanwhile there is some sea turtle out there who saw it all come and go.
So then, what stops me from falling into the abyss of nothingness? It’s that none of this, none of the world, none of the plans and outcomes of God’s plan found in man is about my life as MY life. But for HIS plan and intended outcome, the only true and real thing that will last.
Yes, our lives have deep and eternal meaning. Yes, it serves us well to live “good” lives and to honor others as ourselves and serve and be of good cheer and be grateful for the moment. Yes a man who is blessed can go ahead and enjoy his blessings. However, life isn’t about these moments as the main plot point. One doesn’t live “good” for it’s own sake or for the pleasure of the man alone, but one lives “good” because he knows what is true and that what is true is from the authority on truth alone.
Christ says He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). If this is to be true, then those who abide, turn to, trust in, apply his teachings, will have a “good” life as a result.
I am not asking you to do anything here. Just sharing the thought that when you meditate on life from time to time, realizing that all of what there is now fading, shouldn’t cause massive panic or regret, even sadness, but can bring joy. Joy can be found in the reality that all things pass. All things except the Word, the Word that was brought to life. The Word manifested in Christ who came and walked this planet.
Jesus. A real man. A real God. A relational God who is choosing to share with His people the truth that to find your life is outside of the you who finds it. But is only found when you come to the conclusion that your life isn’t about you, but Him.
From here, truth can spread into decisions and perspectives that can alter decisions. You might find that you can let things go. You might find that what scripture says to do-to think of others as yourself as one thing, will become a natural process as you now think less of your own satisfaction as the ultimate outcome and see your life now found in Christ who brought redemption from the dark thoughts of this world alone- the thoughts that are riddled with fear, greed, lust, gluttony (which with peanut butter and my overindulgence demonstrated why we should NOT do that).
When people talk about Christianity and what a Christian should and should not be doing, it’s not about us choosing from the place of us, the us that believed in the world as the point, but when we change our viewpoint, the things a Christian, or believer in Christ SHOULD do become more natural.
We are natural creatures meaning we live our nature just like a dog lives theirs. What that nature is starts with how one views their life, which Christ reminds us is only truly found when someone gives up their life as their own and as a result, lives as Christ tells us in the Gospels.
Now the passing of the peanut butter provides relief for the the me that chose to eat too much. The chilly air is no longer dominating my sensations (because I am in my office for one thing). But the negative sensations of my life are passed and I can feel a temporary relief. All the while knowing that there will be more discomfort right around the corner.
It doesn’t really matter though, because if my life isn’t found as my life, then I can only find true relief in the Scriptures that indicate what vantage point one must truly see to live the best life.
And it isn’t at the bottom of a 16 oz Smuckers Natural Peanut butter jar.
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Most Fascinating Thing This Week (trust me, it’s helpful too)
There’s a ton of really Un-fascinating stuff happening in the world right now. (Yes, with a capital “U”.) So I thought, let’s talk about one thing that’s actually fascinating (and maybe useful). Here are two that I chose from to discuss today.
1. The idea of “ego” has become the go-to villain in the self-help genera of life. But spoiler alert: it’s not the bad guy.
2. About 12% of all children in the world (yes, all children) have been sexually exploited in some way. Brutal fact.Since the second is horrifying, soul-crushing, and entirely worthy of major spotlight, let’s put our focus on the first for now.
So, about ego — no, it’s not the devil hiding behind your sofa.
What we’ll call little e (yes, I’m being cute): this little guy sits at the center of the circle of “you.”
Picture the inner you — the one that knows you’re skimming the surface, the one that whispers “I’m faking it” or “I don’t quite measure up”. That’s little e. That’s your self-barometer, your anchor, your sense-of-self storehouse.
When your little e is solid and established, life runs smoother. You hear a story, you filter it through yourself, you respond (or not) from that place. But when little e is shaky, missing, or more “void” than “voice”? Enter chaos as the ultimate distraction.
What it looks like when little e is missing:
Imagine standing at the edge of a volcano. Or overlooking a cliff. Terrifying.
Now imagine that emptiness — the “center” of your existence — is like that: a gaping, empty void. Scary enough, people would rather live outside themselves than face that emptiness. If you don’t have a strong internal “you” (little e, your ego in the healthy sense), you’ll end up living in relation to the outside world instead of from the inside.
And what happens? Drama. Pure, nonsensical chaos. Because your little e can’t ground you, so you bounce around in the drama. And the “drama” here has no purpose other than to exist for it’s own sake.
That’s where the classic drama show starts: Karpman Drama Triangle
Yep — the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor triangle.
photo credit:
commons.wikimedia Karpman Triangle.png – Wikimedia Commons
Here’s the quick version:
- Victim says: “Poor me, woe is my life.”
- Rescuer says: “Let me fix you, you poor thing.”
- Persecutor says: “It’s your fault. I told you so.”
The sick twist: people flip between these roles. Victim becomes Persecutor. Rescuer becomes Victim. It’s all a game of unconscious pay-offs. Meanwhile, nothing meaningful changes.
(And here’s an advanced idea for those who get stuck in problem-solving: someone who places you in their drama will report a rational problem, “you didn’t do this.” A problem solver will try to solve or explain, but to no avail. Why? Well, because that would satisfy the drama and force someone back to their empty, unsettled self aka little e.)
Why we keep doing this
Because when your little e is weak or missing, you can’t face the inside. So you stay in the outside world: the social drama, the stories, the “who’s out to get me,” the hero-rescuer missions. Because those are easier than the void.
And yes: if you’re always saving someone, or always being saved, or always blaming/being blamed — guess what? You’re probably knee-deep in the drama triangle, either as participant or audience.
So what to do? (Besides rolling your eyes at people in drama)
- Notice your pattern. Are you always the Victim? The Rescuer? The Persecutor?
- Begin to build/strengthen little e: your internal sense of self. Hobbies, interests, commitments that are yours. Not just roles you play for others.
- When someone else is in the drama loop: don’t become the hero-rescuer by default. Ask: What do you want? What can you do?
- If you’re exhausted, unhappy, distant — and drama keeps showing up like an unwanted guest: maybe do the work. With someone (see: “good therapist”).
From where I stand, that was a fascinating thing for the week.
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To Serve is To Live
What’s the Point? (No, Seriously. What Is the Point?)
At some point, we’ve all stood in the shower, stared off into the void (or the shampoo bottle), and asked the big question:
“What’s the point of all this?”
Like, really. What’s the point of working? Of meal prepping chicken and rice like we’re training for the Olympics when the only race we’re running is to beat traffic? What’s the point of going to the gym, squeezing into shirts that are a little too tight (okay, maybe that’s just me), and checking credit scores like its the weather?
Asking “what’s the point?” is not a crisis—it’s actually a solid philosophical question, right up there with “Is cereal a form of soup?” and “Do dogs like me as much as I think they do?”
But seriously—what happens after you reach the goals?
You made the money. Lost the weight. Landed the promotion that requires 60 hours a week… which now requires 70 to maintain (and a personal assistant, a neck brace, and maybe a therapist-I know a good one). You bought the car. Paid off the student loans. Traveled to Italy and ate pasta that made those tight shirts even tighter in a different way. You’ve done The Things.And then what?
At 25, I had this little existential meltdown (I think it’s called a quarter-life crisis). I realized I might not become a millionaire—despite my mother assuring me I could be anything I wanted to be, including the world-renowned biochemist I aspired to become after watching Outbreak at age nine. Thanks Dustin Hoffman.
I mean, sure, buying those new shoes felt good. And yes, the compliments on the designer outfit were nice—until I realized I still felt kind of… empty. Not sad, not broken. Just unsettled.
Now, some people find meaning in marathons, psychedelics, or finishing every episode of The Office (again). Others chase after this mysterious thing called “existential achievement” like it’s a Pokémon. And for many, the couch and a rerun of Seinfeld is more than enough—and hey, no shame if you’re still riding that DVD life.
But if you’re one of the curious ones—the ones who can’t shake the “What’s the point?” question no matter how many productivity podcasts or oat milk lattes you consume—then maybe it’s time to stop asking what the point is, and start asking why you’re even here.
Not to be dramatic, but… why do you exist? What was the reason for you being created in the first place?
If you ask an atheist, they might say we’re just floating on a rock, existing until we don’t—nothing more, nothing less. Which is philosophically interesting but doesn’t help you get out of bed on a Monday. (No offense, atheists—but seriously, how do you guys do it?)
Personally, I believe there’s a Creator—a higher Being who loves us into existence—and that gives me meaning. That awful Monday meeting? Purpose. That toddler tantrum in Target? Spiritual growth. That parking ticket? A lesson in patience.
Because if love is real, and God is love, then you are loved—on purpose. Not randomly, not accidentally. And that changes everything.
Achievements are fine. Financial freedom is lovely (at least I’ve heard that). But none of it will satisfy the soul. Not fully. Not for long.
So maybe the real question isn’t “What’s the point?”
It’s: “What am I here for?”
And “How can I live the most valuable life with the time I’ve got?”If you start there, even the tight shirts start to make a little more sense.
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Is Fear Making You a Jerk?
Spend the Ten Bucks, or Spiral Into Existential Dread?
If someone handed you $10 right now, would you A) gleefully march into a coffee shop and upgrade your sad drip sort of life to a life-affirming double shot, sugar free caramel, heavy cream breve? Or B) stand in the middle of the sidewalk, paralyzed, wondering which of your potential dreams you’ll crush by spending that Hamilton? (Spoiler: It’s just ten bucks. Chill out.)
This, oddly enough, mirrors a spiritual moment I had during a self-imposed “growth spurt” —the kind where you decide you’re going to get deep, and then immediately regret how deep you went. I can get obsessed sometimes.
Enter Foxe’s Book of Martyrs. If you’re ever in the mood for a light read that’s actually the opposite of that — like, “ouch-my-soul” level dark — it’s perfect. It’s a collection of stories about early Christians who suffered unimaginable horrors. I used to say unimaginable, but now that I’ve read enough of it to crush any resolve for that week, I wish I couldn’t imagine them anymore. Thanks, John Foxe.
Much like Christ — who was crucified by the Romans with PhDs in Torture Design — these stories are powerful, brutal, and historically necessary to be aware of. But here’s the thing: constantly marinating in the worst of humanity doesn’t actually help us become better humans. I mean, you don’t get joy by doomscrolling martyrdom, right? Or by seeing others great new thing and telling yourself you’re a loser because you don’t have the same.
So here’s the twist: whether you’re a CEO, a stay-at-home parent, a single introvert with a dog named Dan, or someone who still doesn’t know how taxes work — life constantly hands us two roads. One leads forward. The other looks like it’s going forward… but turns out to be a really confusing cul-de-sac with a sign that says “Growth Stunted Here.”
And while we love to say things like, “I just feel stuck,” the truth is, we’re all driving our own little emotional Teslas charged by what we truly desire in life: our mood, our mindset, the narrative we cling to like the cliffhanger of our favorite new show. Nobody’s totally out of control — not even your Aunt Jenny during election season.
In reality: humans were made in God’s image, with the ability to choose. But instead of staying plugged in to God’s mind-blowing wisdom and presence, we veered off, choosing our own “brilliant” ideas. And surprise! That disconnect kicked off a multi-generational game of Operation: Fear edition. (Don’t step out of bounds, you’ll get buzzed).
It’s no wonder we fixate on what’s wrong. The world practically dares us to. But being stuck in that pattern doesn’t mean we’re depressed. Sometimes, we’re just being… well, let’s say “chronically cranky.” Or as the street psychologists say: “negative assholes.” It’s a common diagnosis. No copay required. (Send $35 if you’d like though.)
So the real question is: what are you focusing on today?
Is it what you fear? What you lack? What you wish were different?
Or do you believe — even just a little — that you have the power to shift your focus to the good? To be present, even if the present moment involves spilled coffee, a toddler tantrum, or a boss who thinks “urgent” is a personality trait?
Because choosing to be present — to stop judging, stop spiraling, and just be — that’s the sweet spot. That’s where gratitude lives. That’s where your healthiest self starts waking up and saying, “Hey, this might be okay after all.” After all, life’s a journey, right?
So, next time you have $10 — or a hard decision, or a tough day — ask yourself: am I spending it on growth, joy, presence… or renting space in Downsville?
Choose wisely. And maybe still get the best latte of your life. You’ve earned it.
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Iphone and Emotional Intelligence
So, I put my car in drive. Again. I’ve driven to the same destination about five times now. Maybe more. I don’t know—who’s counting?
Well, My iPhone is.
I start moving, and then I back up—because I’m just a thrill-seeker like that—and BAM: the familiar little chime goes off.
“Gym is nine minutes away.”
Every. Single. Weekday.
(Ok, not EVERY day? But you get it)
It’s like my iPhone gaslights me.
“Im not following your every move, you’re just paranoid.” It knows. It knows when I leave the house. Worse yet, I think it knows I know. (But I also know it knows I know).
Sundays it whispers, “Church, 13 minutes”, like it’s trying to gently nudge me toward salvation. Other days it nudges me toward capitalism:
“Office, 11 minutes.”
And if I’m feeling in need of overpriced snacks:
“Gas station, four minutes.”
So what does this say about the iPhone? More importantly, what does this say about me, a supposedly evolved and deeply complex human being with a fully developed prefrontal cortex (let’s hope)?
It says… my phone learns faster than I do.
My iPhone doesn’t need a life coach, a therapist, or a hundred repetitions of the same bad idea before it goes, “Hey, this is a pattern.”
Meanwhile, I’m over here needing a divine intervention and disabling guilt to acknowledge, “Oh, maybe I do this a lot.”
But here’s the thing: the iPhone doesn’t have feelings. It doesn’t wake up and re-think, “I don’t feel like going to the gym. Maybe today’s a bakery day.”
Nope. It doesn’t negotiate. Doesn’t justify. Doesn’t self-sabotage.
It doesn’t wonder if the treadmill is judging it or if the shirt it’s wearing was actually washed (clean and dirty clothes getting awfully close to one another).
It just sees routine, data, habits. Predicts and then Executes.
So again, why don’t I learn like an iPhone? Why do I need the same lesson 30, 40, 184 times before it even occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, this is a bad idea?
Here’s where I stand: good habits are boring, and bad habits are spicy.
Take doughnuts, for instance. I didn’t need 40 tries to decide I liked doughnuts. That lesson was locked in immediately.
Ask my mother—she has the smashed-cake baby photos to prove it.
My daughter? My nephew? One doughnut and they’re in a committed relationship.
But that same reward system? It works a little too well with gossip. Or swearing. Or skipping leg day.
Somewhere, somehow, there’s a reward hiding in these less-than-ideal behaviors. A tiny hit of dopamine, a splash of excitement, rebellion even.
So maybe the real issue isn’t just stopping the bad—it’s finding something good instead.
Because if “gym” is less rewarding than “bakery,” well then, I can’t exactly trust my feelings, can I?
My internal compass is calibrated to pleasure, but maybe the compass is a little… off.
Which brings me to the haunting question:
How many tiny, subpar decisions am I making every day that are driven by the lower, pleasurable me, versus the ideal gym-goer my iPhone might think I am. (Or at least, think that I think I am).
Not the huge, dramatic habits—the little ones. The ones that snowball. The ones that come with a side of guilt.
How many times does it take to change a behavior?
Thirty?
Forty?
Or do I just need to become more like my iPhone?
Because honestly… my iPhone figured it out in five.
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Attention Deficit Hyper-something Di…..did you see that one movie?
The Case of the Disappearing Keys
It was a bright and somewhat sunny Tuesday morning, and I was on a mission: get to work on time and maybe get my kid to school on time too. Sounds simple enough.
But in the realm of ADHD, that’s a high-stakes game.
I patted down my pockets, feeling the familiar smoothness of my phone and a strangely pack of gum from the last time I wore the pants. But where are my keys? I could swear I left them right on the kitchen counter. Poof! Like an unintentional magic trick, they had vanished.
With the precision of a dog looking for his lost bone, I began my investigation. The first suspect: The little backpack I take to the gym. I check, but non he’s innocent. Second culprit: Oh, I must have left them in my gym shorts. Strike Two. OK, for my last and final witness, they must be in my sweater pocket, again from the gym. But wait, I didn’t wear my gym sweatshirt back from the gym.
Also, should I wash that sweatshirt because I did workout a little in it. I am going to set it on the counter and get to that decision later.
Time is ticking by…but I am unaware.
I check my watch.
Ahhh, 5 minutes have passed and is all I did was look in two places?
The Odyssey Continues
After an embarrassing struggle, I found my keys nestled in the middle console of my car. Praise Jesus! Fueled by triumph and adrenaline, I tell my daughter abruptly, “we are going to be late.”
This one is my fault, but this does not negate the “we” here. After all, WE will be late…the fault? Well, that goes to my mind’s love of chaos.
I decided to grab my coffee before we leave. So that I can have enough caffeine in my system before the first therapy session, which starts in, well, it already started technically. The ADHD fairy sprinkled her magical ‘let’s-distract-you-with-everything-in-sight’ dust on me.
I decide the coffee needs some half and half.
But should I add the fats to the coffee so close to my post-workout routine? Should I just be a man and drink the black coffee?
Decision making with ADHD is like going into a labyrinth filled with shiny objects. First, I think about my daily caloric intake, specifically from fats. Next, I think about how I don’t drink enough “unaltered” coffee and always need to do something else to it, you know, be “extra,” aka “doing the most.” Also, should I add some sweetener to it? Or is that just another thing I can’t tolerate, the actual taste of coffee?
I decide that I work hard and deserve the altered coffee drink.
8:07 AM. The shock hits my body, we are really late.
“Sweetheart, let’s go! The bell already rang.”
“OK, I have to go to the bathroom.”
“What!”
I can see my future, homeless self holding a sign, “Free Corner Therapy, anything helps.” As I imagine my forgiving client’s patience running thin.
“How could you take advantage of me, my time is valuable” I imagine them saying.
“I am going to tell everyone you suck.” They will follow-up with the death blow of therapists everywhere, a bad review.
The Great Forgetting
I finally arrived to my first session of an overbooked schedule. Mentally, I am working at being present, not over apologizing and getting right into the material to show that the client’s wait was worth their time.
“Again, I apologize….” Just like a slow motion Tik Tok video emphasises the behavior that I wanted to avoid. “Fooooooorrrrrrr beeeeeeinnnnnggggg Laaaatttteeeee.”
Ahhhhhh….noooooooo…….
Now they have to say, “it’s OK,” that they “get it” that they know the mornings can be, “rough.”
But it shouldn’t have been rough, if I kept my keys in the same place, didn’t need constant caffeine to stay engaged, as well as some earlier things such as doing one more rep at the gym, doing one more page of writing, pushing for one more preparation of food item and one more conversation with my wife. I can do it….I can fit it in…….
Conclusion
Life with ADHD is often a rollercoaster ride where mundane tasks morph into epic adventures. While I may be the proud owner of the world’s most disorganized brain, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Overall, I like the way I think. On the positive end, I can get too focused, and feel emotions deeply. I think this benefits many people. It took me a while to accept the way I think, and clearly there are underlying parts that I want to improve on (cough) fixating on if people like me or not. But, overall, it’s me I have to accept, not try to get people to accept me by enhancing my stress with an ideal “mask.”
So here’s to the beautifully bizarre world of ADHD! Even if my thoughts sometimes lead me down a rabbit hole or two.
Now, excuse me while I try to fit in making a smoothie, packing my backpack for the day, and getting across town to the office I work at on Wednesdays.
Wait, what is today again?
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This Will Solve Everything!
Glad you’re here. Glad you decided to do this for yourself. I find that people willing to take the helping hand and in turn, humble themselves, do better in life than those who don’t.
What is “better?” Well, it’s better than…
Better than…being prideful, greedy, selfish, masking, denial, prideful.
Humility in asking for help is better than all the rest of the “successful” traits.
Humility is simply better than pride and tastes so much sweeter when experienced than does, arrogance or stupidity.
Yes, to be humble is to be wise. Humility shows you that you can benefit from anyone at anytime, so it’s good to listen.
What solves your problem then isn’t the solution, but the next problem.
You want to lose weight, so you starve yourself. Thirty-five pounds later your problem is solved right? You wanted to lose weight right? You should be content now.
But wait, your life is now more miserable than it was before. Why, well, you now have something to lose, or in this case, gain. You could gain the weight back and be the piece of crap you were before.
You can’t go back there. You have to keep the weight off, if not lose more.
You reinforce the belief that only certain versions of yourself are good enough to be admired, the weight-loss part, the thinner legs and slightly flatter stomach. You have to depend on the weight loss to make you happy because it cost you so much.
But you still aren’t happy.
So you get fat again and say “I accept me for me.” But now you are the model of yourself you so harshly judged when you were thinner, when you “had it all together.”
Your willpower was used to get you something you thought you wanted. But you were lied to. Your solution to your identified problem is now your new problem and so on and so forth.
Humble yourself and allow yourself to see moment to moment what you live for, and be really honest about it.
You wanted to be sexy, wanted to be wanted, looked at, coveted. Maybe you nobilize that you wanted to feel better, and that might be true. But honestly, what is your problem, other than the fact that you are living for things you think you should live for. You assess yourself based on a measuring stick that was formed from your environment.
Your pride says you know what to do. Your god-like self says that you alone came up with the solution. Your worst and most destructive parts have led you to a false sense of control that is actually a jail cell.
I promised you this post would solve your problems. SO here it goes. It’s not the problem your mind tells you is a problem that needs to be solved. You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to be better. You need to identify the underlying repetitive narrative that tells you the same thing-feeding you what the problem is. You need to see your brain and body for what they are and stop trying to solve and fix. The resolve here is to sit and wait.
Yes, patience and quiet.
You create more problems by doing too much. Life isn’t measured in how much work you do. Life is given to us to be experienced and to do so with a mind focused on the highest things.
“Whatever you do in word or deed, do it for the Lord, giving thanks through God the Father” Colossians 3:17.
Serve your highest value in everything and you will discover that your problems are solved because they were never really the problem at all.
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The Subtle Art of Caring
I am fortunate to get to hear stories everyday. Sometimes I wonder how many people wonder if I still care or not?
I would hope that my presentation is one that demonstrates care, but what if there’s something I am unaware of that comes across as uninterested in the other person?
But yet, to try to seem like we care isn’t really caring. To actually care requires us to no longer try to depict caring, but to feel what the other person feels.
But then, how do we find the space for care and compassion for other people around us when we may be struggling ourselves?
I find that it’s not about our initial thoughts that determine if we care or not, but to care is more about noticing our habitual first thoughts and choosing to act based on what matters the most.
As humans we are designed to be together in community. I would gamble on the idea that if you dig deep enough, you do care about community. Even if you focus on yourself to be praised by that community. A reason why self-established god status is because you believe it is good for people to praise you, just like you might think it’s good to praise yourself. No god is going to think it’s not good for the people to praise them.
As a general rule, we desire good for one another. So, although short-sided and misguided, self-promotion can be an attempt to do good.
But how can we care about people in the right way,?
- We were given two ears to hear and one mouth to speak. Yes, all you philosophers out there, people loooooove to get advice, but often listening can show you care so much more.
- You can improve your ability to acknowledge the thoughts and then checking the thoughts against what matters to you and then choosing what action aligns with who you want to be.
- You want to be good, then do good.
Good then comes down to thinking if you were that person, what would you want/need in this situation. If you like to talk like I do, then I love it when I get someone to listen to me. I love it when even though the person might not fully get what I am talking about, they can see my passion and because they want me to feel cared for, they care about hearing me talk about my passion.
These people I like to talk with, nod, acknowledge my ideas, ask questions, even propose an alternative perspective. The best people first try to see what I am saying before they impose their ideas.
So, thinking about the people I have enjoyed talking to, I work to mimic these people. Because of my own selfish nature, I need models to show me what a listener does to show they care. And no, it’s not being fake to do this, but it’s to live as the person I want to be.
Now, smiling and nodding along is great, but there is so much more to caring. And this is important:
Within a healthy relationship, I also like when I am challenged. When questioned with intent to help me see something differently I am grateful for it. I mean, I am initially defensive in my head, but with time and practice I can see how feedback is exactly what I need. So, I also use the relationship and understanding I believe I have with people to share the same challenges or alternative perspective to them. All of this is under the umbrella of caring for people’s good and wellbeing.
Although the long-term goals of other people may be different than what we want for them, in the short time together we can demonstrate care and compassion by listening. We can improve at removing the expectation that we have to fix or answer everyone.
Remember, when caring for others, it’s not about you.
From where I stand, if someone comes to you with a problem, it’s good to listen. After the conversation you might find that the initial “problem” they had wasn’t really the problem. People have a desire to be heard. So, if we do to others as we would like to have done to us, we don’t give advice, correct, or even reprimand (although there is a time and place for all of these things), listen first. Then, through caring and empathetic ears we can ask ourselves what sort of conversations do we like to have and who do we think of when we imagine absolute kindness and caring at it’s best within a conversation.
From Where I Stand 