Tag: writing

  • The Chalk Line

    The Chalk Line

    Elliot, a tall, slender man wearing a large untucked shirt splattered with various mediums of materials sat hunched over his canvas. In his shirt pocket, the box of cigarettes rests on the chest going in and out, deep breaths. His fingers smudged with oil paints digs into the pack, fumbling in the box spreading a dark oil over the bright white filters ends.

    His art never seemed to land quite right.

    The air in his studio was thick with turpentine and frustration.

    Dozens of unfinished paintings leaned against the walls, each abandoned just shy of completion, their potential strangled by his relentless pursuit of perfection. He had spent weeks, months—sometimes even years—on a single piece, only to despise it in the end. Like his cigarettes, the weight of expectation pressed against his chest, also like the smokes, a suffocating reminder that his art no longer felt like creation but a battleground between ambition and failure.

    One afternoon, weary from the endless cycle of doubt and revision, Elliot stepped outside for air. The city bustled around him, indifferent to his turmoil. His feet moved without direction until he found himself at the park, where laughter and life carried through the crisp autumn air. There, just off the pathway, a child crouched, a piece of chalk clenched in his tiny fist, his face scrunched in concentration.

    Elliot watched as the boy’s hand glided across the pavement, sweeping blues and yellows into the gray stone with an ease that seemed almost careless. A streak of orange, a swirl of pink—no hesitation, no erasures, just movement. The boy paused, squinting at his creation. For a moment, Elliot thought he recognized that familiar doubt, that paralysis of knowing something could be better. But then, just as quickly, the boy dropped the chalk and sprang to his feet.

    Without a second glance at his work, he bolted across the park, following the unmistakable chime of an ice cream truck. Elliot stood there, stunned. He waited, half-expecting the boy to return, to kneel back down and tweak a line or blend a color more carefully. Minutes passed. The chalk rested where it had fallen, abandoned like the artwork itself.

    Curiosity got the best of him. He turned his gaze from the unfinished drawing and scanned the park, spotting the child sitting cross-legged on a bench, an ice cream cone clutched in his sticky fingers, laughing with a group of friends. Elliot hesitated for only a moment before approaching.

    Kneeling, he extended the chalk towards the boy. “Do you want to finish your drawing?”

    The child barely glanced up, licking a drip of melting vanilla from his hand. “It’s done.”

    Elliot blinked. He turned his head slightly, looking back at the pavement where the colors sprawled in wild, unapologetic shapes. He had expected an explanation—some reason, some justification. Instead, there was only certainty.

    It’s done.

    Those two words landed heavier than all the years of critiques, rejections, and self-imposed expectations. He had spent his whole life trying to make something perfect, something worth admiring, yet here was a child who created simply for the joy of it. And then, when the joy was over, he let it go.

    For the first time in years, Elliot felt something shift inside him. A loosening. A breath of relief.

    A week later, he started working part-time at a coffee shop. Not because he wanted to quit art, but because he wanted to make art without forcing it to pay his rent. He wanted to create without the suffocating fear of failure. And so he did. Some paintings he finished in a day. Others he never finished at all. And for the first time in his life, he was okay with that.

    Because sometimes, you don’t need to perfect something to make it worth creating. Sometimes, it’s done when you decide it is.

  • The Subtle Art of Caring

    The Subtle Art of Caring

    I am fortunate to get to hear stories everyday. Sometimes I wonder how many people wonder if I still care or not?

    I would hope that my presentation is one that demonstrates care, but what if there’s something I am unaware of that comes across as uninterested in the other person?

    But yet, to try to seem like we care isn’t really caring. To actually care requires us to no longer try to depict caring, but to feel what the other person feels.

    But then, how do we find the space for care and compassion for other people around us when we may be struggling ourselves?

    I find that it’s not about our initial thoughts that determine if we care or not, but to care is more about noticing our habitual first thoughts and choosing to act based on what matters the most.

    As humans we are designed to be together in community. I would gamble on the idea that if you dig deep enough, you do care about community. Even if you focus on yourself to be praised by that community. A reason why self-established god status is because you believe it is good for people to praise you, just like you might think it’s good to praise yourself. No god is going to think it’s not good for the people to praise them.

    As a general rule, we desire good for one another. So, although short-sided and misguided, self-promotion can be an attempt to do good.

    But how can we care about people in the right way,?

    1. We were given two ears to hear and one mouth to speak. Yes, all you philosophers out there, people loooooove to get advice, but often listening can show you care so much more.
    2. You can improve your ability to acknowledge the thoughts and then checking the thoughts against what matters to you and then choosing what action aligns with who you want to be.
    3. You want to be good, then do good.

    Good then comes down to thinking if you were that person, what would you want/need in this situation. If you like to talk like I do, then I love it when I get someone to listen to me. I love it when even though the person might not fully get what I am talking about, they can see my passion and because they want me to feel cared for, they care about hearing me talk about my passion.

    These people I like to talk with, nod, acknowledge my ideas, ask questions, even propose an alternative perspective. The best people first try to see what I am saying before they impose their ideas.

    So, thinking about the people I have enjoyed talking to, I work to mimic these people. Because of my own selfish nature, I need models to show me what a listener does to show they care. And no, it’s not being fake to do this, but it’s to live as the person I want to be.

    Now, smiling and nodding along is great, but there is so much more to caring. And this is important:

    Within a healthy relationship, I also like when I am challenged. When questioned with intent to help me see something differently I am grateful for it. I mean, I am initially defensive in my head, but with time and practice I can see how feedback is exactly what I need. So, I also use the relationship and understanding I believe I have with people to share the same challenges or alternative perspective to them. All of this is under the umbrella of caring for people’s good and wellbeing.

    Although the long-term goals of other people may be different than what we want for them, in the short time together we can demonstrate care and compassion by listening. We can improve at removing the expectation that we have to fix or answer everyone.

    Remember, when caring for others, it’s not about you.

    From where I stand, if someone comes to you with a problem, it’s good to listen. After the conversation you might find that the initial “problem” they had wasn’t really the problem. People have a desire to be heard. So, if we do to others as we would like to have done to us, we don’t give advice, correct, or even reprimand (although there is a time and place for all of these things), listen first. Then, through caring and empathetic ears we can ask ourselves what sort of conversations do we like to have and who do we think of when we imagine absolute kindness and caring at it’s best within a conversation.

  • Crushing the spirits of little kids (one bumper car at a time).

    Crushing the spirits of little kids (one bumper car at a time).

    There I was…

    Sitting in a bumper car amid youthful eyes, pigtails, and hopeful expressions. The ride was for all sizes 42” and above. My 77” self barely fit in the cart. Around me were those barely crossing the line from restricted red to admission blue.

    As innocence was radiating from the children behind the wheel, maybe for the first time ever in that position, I looked at them and then their observing parents. One father’s eyes met mine. His protection sensors went up.

    Fathers can feel this sort of thing.

    He looked at me. Looked at the other small children. I looked at his wrist. No wristband. He couldn’t get in. Decided to save some money and not spring for the $50 ticket to ride with his kids. I get that.

    I sprung for it. Now in a moment I had a choice to make. Do I smash full force with my 265 pounds of momentum gaining energy behind every inch of rubber track, jolting the kids into puberty? Or do I settle, drive around and seek out only my own seed to smash from the side?

    The little buzzer went off.

    I glimpsed at the sign “no headfirst bumping.” I thought about this rule for a second.

    I saw a kid, he was headed my way. I evaded him.

    With the 360 degree turn radius I spun around and headed in the opposite direction.

    I was rear ended. I went ahead, saw two girls, sisters I assume. Rolling around laughing at the fact they keep getting stuck. I decide to head in their direction, to lightly bump them loose.

    They turn into me.

    SMASH!

    Headfirst and it looked like I was seeking them out. I quickly spin the wheel, to back out, leave them be in the wake of their trauma.

    I await the screams from an irritated parent.

    I turn around.

    SMASH

    The child looks at me after the recoil of the abrupt stop of his cart. His head pulls up. The brief life he’s lived shows like a movie projected across his eyes.

    I back up again and break free from the multi-cart pileup. Free now to steer clear of anymore lives I don’t want to destroy.

    The gravitas of the situation enhanced by adult eyes, my peers with children younger than mine, make me want to park my cart and throw my hands up.

    SMASH

    This same boy as before, a kid with a mullet peering at me like I’m his elementary school bully. I smile a bit at him and he grits his teeth and drives forward at me again.

    Bump this time, but pushes me into the wall.

    “Ha. Alright, got me.” I say lightly.

    He bumps me again. Then he follows me, chasing me like a sugar-crazed kid who didn’t take his morning medications.

    I glance at the parents…no one seems to be watching him. I pull forward a bit, spinning the wheel to come at him with the little distance I have.

    “You little brat” I think to myself, feeling the surge of energy through my hands and electrifying my left leg to slam down the little red button to charge the car forward.

    “You think it’s funny you little….”

    BUZZ! “Alright riders, please wait till your cart comes to a complete stop before exiting the vehicle.”

    The overhead voice finishes and pan out to see my cart and the boys a few inches from the fronts of the carts meeting.

    I come back to reality. The fog lifts. I am me again, a father, a loving…um at least understanding follower of Christ.

    I….I sort of blanked on my identities and went to this realm of emotions.

    I relied on my body to tell me what to do, rather than what I know to do. I felt annoyed and competitively wanted to smash this annoying bug of a boy into bumper cart oblivion.

    Who was that guy? Where did he come from?

    “I’ve been here the whole time.” My mind says to me.

    Welp, guess I have some work left to do, and that doesn’t mean honing in on my bumper cart skills. But to humble my self that I might not be as good as I think I am.

    To choose the light, you’ve got to know the darkness inside of you.

  • It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    “You are pissing me off.”Jeremy says as he abruptly turns around.

    “I don’t think you even care about me.” Betty starts to sob.

    Jeremy, now feeling the sting of Betty’s once-again sobbing decides not to give in this time.

    “You are so hard to talk to, you never get it.”

    Betty looks up with crocodile tears in her eyes, one trickle’s down her face as though a cinematic conclusion is about to take place.

    “You’re an A**hole.”

    Breakdown

    Here we go again, another disagreement between Betty and Jeremy. These two are always going at it.

    It seems as though something was going on here that set off Betty and according to her final conclusion, Jeremy must just be being an A-hole again.

    But then again, Jeremy says some pretty significant things too. Betty is actually “pissing him off.” That doesn’t feel good. Oh, and then to talk and not have your partner “get it.” Darn, sorry Jeremy.

    Boy, what a conundrum here. What a pickle. I guess both have to work on why one is an A-hole and the other needs to listen and “get it” better.

    Actually…

    What was said here does not represent what is actually going on. You see, Jeremy here stated that he is “pissed” and he places the blame on to Betty, with the “You are” portion of the comment. Interesting really, how does one actually “piss off” anyone, but isn’t it our own choosing to engage that emotion, to express that frustration because “you” did it? Is Jeremy’s “pissed-ness” actually all of Betty’s fault, or does Jeremy have some work to do to identify a few things?

    1. What does it mean to be “pissed off?” What does that expressional term feel like.
    2. What exactly did Jeremy notice Betty do that led to this feeling and is it a justified response from him or is he sensitive to certain things?
    3. When having a feeling and attributing blame to someone else, what can Jeremy do within when he feels this sort of way to better cope with the feeling he defines as “pissed off?”
    4. Also, what does Jeremy want with the chosen response of saying to Betty, “You are pissing me off?” What is the objective here? Don’t focus on what is said, but why, in this moment, did Jeremy saying these things.

    Look, these two have a difficult time communicating. And you can see why both Jeremy and Betty have a good amount of work to do at identifying what they want out of a conversation and how to better represent that want. Also, deeper within, the triggered response inside of each one, that they so quickly attribute to the other removes their part in things, which is an unhealthy road to go down. When you become a victim, everyone becomes your persecutor and lose control.

    Familiar Pain

    Patterns and habits are familiar to our brain and therefore the mind wants to stay in their already-established grooves. It is easier to stay in the familiar pain than it is to have to pull out of those grooves to do something different. Jeremy is pissed, clearly, but it isn’t all Betty that is the cause. Betty’s words, actions, early contexts with Jeremy all come to a head inside of Jeremy’s mind and he reacts with what appears to be trying to hurt Betty.

    Yes, sometimes, as much as we all want to deny it, our actions are intended to hurt the other person, which is why we use such harsh and seemingly ineffective words. I say “seemingly ineffective” because we think we want to articulate something towards a conclusion (making Jeremy’s words ineffective), but in reality we are hurt, and then we want to hurt the other person. Therefore, in one way, our hurtful words are very effective towards hurting someone The problem is that we think ourselves to be good people and believe the words were ineffective towards a healthy conversation. Jeremy didn’t want resolve, he wanted to hurt. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. We all choose to hurt people each day when we ignore contest and fail to apply what we know rationally to triggered emotions.

    Jeremy’s opening line is a result of a context within a situation with his partner which is from HIS own self to then determine to hurt Betty. The worst part, as is seen by not wanting to admit we go around hurting people, we aren’t even consciously aware we are hurting each other with our words. Our mind literally lies to us to protect us, justifying what we said, not with intent to hurt, but because we felt justified to say something.

    More to the story here and many hours could be written about these lines alone. Not to mention getting into each person’s past of themselves and the ups and downs of the relationship it’s self.

    However, from where I stand on this one, the only thing Jeremy and Betty can do is control and work on the deep reactionary pains from within themselves. These can be commonly referred to as “triggers.”

    So, it’s not you, it’s me. Isn’t all that wrong here. It’s actually a pretty accurate statement. It is MY reaction to your action (and underlying preconceived hurts, pains, etc.) that caused me to say hurtful and unproductive things.

    So, be more mindful Jeremy and Betty and don’t be so quick to respond. Sit in the emotion of the response. Allow your mind and body to experience the hurt of what is said to you. If you say something that hurt them, you are better to reflect and sit in that as well. Improvement in communication isn’t just saying words, it is doing work within each person’s self to be honest and articulate what you actually want to say and for what purpose.

    Or…you can just continue to argue in the familiar way until eventually you are so bitter you lose all hope of any improvement.

    You can’t control or alter your partner’s mindset with words. Changed actions reveal what you truly believe.

  • Just a Thought.

    Just a Thought.

    Walking into the gym at 4:30 PM.
    Horrible.
    There’s no one person or reason for this horribleness, it’s just an accumulative jumble of overwhelming stimuli.

    The guy on the treadmill wearing a weighted vest, why does that annoy me?

    The girl with the tripod videoing herself doing squats. Is she really going to rest her equipment on the free bench next to her?

    The group of 3-4 high school/college boys eating scoops of pre-workout. Low key bros, please don’t spill that stuff on the floor.


    The old guy hogging the leg extension machine, sitting with his towel around his neck, staring off into space. Look, I am not saying he’s got all the time in the world, but he’s putting up a strong argument for it.


    The “rapper” who is reciting the lyrics to his favorite song.

    “You a clone, you a Meseek
    You a house N………., I’m a Roadrunner, meep-meep
    Think I work at Best Buy with the squad how I be geeked”

    Also, he’s white.


    These people shouldn’t even be allowed in my head, but I see them, feel them, (smell them) and all of them together just stresses me out.
    Do I want to walk with a weighted vest on? No.
    Do I want to film myself lifting? No.
    Do I want the leg-extension machine? Yeah, but I can work around it.

    Kids, group-lifts, and eating supps.- I literally sold supplements for years.
    Rapper guy? I’ll just leave him alone, society will take care of him.
    So, why do I care?

    Ego.

    OK, short answer. But it’s true.

    But why does my ego need to judge others?

    Because I am deeply insecure.

    OK, so then, why can’t I just be better and stop the judgement?

    Because the judgement is intended to get my attention, to categorize and then distance or draw close to traits I find more or less favorable.

    But, why am I drawn to some people and avoid others?

    Values, genetical influence, upbringing and modeled behaviors, among a few things.

    But in reality, the why the judgement/thoughts exist isn’t important. In the current moment, I am experiencing and noticing thoughts. Simple as that.

    If I didn’t know any better, I would believe that these thoughts were me and I would let them hijack me. I mean, they came from my head, so they must be true, right?

    Nah. Thoughts are just thoughts. You can recognize them and let them pass. You don’t have to do anything with the thoughts other than stop yourself from trying to fix, alter, or argue them. Let them exist.

    If you have a friend who gives bad advice, but he’s consistently trying to help you out with his short-sided view, is it better to argue him, or let him share and you decide not to take the advice?

    You can choose to indulge thoughts if you want. And the thoughts you have in life will always be very compelling. Why? Because your mind is trying to get you to act in some way, and it uses thoughts to influence you to do so.

    What if I mean-mugged the guy on the treadmill, just to let him know I didn’t approve. What if I chose to tell him how stupid he looks. What if I thought about him long after I left the gym and then decided the entire gym is stupid and people are stupid. Is that really better than just letting the thought exist when I first see him and continuing to redirect my attention to the task at hand?

    From where I stand, it takes less energy to let go of something, than to hold on to it.

    Thoughts aren’t what define you, your actions are. You can think one thing and act another. So, the person you are is determined by your actions and these are under your control.