From Where I Stand

Tag: faith

  • Enough Rope?

    Give someone enough space to let them fail

    or crumble

    or self-destruct

    or….figure themselves out.

    “Let em cook”- Me (I say that)

    If you struggle with confidence, then listen up. Confidence is not found in “doing better” but found in acceptance.

    Take a nervous mom. Now, nervous mom can’t watch child fail. Nervous mom runs in and helps. Nervous mom is nervous and so she doesn’t have the time or patience to hold their child accountable or encourage them to ask for things. Nervous mom just does things for the child because “it’s easier for her to do it herself.”

    In short, nervous mom fails to provide what the child needs, which is the space for the child to figure themselves out. See, nervous mom has nervous thoughts and these thoughts overwhelm her. Nervous thoughts fuel nervousness.

    So, to all the nervous moms, dads, future parents, children of nervous parents, we can combat this with….

    Self-acceptance.

    Even stepping outside of the strictly psychological and into the deeper foundations of what it means to be a thinking human, is to notice our souls encompass our bodies. Our bodies are organs and flesh, upheld and driven by a soul. To a nervous person, the soul can hardened over time and thus reliance on the body’s sensations takes over.

    See, the flesh is weak, the soul and spirit are strong. The flesh tears, the organs fail, the brain contains ego that is scared of people and the challenges they propose to the sense of self the ego has formed. But the Soul, that is something else, something that sees the world through a God-dependent and therefore most full perspective.

    Even if you don’t believe in God, but you struggle with confidence, you still benefit from pretending to believe. Yes, even acting as an all-sovereign being made you and everything around you puts things in a proper perspective. Get out of your own head for a while and choose to view yourself through a different lens.

    Christians (those who claim to know God as God and therefore Christ as salvation for our eternal souls and ideal model of life) we should not be nervous.

    Unless…

    we don’t really believe what we say….

    we want to stay in charge and rely on the failing body to choose for us by way of “feelings.”

    we are warped in our thinking, thus say we have faith but act on reliance of other thing more.

    No matter who you are, it is confidence in the whole self that has to occur for you to be you. Then you can go into any situation unworried because you have this core that will not be shaken. For non-believers, you can hold to a core sense of values to stay consistent in any situation. For Christians, your soul is dependent not on the body, but God and His Promises.

    Remember: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Those sorts of promises.

    Back to the space: Nervousness/anxiety/insecurity/lack of self confidence etc. do not allow room for someone, even yourself, to “figure it out.” You need the faith that what will be, will be. Who you are is who you are. If you don’t like who you are, that’s furthest from self acceptance. You need to understand that you can’t hate yourself or deny parts of yourself and progress into a peaceful and successful life.

    So, parents, give the kid space to fail and figure some things out. Adults and children otherwise, give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and experience what it’s like to cope with that feeling.

    Once you know that you CAN tolerate feelings and emotions that otherwise trouble you or cause you to overreact, you also know you don’t have to control or stop others from learning that they too can tolerate and even get more creative in their problem solving.

    So, in conclusion and from where I stand, it is better to be given space to fail and then learn from or about that failure than it is to indulge the nervousness and what it tells you to do to be “Safe.”

  • Bad Choices?

    Bad Choices?

    When I was 19 I got my first tattoo. I was told that it meant “forgive” in, “Chinese.” I apologize to any pacific islander by overly assuming that all symbol language is simply, Chinese.

    At 23, I took 18 credit hours, including both a microbiology course and a biochem class (both had labs).

    At 32 I tried to mix greek yogurt and hot coffee for a protein coffee drink (We were out of protein powder).

    At 37 I ran outside for two hours when it was -10 degrees, plus the windchill factor it was more like -17.

    Let’s just say that I have made some questionable choices in my life, that at the time (and is publicaly stated), were “bad”.

    I never intended to make a “bad” choice when I made the choice however. At the moment I tried to make my coffee drink I thought of yogurt being a dairy product. We put dairy in our coffees all the time. I thought, “well, based on experience, this should work.” When the sour yogurt and the hot bitter coffee combined, the cottage-cheese formed substance partially cooked and I ended up with a cheesy-sorta-coagulated crust atop the still hot and still bitter coffee. Again, no step leading up to this mess was necessarily “bad” but was the best I had at the time.

    That’s the kicker though isn’t it? We all make choices in the moment with the information we have at the time. Anyone can look back on any point in life and judge from the now-perspective and information and say that a choice was bad.

    Nothing is “bad” to our mind at the time, but simply the best we had.

    Sure, there is always a context in every decision. For example, the tattoo was during a time when I had lost contact with a good friend. I decided it was not only cool to get my first tattoo, but noble I would put “forgive” on my back. Also, to put forgive in a symbol of another culture just seemed so open-minded. I really thought this was the absolute best idea. I really put my best foot forward and still, 20-years later have this obscure tattoo which I still haven’t looked up to what it really means.

    What the tattoo, cottage cheese coffee, the almost-frost-bitten run taught me was invaluable wisdom. I have the experience, not just the knowledge or concept, the actual experience to say, “you should probably Google search that before you do it.”

    But, more importantly, I have empathy when someone makes a mistake or wrongs me because of these and other experiences.

    If you’ve ever gotten upset and did anything irrational, then you can relate to the next guy who wrongs you. If you have ever wanted something and didn’t have the money and considered the thought to just take it, you can connect with a robber in jail or the next Billionaire who is arrested for corrupt practices.

    From where I stand, forgiveness should be as common in life as our own experience has taught us. No, I have never been high on meth, up for seven days, and then thought I could build a time machine. However, I have had times where I was up all night and the next day thought that I could sleep at work with just one-eye closed and then switch eyes to sneak in some naps. Neither of our choices make logical sense, if not scientific impossibilities, so why should I, rationally speaking of course, judge someone else, or dissaociate from them because of something they did that I can relate to.

    To judge is to distance yourself from associating with someone else. When you let your judgement down and sit with the fact that you can relate, if you choose to, then you can find forgiveness. Don’t forgive someone to be the better person, the bigger man, the humble one. Forgive someone because you know that you are forgiven for your wrongs, and that is what we can do for others, if we choose to.

  • You Think You Are Good?

    You Think You Are Good?

    How do you know when it’s appropriate to be understanding of someone’s bad behaviors? When is it necessary to take a stand against it?

    How much are we supposed to give when it comes to catering to someone else worst behaviors? For example, if someone has unhealthy boundaries, and they are always in your business, how much do you endure? At what point do you reinforce boundaries? If someone is an overly critical person, how much should you listen? When is it time to share with them how it affects you?

    I often hear in couple’s therapy sessions about how the couple believes they bond by justifying their partner’s behaviors. “You have to give,” is the common phrase. In reality, when we live according to the limits of someone’s traumas, triggers, or their inability to regulate emotions, we aren’t growing, we are becoming stunted. Out of this, “over-empathizing” and being passive, resentment forms.

    • You cannot indulge an unhealthy behavior in someone else enough to get rid of it.
    • You cannot justify an angry spouse by saying “well, their mom was mean to them.” This is not enough to finally get them to be kinder.
    • You cannot justify an abusive friend by saying “well, they didn’t really mean it.” This is not enough to get them to work on themselves.

    Sure, grace is one of the most important elements of any relationship. Giving is required from time to time. And if you are willing to give, then let it go, don’t hold it against the person. However, if you are continuously treated poorly, at some point the relationship goes to unhealthy very quickly.

    Relationships serve a purpose. It involves growing together with someone. It doesn’t mean you just understand them. It means you participate in growing with them. Love is a verb, it requires action. They should also be growing with you.

    A question you can ask yourself in a relationship, marriage, friendship even, “do I care for this person’s good?” If the honest answer is that you just want them to make you happy, then you may be at fault too. Their actions are not the only cause. You have to want for the other person’s good, and then be that good for them in their life.

    Being Good?

    As a therapist, I don’t change anybody’s lives that don’t want to truly change themselves. I don’t help people. I don’t fix or alter anything more than a gas station attendant that smiles when a customer comes in. As humans, we all reinforce and reject behaviors of those around us. It’s our job in a community to be honest. We should give to others what is for their good. Share with them what we notice. This can at least start their process of acceptance. If no one ever tells you a jerk, then the first person that does so will be rejected. But if the last 10 people would have said something, then that 11th could have turned to tide.

    We cannot be the “good” people that fix others or have all the advice. However, we can be good for others by listening and practicing honesty. Out of love, we give what we believe to be good for the person when we see a need.

    I’m not saying any of us will get this right, or that we should expect our relationships to magically improve. We shouldn’t be outcome independent. We should be good for others, just to be good for others.

    You know who was the absolute best for others, even when He told them things they didn’t want to hear? Jesus Christ. He was fully man and fully God. He was the smartest man who ever walked the earth. He literally changed the course of history with his life. Then, he changed the course of eternity with his death and resurrection. Jesus was the absolute best for everyone who had the opportunity to meet him.

    Being “good” is not the natural tendency of humans. We are selfish. We learn to be good. Many people aren’t taught “good” as being beneficial in their life. So, if we assume “good” to be natural and ingrained in all of us, we should consider the context of human behavior. We should remember how our environment shapes us.

    God made us in His image. We have fallen from this ideal dependence on God. Now, we attempt to live as our own Gods.

    Living a life of love requires faith. We must trust that what we are doing is for the good of someone else. It is not always understood by us. Also, we should never expect a reward for doing as we ought to do.