From Where I Stand

Tag: stress

  • It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    It’s Not You…It’s Me (But still some of you)

    “You are pissing me off.”Jeremy says as he abruptly turns around.

    “I don’t think you even care about me.” Betty starts to sob.

    Jeremy, now feeling the sting of Betty’s once-again sobbing decides not to give in this time.

    “You are so hard to talk to, you never get it.”

    Betty looks up with crocodile tears in her eyes, one trickle’s down her face as though a cinematic conclusion is about to take place.

    “You’re an A**hole.”

    Breakdown

    Here we go again, another disagreement between Betty and Jeremy. These two are always going at it.

    It seems as though something was going on here that set off Betty and according to her final conclusion, Jeremy must just be being an A-hole again.

    But then again, Jeremy says some pretty significant things too. Betty is actually “pissing him off.” That doesn’t feel good. Oh, and then to talk and not have your partner “get it.” Darn, sorry Jeremy.

    Boy, what a conundrum here. What a pickle. I guess both have to work on why one is an A-hole and the other needs to listen and “get it” better.

    Actually…

    What was said here does not represent what is actually going on. You see, Jeremy here stated that he is “pissed” and he places the blame on to Betty, with the “You are” portion of the comment. Interesting really, how does one actually “piss off” anyone, but isn’t it our own choosing to engage that emotion, to express that frustration because “you” did it? Is Jeremy’s “pissed-ness” actually all of Betty’s fault, or does Jeremy have some work to do to identify a few things?

    1. What does it mean to be “pissed off?” What does that expressional term feel like.
    2. What exactly did Jeremy notice Betty do that led to this feeling and is it a justified response from him or is he sensitive to certain things?
    3. When having a feeling and attributing blame to someone else, what can Jeremy do within when he feels this sort of way to better cope with the feeling he defines as “pissed off?”
    4. Also, what does Jeremy want with the chosen response of saying to Betty, “You are pissing me off?” What is the objective here? Don’t focus on what is said, but why, in this moment, did Jeremy saying these things.

    Look, these two have a difficult time communicating. And you can see why both Jeremy and Betty have a good amount of work to do at identifying what they want out of a conversation and how to better represent that want. Also, deeper within, the triggered response inside of each one, that they so quickly attribute to the other removes their part in things, which is an unhealthy road to go down. When you become a victim, everyone becomes your persecutor and lose control.

    Familiar Pain

    Patterns and habits are familiar to our brain and therefore the mind wants to stay in their already-established grooves. It is easier to stay in the familiar pain than it is to have to pull out of those grooves to do something different. Jeremy is pissed, clearly, but it isn’t all Betty that is the cause. Betty’s words, actions, early contexts with Jeremy all come to a head inside of Jeremy’s mind and he reacts with what appears to be trying to hurt Betty.

    Yes, sometimes, as much as we all want to deny it, our actions are intended to hurt the other person, which is why we use such harsh and seemingly ineffective words. I say “seemingly ineffective” because we think we want to articulate something towards a conclusion (making Jeremy’s words ineffective), but in reality we are hurt, and then we want to hurt the other person. Therefore, in one way, our hurtful words are very effective towards hurting someone The problem is that we think ourselves to be good people and believe the words were ineffective towards a healthy conversation. Jeremy didn’t want resolve, he wanted to hurt. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. We all choose to hurt people each day when we ignore contest and fail to apply what we know rationally to triggered emotions.

    Jeremy’s opening line is a result of a context within a situation with his partner which is from HIS own self to then determine to hurt Betty. The worst part, as is seen by not wanting to admit we go around hurting people, we aren’t even consciously aware we are hurting each other with our words. Our mind literally lies to us to protect us, justifying what we said, not with intent to hurt, but because we felt justified to say something.

    More to the story here and many hours could be written about these lines alone. Not to mention getting into each person’s past of themselves and the ups and downs of the relationship it’s self.

    However, from where I stand on this one, the only thing Jeremy and Betty can do is control and work on the deep reactionary pains from within themselves. These can be commonly referred to as “triggers.”

    So, it’s not you, it’s me. Isn’t all that wrong here. It’s actually a pretty accurate statement. It is MY reaction to your action (and underlying preconceived hurts, pains, etc.) that caused me to say hurtful and unproductive things.

    So, be more mindful Jeremy and Betty and don’t be so quick to respond. Sit in the emotion of the response. Allow your mind and body to experience the hurt of what is said to you. If you say something that hurt them, you are better to reflect and sit in that as well. Improvement in communication isn’t just saying words, it is doing work within each person’s self to be honest and articulate what you actually want to say and for what purpose.

    Or…you can just continue to argue in the familiar way until eventually you are so bitter you lose all hope of any improvement.

    You can’t control or alter your partner’s mindset with words. Changed actions reveal what you truly believe.

  • Enough Rope?

    Give someone enough space to let them fail

    or crumble

    or self-destruct

    or….figure themselves out.

    “Let em cook”- Me (I say that)

    If you struggle with confidence, then listen up. Confidence is not found in “doing better” but found in acceptance.

    Take a nervous mom. Now, nervous mom can’t watch child fail. Nervous mom runs in and helps. Nervous mom is nervous and so she doesn’t have the time or patience to hold their child accountable or encourage them to ask for things. Nervous mom just does things for the child because “it’s easier for her to do it herself.”

    In short, nervous mom fails to provide what the child needs, which is the space for the child to figure themselves out. See, nervous mom has nervous thoughts and these thoughts overwhelm her. Nervous thoughts fuel nervousness.

    So, to all the nervous moms, dads, future parents, children of nervous parents, we can combat this with….

    Self-acceptance.

    Even stepping outside of the strictly psychological and into the deeper foundations of what it means to be a thinking human, is to notice our souls encompass our bodies. Our bodies are organs and flesh, upheld and driven by a soul. To a nervous person, the soul can hardened over time and thus reliance on the body’s sensations takes over.

    See, the flesh is weak, the soul and spirit are strong. The flesh tears, the organs fail, the brain contains ego that is scared of people and the challenges they propose to the sense of self the ego has formed. But the Soul, that is something else, something that sees the world through a God-dependent and therefore most full perspective.

    Even if you don’t believe in God, but you struggle with confidence, you still benefit from pretending to believe. Yes, even acting as an all-sovereign being made you and everything around you puts things in a proper perspective. Get out of your own head for a while and choose to view yourself through a different lens.

    Christians (those who claim to know God as God and therefore Christ as salvation for our eternal souls and ideal model of life) we should not be nervous.

    Unless…

    we don’t really believe what we say….

    we want to stay in charge and rely on the failing body to choose for us by way of “feelings.”

    we are warped in our thinking, thus say we have faith but act on reliance of other thing more.

    No matter who you are, it is confidence in the whole self that has to occur for you to be you. Then you can go into any situation unworried because you have this core that will not be shaken. For non-believers, you can hold to a core sense of values to stay consistent in any situation. For Christians, your soul is dependent not on the body, but God and His Promises.

    Remember: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Those sorts of promises.

    Back to the space: Nervousness/anxiety/insecurity/lack of self confidence etc. do not allow room for someone, even yourself, to “figure it out.” You need the faith that what will be, will be. Who you are is who you are. If you don’t like who you are, that’s furthest from self acceptance. You need to understand that you can’t hate yourself or deny parts of yourself and progress into a peaceful and successful life.

    So, parents, give the kid space to fail and figure some things out. Adults and children otherwise, give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and experience what it’s like to cope with that feeling.

    Once you know that you CAN tolerate feelings and emotions that otherwise trouble you or cause you to overreact, you also know you don’t have to control or stop others from learning that they too can tolerate and even get more creative in their problem solving.

    So, in conclusion and from where I stand, it is better to be given space to fail and then learn from or about that failure than it is to indulge the nervousness and what it tells you to do to be “Safe.”

  • Scared to let it go?

    Scared to let it go?

    Familiar pain is still familiar.

    When you get to a point of pain, let’s say being overwhelmed, how’d you get here?

    Often it’s a series of decisions influenced by perspectives, life events, beliefs about oneself, and a number of other contexts leading to the same result repeatedly.

    When stress is experienced, or rather you feel what you identify as stress as a result of some external stimuli, what do you do with it?

    Nobody wants to admit this but you might be choosing to hold on to stress.

    Truthfully, do you find yourself coming up with excuses as to why the stress needs to be there, why you just CAN’T let it go?

    Story Time:

    Alright, so there I was, another overbooked day of people to see. I get a message about a referral for a new person. My immediate thought says that I should take the referral. I pause a bit, thinking about my schedule and realizing I have no slots left.

    I say, “yes” to the referral under the justification that I will figure it out later.

    I get stressed about scheduling this person immediately. I put off the decision, “I will reach out later to schedule.” I waited. The next day, I needed to call this person. I am thinking to myself about what to say, fearing that what they want I can’t offer.

    “Luke, why did you do this to yourself?”I say to myself.

    I start to spiral and think of every decision I make and how I am such a loser for not being able to be better.

    I regurgetate this feeling throughout the day and feed on it. I lose sleep over it. I go to the gym and feel guilt for being so selfish, for not being better.

    I don’t want to tell my wife because I know she’s going to say that she told me so, to not take on so many people.

    I fester on this for days.

    I call the person, finally, and they admit that they weren’t looking for anyone as a therapist, but someone had suggested it; however, they didn’t have it in their schedule just yet.

    The call ended. Crisis averted, right?

    No, I then say “why didn’t she want to see me, am I not good enough?”

    I start to think about how poor of a therapist I am and how I should never see another human being again. I fester on this for a few more hours. It turns into a slight lull. I tell myself that I have to carry on with life functions because I have guilt over that too.

    Stress was my fuel here. I felt stress and held on to it, unable to give it up. I justified why this stress existed and I justified why I couldn’t let it go. I took on something that caused the stress in the first place, which I have done repeatedly.

    Why can’t I just accept that I overthink and try to overplease people, that I struggle with insecurity and therefore revert into self-defeated thinking and just let it be? Why do I have to pressure myself into trying to be better, as though I am capable of doing so? Why don’t I just let the thoughts go, let the stress pass, while I hold on to my values and be the person I want to be? Not the ideal me, or alternative me, but actual me, me with anxiety. What stops me from accepting this person, love this person, be kind to this person?

    When I make a mistake and revert to over busying myself, again, instead of getting high on my own stressful spiral of thoughts and then the thoughts of judgement towards myself, I can say, “yeah, I do that sometimes.” It is here, acceptance, that I can then work to live according towards what I care about, the wellbeing of someone else.

    From this place of acceptance, I can set boundaries and end up being honest and assertive and saying “no.” As we all should sometimes. Being honest is simply living in reality. I could have said “no” the first offering, or called and said that I have no availability, a number of things. But to do that, I need to sit with my first thoughts (people pleasing and stress addiction)and let the emotion pass (let it go) to then make a rational decision.

    So, I needed to check my addiction to stress and ask myself if I really am willing to let go of the stress.

    From where I stand, “letting go” is really not as simple as we all thought. In reality, many of us want to hold on and feel that stress. We might be habituated to stress, addicted to it. Stress becomes baseline, a reason to complain, a distraction, justifies victimhood, a number of reasons stress exists and is scary to let go of.

    Be honest with yourself and work at identifying if you truly want to let go of the pain and be free from it. Maybe you are choosing to hold on to stress to justify being a miserable person.

    Yes, people do that.

  • Too Much Choice.

    Too Much Choice.

    I hate sales.

    I hate that I like sales.

    I hate that sales influence me to purchase something I wouldn’t have before, when it was full price.

    I guess it’s that I have some fulfillment in getting a good deal. It’s like I “got one over” on society or the business or something.

    I think it’s probably an unhealthy trait to wait for a deal. Finding something cheaper and buying it even when I wasn’t looking might not be a good habit.

    Dang it, Nike.com with your deals on Air Max 90s.

    This is also what I assume many people struggle with. They are so afraid of tariffs because of this.

    Here’s what I know about tariffs in the current climate: Americans are going to spend more money. They will need to pay more to buy products made by or with parts from other countries.

    Here’s what I hear from people: Things are going to become so expensive. It will cost too much to afford certain things they need.

    First thought: I guess I won’t be buying as many extra things.

    Alphabet Soup

    Do you go on to Amazon trying to find a product you knew you wanted? You end up seeing 20+ different versions sold from 20 different companies. Some of the names range from XXYO to Chapowzie, from ZIMONA to XXXCHYX.

    Are these real companies or are they all the same companies under different names to corner a market?

    Recently I was looking for better lighting for my online meetings. Now, I know the safest bet is to go to a store. You can see what they have and purchase it outright. Unfortunately, my expectant price point for this lighting system was skewed once I saw online some of the prices that the alphabet soup companies had. According to NEEWER the price of a selfie light was $24.99, but tech giant Logitech sells the same thing for $49.99. And If I really wanted a deal, XINBAOHONG sells the same light for $15.99.

    All the lights claim to do the same thing. They provide an appropriate amount of soft or camera-ready light to make me look stunning online. But the Logitech one is over double the price of the cheapest one.

    I have bit the bullet numerous times. I have many Logitech products that work really well. I know what I am getting. I also see the price compared to what the internet showed me what could have been and I am less satisfied and believe I got duped.

    “Why did you have to be so fancy Luke, just get the cheaper one Luke.”

    A Few Years Ago vs. Today

    Now my guilt sets in and I feel like I did as a child when I was embarrassed that we had store brand foods when the other kids had brands like Kraft and Helmans. I had “processed cheese product” and Wal-Mart’s home brand “Mayo.”

    But I am not a kid anymore and I want to…well…. I want to save money honestly.

    So, are more options better? Is the cheapest and thus money-saving option the best? It used to be pretty clear cut. Before the internet, you had a few options. You chose the old Bed Bath and Beyond method between “Good,” “Better,” and “Best.” Now if I apply my father’s logic that “It’s all the same,” I end up with a product that comes in a box with Chinese instructions. It doesn’t work longer than a week.

    If I didn’t know any better and could only go to the store and only knew this price for a computer light, I would be paying what was asked. Now, I know that I am paying more, when it was always just the price of the product.

    Once again Internet, you have ruined us.

    America has a plague that is overlooked. I see it in the face of my daughter whenever she’s given a choice from a large selection. She becomes paralyzed. Even if it’s the Friday night movie snack, the more options, the more stress to get it just right. When she only has the one freezer-burned ice cream sandwich to choose, she grabs it and starts eating and isn’t the wiser.

    Which leads me to my point. From where I stand, if prices continue to rise, tough choices will need to be made. Should we really see this as a problem? Alternatively, can we see some of the benefit in the idea that less is more?

    I’m not supporting all the reasons of the current President’s choices on why Tariffs are necessary, but I will say that it may take some stress out of life by my unwillingness to pay a certain price for something I don’t absolutely need (I.E. another pair of glasses, a NEW work light, that certain sweater that is somehow less than $30 on Amazon). So, unless I need another computer light to be able to work, I can hold on to my old one. I still have the past three.

    In essence, if I don’t need it, I shouldn’t be tempted to buy it. This applies even if there is a deal. It also applies if yAyusi sells it for a fraction of the cost.

    Life is all about perspective. If you choose to be upset and it ruins your day, then go for it. If you see an alternative to the negative we hear each day, you might find peace. This can happen even in the midst of a storm.