“You are pissing me off.”Jeremy says as he abruptly turns around.
“I don’t think you even care about me.” Betty starts to sob.
Jeremy, now feeling the sting of Betty’s once-again sobbing decides not to give in this time.
“You are so hard to talk to, you never get it.”
Betty looks up with crocodile tears in her eyes, one trickle’s down her face as though a cinematic conclusion is about to take place.
“You’re an A**hole.”
Breakdown
Here we go again, another disagreement between Betty and Jeremy. These two are always going at it.
It seems as though something was going on here that set off Betty and according to her final conclusion, Jeremy must just be being an A-hole again.
But then again, Jeremy says some pretty significant things too. Betty is actually “pissing him off.” That doesn’t feel good. Oh, and then to talk and not have your partner “get it.” Darn, sorry Jeremy.
Boy, what a conundrum here. What a pickle. I guess both have to work on why one is an A-hole and the other needs to listen and “get it” better.
Actually…
What was said here does not represent what is actually going on. You see, Jeremy here stated that he is “pissed” and he places the blame on to Betty, with the “You are” portion of the comment. Interesting really, how does one actually “piss off” anyone, but isn’t it our own choosing to engage that emotion, to express that frustration because “you” did it? Is Jeremy’s “pissed-ness” actually all of Betty’s fault, or does Jeremy have some work to do to identify a few things?
- What does it mean to be “pissed off?” What does that expressional term feel like.
- What exactly did Jeremy notice Betty do that led to this feeling and is it a justified response from him or is he sensitive to certain things?
- When having a feeling and attributing blame to someone else, what can Jeremy do within when he feels this sort of way to better cope with the feeling he defines as “pissed off?”
- Also, what does Jeremy want with the chosen response of saying to Betty, “You are pissing me off?” What is the objective here? Don’t focus on what is said, but why, in this moment, did Jeremy saying these things.
Look, these two have a difficult time communicating. And you can see why both Jeremy and Betty have a good amount of work to do at identifying what they want out of a conversation and how to better represent that want. Also, deeper within, the triggered response inside of each one, that they so quickly attribute to the other removes their part in things, which is an unhealthy road to go down. When you become a victim, everyone becomes your persecutor and lose control.
Familiar Pain
Patterns and habits are familiar to our brain and therefore the mind wants to stay in their already-established grooves. It is easier to stay in the familiar pain than it is to have to pull out of those grooves to do something different. Jeremy is pissed, clearly, but it isn’t all Betty that is the cause. Betty’s words, actions, early contexts with Jeremy all come to a head inside of Jeremy’s mind and he reacts with what appears to be trying to hurt Betty.
Yes, sometimes, as much as we all want to deny it, our actions are intended to hurt the other person, which is why we use such harsh and seemingly ineffective words. I say “seemingly ineffective” because we think we want to articulate something towards a conclusion (making Jeremy’s words ineffective), but in reality we are hurt, and then we want to hurt the other person. Therefore, in one way, our hurtful words are very effective towards hurting someone The problem is that we think ourselves to be good people and believe the words were ineffective towards a healthy conversation. Jeremy didn’t want resolve, he wanted to hurt. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. We all choose to hurt people each day when we ignore contest and fail to apply what we know rationally to triggered emotions.
Jeremy’s opening line is a result of a context within a situation with his partner which is from HIS own self to then determine to hurt Betty. The worst part, as is seen by not wanting to admit we go around hurting people, we aren’t even consciously aware we are hurting each other with our words. Our mind literally lies to us to protect us, justifying what we said, not with intent to hurt, but because we felt justified to say something.
More to the story here and many hours could be written about these lines alone. Not to mention getting into each person’s past of themselves and the ups and downs of the relationship it’s self.
However, from where I stand on this one, the only thing Jeremy and Betty can do is control and work on the deep reactionary pains from within themselves. These can be commonly referred to as “triggers.”
So, it’s not you, it’s me. Isn’t all that wrong here. It’s actually a pretty accurate statement. It is MY reaction to your action (and underlying preconceived hurts, pains, etc.) that caused me to say hurtful and unproductive things.
So, be more mindful Jeremy and Betty and don’t be so quick to respond. Sit in the emotion of the response. Allow your mind and body to experience the hurt of what is said to you. If you say something that hurt them, you are better to reflect and sit in that as well. Improvement in communication isn’t just saying words, it is doing work within each person’s self to be honest and articulate what you actually want to say and for what purpose.
Or…you can just continue to argue in the familiar way until eventually you are so bitter you lose all hope of any improvement.
You can’t control or alter your partner’s mindset with words. Changed actions reveal what you truly believe.
From Where I Stand 