From Where I Stand

Tag: parenting

  • Enough Rope?

    Give someone enough space to let them fail

    or crumble

    or self-destruct

    or….figure themselves out.

    “Let em cook”- Me (I say that)

    If you struggle with confidence, then listen up. Confidence is not found in “doing better” but found in acceptance.

    Take a nervous mom. Now, nervous mom can’t watch child fail. Nervous mom runs in and helps. Nervous mom is nervous and so she doesn’t have the time or patience to hold their child accountable or encourage them to ask for things. Nervous mom just does things for the child because “it’s easier for her to do it herself.”

    In short, nervous mom fails to provide what the child needs, which is the space for the child to figure themselves out. See, nervous mom has nervous thoughts and these thoughts overwhelm her. Nervous thoughts fuel nervousness.

    So, to all the nervous moms, dads, future parents, children of nervous parents, we can combat this with….

    Self-acceptance.

    Even stepping outside of the strictly psychological and into the deeper foundations of what it means to be a thinking human, is to notice our souls encompass our bodies. Our bodies are organs and flesh, upheld and driven by a soul. To a nervous person, the soul can hardened over time and thus reliance on the body’s sensations takes over.

    See, the flesh is weak, the soul and spirit are strong. The flesh tears, the organs fail, the brain contains ego that is scared of people and the challenges they propose to the sense of self the ego has formed. But the Soul, that is something else, something that sees the world through a God-dependent and therefore most full perspective.

    Even if you don’t believe in God, but you struggle with confidence, you still benefit from pretending to believe. Yes, even acting as an all-sovereign being made you and everything around you puts things in a proper perspective. Get out of your own head for a while and choose to view yourself through a different lens.

    Christians (those who claim to know God as God and therefore Christ as salvation for our eternal souls and ideal model of life) we should not be nervous.

    Unless…

    we don’t really believe what we say….

    we want to stay in charge and rely on the failing body to choose for us by way of “feelings.”

    we are warped in our thinking, thus say we have faith but act on reliance of other thing more.

    No matter who you are, it is confidence in the whole self that has to occur for you to be you. Then you can go into any situation unworried because you have this core that will not be shaken. For non-believers, you can hold to a core sense of values to stay consistent in any situation. For Christians, your soul is dependent not on the body, but God and His Promises.

    Remember: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Those sorts of promises.

    Back to the space: Nervousness/anxiety/insecurity/lack of self confidence etc. do not allow room for someone, even yourself, to “figure it out.” You need the faith that what will be, will be. Who you are is who you are. If you don’t like who you are, that’s furthest from self acceptance. You need to understand that you can’t hate yourself or deny parts of yourself and progress into a peaceful and successful life.

    So, parents, give the kid space to fail and figure some things out. Adults and children otherwise, give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and experience what it’s like to cope with that feeling.

    Once you know that you CAN tolerate feelings and emotions that otherwise trouble you or cause you to overreact, you also know you don’t have to control or stop others from learning that they too can tolerate and even get more creative in their problem solving.

    So, in conclusion and from where I stand, it is better to be given space to fail and then learn from or about that failure than it is to indulge the nervousness and what it tells you to do to be “Safe.”

  • From Where I Stand

    From Where I Stand

    I am not new to starting projects. In fact, I am really good at it.

    For example: I had this idea to start a website where people could go to find easy opportunities to volunteer. In a particularly righteous and zealous state of mind, I thought of a message board where people could post questions or request small tasks they needed help with. This was intended to give others the opportunity the volunteer and assist those people.

    I came up with a blueprint on how things would work, thought of the name, ran through various scenarios where the people were getting help. In a fit of excitement and blindness to the restraints of time and requirement of finances on my end to pull off, I told my loving and very patient wife.

    She wasn’t as excited. I can only imagine the scene as a wild-eyed man with another “good idea” thrust onto her at 7AM was in fact her husband, whom she was bound to.

    Turns out, starting a whole revolution of community volunteerism is quite a project and after obtaining the website, a legal question came up, I got nervous, and started writing a new book instead.

    I had this other idea that I was going to write a book about being a Christian. Not only was the book going to be written from my very limited pool of knowledge, and youthful vigor of a know-it-all, but I turned it into three books! Imagine an early 30-something up at 3AM with all sorts of “good ideas” telling you how to live sacrificing the ways of the world from the comfort of a recliner, on a MacBook, and a gym obsession, fueled by three hours of sleep. I still love the title, “Volition.” In retrospect, I knew nothing and the multi-thousands of words written (even getting to book three) were in fact hurtful for anyone new to the faith who would have read it.

    One line from the book said: “As a believer in the most-high God, what else really matters? I mean, really, what else could possibly be worth spending time on and what else is worth concerning yourself with.”

    After a few years, a little more experience, and achieving a degree in seminary, I discovered that God does care about what we do here and there are things that matter. I guess it’s why God made us embodied beings and allowed us to develop materials, because He cares, so we should to.

    I had an idea for a child’s spoon with a deeper basin to hold more milk. The idea was to convince parents that this would lead to more protein in each bite and less wasted milk. Just imagine how the extra milk per bite could add up. I was thinking of naming it “Protein Spoon” or “Pro-Spoon.” However, getting a patent would cost around $10K, and considering I went as far as trying to poke a hole to deepen the spoon only to throw it away after ten minutes, I most-likely would have lost interest during manufacturing.

    Now, I recognize that my viewpoint is limited, which is why I named this blog “From Where I Stand.” I’m a therapist with a background in theology, and people say I explain things well. I wanted to create a space where I could share my thoughts and perspectives for others to easily read.

    Also, I should mention here that my grammar use, occasional spelling issues, and otherwise odd sentences are just who I am. I write as awkward as I speak. But, (can you start a sentence with but?) if you hang on I think you could get something out of taking the time to read my perspective.

    So, I will turn my Grammarly app on, and give my thoughts the permission to run (mostly)free. If you have negative comments or criticisms, then I appreciate you taking those and putting them in the suggestions box right inside my kitchen trash can.

    Otherwise, I wanted to share something before I kick this off.

    Remember that when you feel like you are going crazy, instead of going with the narrative that it’s you, sometimes its good to look around and realize, “oh, of course I am feeling crazy, it’s craziness out here.” Remember that the more off-kilter you are, the more commercials and media can slip something by you, take advantage of you, and you’ll lose yourself on the next “solution.”

    And with that, I welcome you to join along and hopefully get something out of this.

    (P.S. I only paid for a year so if this thing becomes boring, I guess it’l be on to the next thing.)