From Where I Stand

Tag: jesus

  • Epiphany at 11:53 PM

    Epiphany at 11:53 PM

    It was probably my third extra spoonful of the creamy natural peanut butter at 11:53 PM that pushed me over the edge.

    I didn’t feel good at that point.

    Photo by Karola G on Pexels.com

    It may have been the packed caloric intake within a few brief moments of shoveling in spoonfuls of the creamy/grainy goodness combined with the last bit of Diet Pepsi that zoomed me past my comfort zone. It may have been the fan blowing on my feet thereafter causing me to be an uncomfortable temperature.

    Whatever it was, the conditions were ripe for, you guessed it, a late-night critical thinking session.

    This particular one wasn’t anything special, simply a theological debate in my head about sin, what it means to live, and what in my life needs to change that is holding me back from more.

    I don’t necessarily want “more” of any one thing, specifically. I want more space in my stomach for more peanut butter probably. I wanted smaller spoons that I count up when eating the heavenly legume mixture, sure.

    I know that it was here, chilly, uncomfortable, in bed where it hit me.

    “It’s not about me.”

    So, like any rational and uncomfortable person would do, I went to my office to write a blog post about it.

    This idea was more than just, “not about me” in the sense of doing good for others. But literally, at the deepest and purest place, my desire to do good isn’t about the version of myself that thinks it needs to not be about me. But from the view of God himself, the me he sees and knows, knows that for life to be full, for things to workout at the highest level, I need to give up the focus of my life being on my life and to seek Him.

    “Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”- John 12:25

    So, there it is. A verse I have heard a thousand times, now hitting my vulnerable and sleepy self like a ton of bricks. Like a release from my own body, like the Hulk being released from Bruce Banner’s body in the Avengers: End Game.

    For a brief second, I saw myself outside of myself and sat with the words of life. I saw my body lying there, thinking about myself, what I was going to do the next day, what sins I have committed the day before, what I need to do better on. I saw me thinking about me and felt pity for the guy I saw because of how off the mark he was here.

    Why would I get sad about losing my life if in fact, it has always been true that to find one’s best and only life is to give it up?

    I briefly thought of the commercials and movies I watched growing up. You know, during the good ol’ 90’s, which depicted a life best lived in scenes. One scene in particular was in the movie Father of the Bride.

    In the scene I recall from time to time (for no reason at all) has Steve Martin talking to his about-to-bed-wed daughter outside and I think it starts to snow. I think as a father that would be a really pivotal moment, one that I recall frozen in time. However, then I realized the movie was put out in….1991!

    1991! Are you serious?

    That means that in that scene, even if it was a real person, which is safe to assume some father at that time was going through it, and that here in 2025, that movie is 34 years old. That means, the already aged father of a 20-something getting married is now probably seeing his grandkids getting married and having children. (Also it means that Steve Martin does not age, he’s been an old man since he was born.)

    The scenes of my own life will soon be in the past and life will continue on, thus removing any significant moment I hold now to eventually be nothing because of my own passing and then my child’s passing, and her kids passing etc.

    We all age, move forward. Governments grow and fall. Things come and go. There is a season for this and a season for that. Nothing in this world lasts very long anymore, not to mention, lasts forever. Not even the most significant legacies. Warren Buffet’s empire will be gone in a blink of an eye meanwhile there is some sea turtle out there who saw it all come and go.

    So then, what stops me from falling into the abyss of nothingness? It’s that none of this, none of the world, none of the plans and outcomes of God’s plan found in man is about my life as MY life. But for HIS plan and intended outcome, the only true and real thing that will last.

    Yes, our lives have deep and eternal meaning. Yes, it serves us well to live “good” lives and to honor others as ourselves and serve and be of good cheer and be grateful for the moment. Yes a man who is blessed can go ahead and enjoy his blessings. However, life isn’t about these moments as the main plot point. One doesn’t live “good” for it’s own sake or for the pleasure of the man alone, but one lives “good” because he knows what is true and that what is true is from the authority on truth alone.

    Christ says He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). If this is to be true, then those who abide, turn to, trust in, apply his teachings, will have a “good” life as a result.

    I am not asking you to do anything here. Just sharing the thought that when you meditate on life from time to time, realizing that all of what there is now fading, shouldn’t cause massive panic or regret, even sadness, but can bring joy. Joy can be found in the reality that all things pass. All things except the Word, the Word that was brought to life. The Word manifested in Christ who came and walked this planet.

    Jesus. A real man. A real God. A relational God who is choosing to share with His people the truth that to find your life is outside of the you who finds it. But is only found when you come to the conclusion that your life isn’t about you, but Him.

    From here, truth can spread into decisions and perspectives that can alter decisions. You might find that you can let things go. You might find that what scripture says to do-to think of others as yourself as one thing, will become a natural process as you now think less of your own satisfaction as the ultimate outcome and see your life now found in Christ who brought redemption from the dark thoughts of this world alone- the thoughts that are riddled with fear, greed, lust, gluttony (which with peanut butter and my overindulgence demonstrated why we should NOT do that).

    When people talk about Christianity and what a Christian should and should not be doing, it’s not about us choosing from the place of us, the us that believed in the world as the point, but when we change our viewpoint, the things a Christian, or believer in Christ SHOULD do become more natural.

    We are natural creatures meaning we live our nature just like a dog lives theirs. What that nature is starts with how one views their life, which Christ reminds us is only truly found when someone gives up their life as their own and as a result, lives as Christ tells us in the Gospels.

    Now the passing of the peanut butter provides relief for the the me that chose to eat too much. The chilly air is no longer dominating my sensations (because I am in my office for one thing). But the negative sensations of my life are passed and I can feel a temporary relief. All the while knowing that there will be more discomfort right around the corner.

    It doesn’t really matter though, because if my life isn’t found as my life, then I can only find true relief in the Scriptures that indicate what vantage point one must truly see to live the best life.

    And it isn’t at the bottom of a 16 oz Smuckers Natural Peanut butter jar.

  • How to “Make Sense” of things.

    How to “Make Sense” of things.

    When I hear someone feels angry because their friend didn’t invite them to a party. It makes sense to feel angry.

    When I am told someone at work is trying to get them fired and they are scared. It makes sense to be fearful.

    When I am told that someone lost a child and is grieving-thinking about all the sad situations in the future that will never happen. It MAKES SENSE to grieve.

    Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels.com

    As a believer (so atheists and secularists and whatever “-ists” exist otherwise can turn back now), the unfortunate reality behind violence and corruption in this world is that it, unfortunately makes sense.

    In the Lord’s prayer that all good Christians have memorized by the age of seven (for me it was more like 25), there is a critical line in there to remember.

    “Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” – Mathew 6:10

    Thy Will, the Father’s Will, the Creator and knower of all things, His Will. Yes, THAT WIll.

    What is Jesus saying here? He’s reminding us that just like Adam and Eve sinned (without any social media or gun restrictions mind you) God’s allowance for freewill led us all to a choice.

    It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a historian) to see that one action from me today could have a significant impact on the future of someone else. For example, Adam and Eve sinned, then their kids sinned (with murder nonetheless), and so on and so forth. Many of us live in situations today where the decisions we make, the reason we make them due to the options available are bad or worse.

    Yesterday on a Utah college campus a man, Charlie Kirk was shot from a good distance away while witnesses watched the blood pour from his neck. A horrendous scene, one of many lately, which leaves people with one question. Why would a good God let bad things happen?

    How could God allow this? How could I just dismiss horrific events with a shrug of my shoulders and say “it’s not a surprise.” Public school shootings, racism, violence, child pornography, sex trafficking- all absolutely horrible. It’s answer to the great questions is simple really, it makes sense. But, it all only “makes sense” because we are a fallen creature, living less than (far far less than) we were intended.

    This world is the way it is not because it’s “God’s Will” but because of ours. All of us smart and knowledgeable humans have wills imposing on each other.

    I know that may sound negative during an already dark time, but it’s intended step out of the facade and into reality. If your best hope is yourself, or government change alone, then you are going to be continuously disappointed.

    When you see a violent act on whatever media you consume, remember, the initial impact may be violent, may be unexpected, may be a surprise even, but it unfortunately all makes sense. Mothers abandoning their children. Neighbors stealing from one another. Someone who just wants to make money because they believe that is the only way to happiness. Someone who was pushed too far, was too emotional, was too in their own head, never asked how their day was because nobody actually cared. These people came to the conclusion that the best thing to do was pull out a gun and shoot someone.

    Clearly, when you’ve gotten to a point where suicide, killing others, self-harm, etc “makes sense” you can tell you are not being influenced by the right things. This world has contributed to these ideas because, after all, it isn’t just God allowing bad things to happen, but he’s keeping his promise to let man choose.

    We’ve chosen wrong and our only hope is to repent (revisit life with new information) and come back to what we were made for, to live in Union with God the Father through the hope we have In Christ. It is only with the wisdom found in what God can provide where we can truly make right decisions with truly good intentions.

    If you’ve read this far, I assume yourself to be a believer in the God of the cosmos and His Son Jesus Christ. If you sit and meditate, grieve, and mourn loss and feel the pain of darkness around you, that makes sense, there is a need for that. I strongly recommend you staying in touch with those feelings. What I don’t think is appropriate is to start questioning “God’s plan” because of a need to blame someone.

    We are living in a world that Christ refers to as being run by the “Prince of the power of the air” (Ephesians 2:2), it’s no wonder a new shooting isn’t happening every day when you think about it like that.

    On a positive note, enjoy the trees today, the grass, your living children and people around you because they could be all gone tomorrow due to another imposition on God’s perfect design by man’s will.

    It might not “make sense” to think gratitude in times of struggle, and that’s OK. But it makes sense that we can all come back to the foundation of what it means to be a man, to be in Union with God, through the Son who died on the cross. Now that is the only way to finally start and “makes sense” of things.

  • The Cleverness of Christ.

    The Cleverness of Christ.

    Remember those classic 90s family sitcoms? Or maybe those gritty action movies with hyper-masculine heroes who never flinched no matter how large the explosion was behind them? There was always that one move—the classic power shift. The underdog, usually quiet and unassuming, suddenly reveals they were holding all the cards the whole time.

    Personal opinion here: The increased use of CGI and overall special effects has turned what made some of our heros significant- wit, cunning, cleverness, and problem solving, into whoever can sustain the most explosions.

    The real genius move goes like this:
    You ask questions. Not aggressively—just calm, curious, almost Socratic. You act like you’re trying to understand. And in doing so, you get the other person to reveal the truth themselves.

    Picture this: a well-dressed (why someone would wear khakis on a Saturday is beyond me) parent on a quiet Saturday afternoon walks into their daughter’s room- Full House vibes here, total Danny Tanner.
    “Hey Becky, you wouldn’t happen to have an treat I could have, would you?”
    Becky lights up. “Yeah, I did, Dad! I have a few in my drawer!”

    Boom. The power shift.
    In that moment, both parties know what just happened. The parent wasn’t asking out of curiosity—they knew. And Becky just confessed without even realizing it. No yelling, no accusations—just pure revelation. The moment becomes a gentle but firm teaching experience.

    This is a classic human dynamic, one we see in everything from Mr. Rogers to Die Hard.
    But guess who did it first?
    Jesus.

    In Luke 20:20–26, some legal experts and religious leaders try to trap Jesus in a political snare. They send undercover agents to ask him whether or not Jews should pay taxes to Caesar. It’s a setup:

    • If Jesus says “pay the tax,” he’s a traitor to his people, bowing to Rome and its idolatrous coins.
    • If he says “don’t pay,” he’s inciting rebellion—grounds for arrest.

    It’s a no-win situation.
    Or it would be, for anyone but Jesus.

    Instead of taking the bait, Jesus asks a simple question:
    “Show me a denarius.”
    And just like that—power shift.

    The moment they pull out the coin, everything unravels. The denarius had Caesar’s image on it, along with words honoring him like a god. By holding that coin, these supposed defenders of Jewish purity exposed their own allegiance to Rome. They revealed more than they intended, and Jesus didn’t have to lift a finger.

    He follows up with the famous line:
    “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.”

    In modern terms, you could have heard the mic drop. If posted on reels, the crowd would have hissed and booed at the undercover men. The caption would have read something like: “Simple Carpenter Unravels the Whole Religious Hierarchy With One Phrase.”

    This wasn’t just a clever answer. It was a moment of divine judo—using the momentum of their trap to reveal them. No shouting. No violence. Just wisdom, presence, and peace.

    Jesus shows us what it looks like to be powerful without posturing.
    To hold truth without needing to worry. To walk the path of righteousness, not for show, but because it is the only path that doesn’t end in destruction.

    Remember the line, “If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you tell this mountain to go into the ocean and it will.” (If you don’t it’s here: Mat. 17:20, Luke 17:6) Well, this is the Faith Christ has, the sort of faith that He was teaching about-an uninhibited connection with the creator overseer and holder of all things. So of course, if you are Jesus here, you know what to do and know despite all other human attempts, the perfect way to execute in any situation.

    Whether or not you believe Jesus was God (I do), you have to admit: that kind of clarity is God-like. It reflects something deeper—Genesis 1:27 tells us we’re made in the image of God. That means we carry the potential to walk through life with the same quiet strength, the same clear eyes, the same wise confidence.

    So take that with you.
    You never know when a coin, a calm question, or a little Christlike composure might just save the day.

  • Allegory…Imagination….and Merlin?

    Allegory…Imagination….and Merlin?

    C. S. Lewis seems like he came from another planet—his insights never grow stale; they mature like a good Calvin and Hobbes sketch- becoming more apparent the older you get.

    Speaking as a lay reader(because a scholar could really do these writings justice)—I am merely qualified to say Lewis shows profound cultural and spiritual insight, and inadvertently issues warnings to the culture in his fiction writings.

    The Cosmic Trilogy: A Transcendent View of Humanity

    In Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength, Lewis maps the cosmic drama of humanity’s true nature:

    • Through the Narnia chronicles and The Screwtape Letters, he proves he can “see” with a divine perspective—individuals matter, but they also serve a greater cosmic order.
    • He anticipates modern ethical dilemmas—humanity building Babel, killing morality, creating AI—all before they became our daily headlines.

    Out of the Silent Planet: What do you mean, “more?”

    One of the most chilling exchanges comes in Out of the Silent Planet. Ransom asks the peaceful hrossa, “What if another group takes more than they need?”
    They respond simply: “Why would they take more?”
    This contrast highlights how foreign greed seems to beings who live in harmony.

    The comparison with the pfifltriggi is equally poignant:

    Pfifltrigg: “All the pfifltriggi share the work of mining and stone craft equally.”
    Ransom: “On Earth, some people mine their whole lives so others can make art.”
    Pfifltrigg: “The art is more meaningful because of the hard work it takes to get the stone.”

    On Malacandra (Mars, the actual Silent Planet is Earth because we fell out of alignment with God and therefore is considered silent), labor and reward are intrinsically linked—nothing is divorced from its purpose. Conversely, our world often separates toil from its fruits. That disconnect? Lewis refers it as “bent,” or morally twisted.

    Perelandra: What We Might Have Been

    In Perelandra, Ransom and Weston confront an Eve-like figure, exploring a world untainted by rebellion. Lewis provokes the thought, “What if humanity could have avoided The Fall?” Lewis dares us to imagine our full potential—and contrasts it with the “superior” knowledge and technology we have today.

    That Hideous Strength: A Warning for Today

    The trilogy concludes with That Hideous Strength, where a once-legendary Merlin returns amid a technocratic, demonic think tank (the N.I.C.E.). It’s terrifyingly relevant—our age of AI and corporate control would fit right in Lewis’s world. The scene where Merlin frees animals is equally unforgettable.

    In this, the third book of the interplanetary drama, the way in which Lewis refers to the advancements of human race through the use of NICE mimics the pleasantries of AI and people today in service of potentially harmful intentions.

    Beyond being a Christian apologist (see Mere Christianity, Letters to Malcolm), Lewis crafted stories so readers continue to wrestle with his truths long after he was gone. He didn’t claim perfection—only that his purpose was to write meaningful fiction that points us toward our true calling.

    What Are We Here For?

    What are we meant to do? Are we fulfilling our unique purpose, or chasing everything but that? Lewis was someone grounded enough to tell stories that pointed to difficulties within a culture, giving so much meaning about living in the world, but not of it (John 17:14-16), and brave enough to show us what could happen if things don’t change.

    You: The Universe’s Missing Piece

    Each of us holds a spark that only we contain. Our story is our own—but it also weaves into something far larger. When we live according to what we think we should want, or think we should do, we aren’t living according to what we were actually meant to do, or meant to act.

    This isn’t recommending rebellion for rebellion’s sake, but rather to be you, and live according to what matters the most to you, will inevitably lead to the greatest things, as intended. Much like when sin entered the world and distorted the way of things, we too are like the original Adam, taking the coverup and running from the greatness we were intended for. Stop covering up. Stop living in denial. Be honest with yourself. Tell the truth. Let yourself suck at a sport, but keep playing.

    If nothing else, Lewis points us to Scripture—“there is nothing new under the sun”, Ecclesiastes 1:9—and that the only deeply new thing is rediscovering whose story we are living out, ours, or a parody of someone else’s.

  • Camping Theology and the Great Disconnect.

    Camping Theology and the Great Disconnect.

    A hearty breakfast before worship (God bless it).

    What is it about trees, open land, a pile of pancakes, a dining hall with a modern, cabin-esc vibe, basketball courts and highly weathered balls, not to forget, the ever-humbling Pickleball court that turns even the proud into the breathless… that makes it all feel so magical?

    No, this isn’t just any campsite. This is church camp.

    And yes—I’m 39 years old. I know. Church camp isn’t just for teens with underdeveloped frontal lobes. It’s for grown adults with student loans, aging knees, and deep questions about meaning, suffering, and why camp mattresses are still apparently made from recycled plastic cups.

    No. My foot was not over the line. (Photo Credit: Bre Gray- bregrayphotography.pixieset.com)

    At first glance, it’s a recipe you wouldn’t expect to nourish the soul: communal sleeping with nine other guys, unreasonably early mornings, and food so rich and hearty it feels like we’re dining with medieval royalty (minus the beheadings, plus a lot more cheese). And yet, somewhere between the 16-hour days, the constant change of sweaty clothes, and the silverware I didn’t have to wash, I remembered something.

    Every day had rhythm at camp: morning and evening worship services, time carved out for silence and scripture, group discussions about faith—where it’s lived, where it’s lost, and where we’re still fumbling in the dark. But it’s not just the programming. It’s what happens when we step outside the script of “real life” and into something slow, and never ending.

    At 39…my back starts to feel it.

    Be honest: our daily lives are designed to distract us from ourselves. We march through schedules, crush goals, pay off student loans (until the end of time), scroll endlessly, and quietly wonder, “Is this it?”

    But camp—the right kind of camp—brings you face to face with your own soul. You can’t outrun it out there. There’s nowhere to hide when you’re sitting around a well-crafted cabin table, under a star-pierced sky, holding a thermos of Minnesota’s finest tap, and realizing how long it’s been since you actually felt still.

    One of the biggest things I see as a therapist?

    People are disconnected from themselves.

    Not the version they present to the world. Not the curated personality or the productive employee or the “good” parent. I mean the real them. The one that’s still under there somewhere, buried beneath bills and burdens and the belief that if we just push hard enough, we’ll eventually feel okay.

    But here’s the catch:

    We don’t know why we do what we do.

    We think we know. We tell ourselves stories.

    But often, those stories aren’t true.

    That’s why reflection—real, sometimes uncomfortable reflection—is so important. Because if we don’t pause and reassess, we wake up one day bitter, cynical, and convinced that the best parts of life are behind us.

    Being with middle school through high school students this past week reminded me what it was like to be joyous and live in the moment. They had within them a camaraderie that we often don’t find in the routines of everyday life. These students had each other and they had, well, connection.

    Connection, especially the kind that touches the deepest part of our being, is what we were made for. Not just connection with people (though that’s crucial). But connection with God—the Creator who sees through all our layers and still longs to be close.

    And when we don’t connect with Him?

    We find substitute relationships:

    – With our careers

    – With approval

    – With achievement

    – With control

    But those things will fail us, sooner or later.

    They make terrible gods and even worse friends.

    Yet life isn’t shallow. Not at all. It’s deep and eternally significant. Every moment. Every choice. Every quiet ache.

    The tragedy is not that life lacks meaning, but that we rarely stop long enough to see how meaningful it actually is.

    And no, you don’t have to be at a camp with creaky bunks and bug spray in your hair to realign. You can pause for five minutes between Zoom calls, or in the carpool line, or right before you open another Microsoft Word doc, and simply ask:

    “What’s really going on in me right now?”

    “What do I want to be about today?”

    “God, are You near—and am I listening?”

    If you do that daily—even just for a week—you might be surprised. You might start to see your life with fresh eyes. You might remember that you are more than your resume, your obligations, or your debt-to-income ratio.

    Because here’s the truth:

    You can’t have a great marriage without effort.

    You can’t be a great athlete without training.

    And you can’t cultivate a soul without intentional time with the One who gave it to you.

    From where I stand, the greatest lack in most people’s lives is not time, not opportunity, not intelligence, or even love.

    It’s spiritual disconnection.

    From God. From truth. From themselves.

    But the good news?

    You can reconnect.

    Right now.

    No reservation needed.

    And maybe—just maybe—that’s where the real magic begins.

  • Ye: Loss. Brilliance.Faith.Trauma. and Yes-mental health

    Ye: Loss. Brilliance.Faith.Trauma. and Yes-mental health

    Genius, crazy, rich, antisemitic, controversial, chaos, egocentric, attention-seeking-These are all words that swirl around the name Kanye West. They’re also words that, if we’re being honest, have swirled around many of our names too, just without the a Kardashian and seven-part documentaries made about us.

    There’s something strangely egotistic in me to even have the urge I felt to even write this. Whether it’s a futile attempt to educate, or just an exercise in reflection, here I am, offering a few words on a person who seems to provoke something in nearly everyone. Ye makes it’s hard to look away.

    It was earlier this week—Monday and on to Tuesday—when news surfaced again about Ye. Or Kanye. Or Yeezy. You can read the article if you want to know the details. Personally I am still digesting the interview where he’s wearing a black White Supremest hood in a hotel room talking for 58 minutes about why he’s wearing the black hood in the first place. But that’s not really the point of this.

    What is the point?

    Maybe it’s this: despite all the controversy, all the confusion, this man keeps creating. Music. Fashion. Art. Controversy.

    And we keep buying it. After all, he didn’t get to be No.4 on the all time Hip Hop sales list by sucking at his craft. We keep listening. Some of us still remember the first time we heard Jesus Walks. For me, it was right after basic training in the summer of 2004. That song wasn’t just music—it was a a light in an otherwise dark era of music. Literally a light too, making one of his first singles be about Jesus, very light-bearing.

    But being good at a craft and rich doesn’t erase trauma. Creativity doesn’t cancel out pain. Nor does fame justify erratic behavior. But what happens when you start connecting the dots?

    What happens when we hear that childhood trauma shaped much of this man’s life—long before he had a platform to express it?

    What does that do to a boy, growing up and figuring out what it means to be a man?

    Kanye shared that he found magazines in his mom’s closet—magazines that shaped his understanding of sex, identity, and self-worth in ways that were far beyond his years. And long before the headlines, there was that little boy trying to make sense of what he saw, of all that he experienced.

    We all have experiences that shaped us, for better or worse. And here’s the kicker, we didn’t get to chose those experiences or decide how they affect us.

    So when we rush to label, to cancel, to condemn—what are we really doing? Are we holding someone accountable? Or are we just distancing ourselves from the parts of him that remind us of the parts we try to hide in ourselves?

    After all, isn’t pornography the bane of a young man’s existence these days? Are the adults now, failing to admit to themselves their own shaping of sex, relationships, what it means to be a man?

    Empathy is the bridge to forgiveness.
    Not because forgiveness means agreement. But because empathy allows us to see someone as someone—not as a headline, not as a cautionary tale, but as a human being formed by the sum total of his experiences.

    If you zoom in on Kanye West, you can isolate any number of choices, some of which are difficult to defend. But if someone zoomed in on your worst moment—your ugliest thought—what would they find?

    This isn’t a defense of bad behavior. It’s a reflection on how quick we are to misjudge when we don’t know the whole story.

    In C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce there is a man Len, a spirit who was a murderer in life, but now reconciled with God and is in Heaven. Another man, the Big Ghost believes he is a “good man” despite evidence that he was not. the Big Ghost character would be that of a man today, maybe you who demand’s recognition for being good, for doing right. Meanwhile that man, the character Big Ghost fails to repent and rejects heaven in the process. Yes, the murder remained in Heaven.

    Christ flipped the typical human narrative of what appears to be good may not be, and what appears to be distant or far from God may be the closest. Like Mr. West who has many faults, we too can choose to be the Big Ghost and cling to our own “goodness” and fail to relate to someone who is easy to categorize as a “bad” one.

    No person is defined by a single act—good or bad. If we believe otherwise, then we’re condemning ourselves every time we fail. We’re erasing nuance, context, and the messy truth that people are often doing the best they can with what they’ve got.

    To live with grace is to recognize that. It’s to understand that every decision is filtered through a complex web of history, beliefs, trauma, and identity. It’s not about excusing—but about seeing.

    And maybe that’s what Kanye, in all his chaotic truth, mirrors back to us. Maybe that’s why his story unnerves us. Because in his rawness, we’re forced to look at our own contradictions. Our own judgments. Our own worst parts. And if we’re honest, maybe they’re not as far from his as we’d like to believe.

    So the next time you’re tempted to judge—pause. Ask yourself this-is this about what they did, or what it stirred in me? Is this really about them—or is it about my own discomfort?

    Because the truth is, we all carry things that others wouldn’t understand. And we all hope—deep down—for grace when we least deserve it.

  • Be Better

    Be Better

    I should be reading my book, but I’m not.

    I shouldn’t have eaten so much peanut butter earlier, but I did.

    I should get more rest, but I don’t.

    I should….

    I’m not doing what I aught to be doing. Not what I want to be doing, I do plenty of that. In fact, some days, that’s all I do. But continuing to do what I want instead of the good things I don’t leads to misery, yet I end up choosing this repeatedly.

    But why? What mechanism in my brain doesn’t allow me to naturally do what I should be doing? Or in positive terms, why don’t I do more good things?

    I want good (or seemingly good) things, but instead I do everything I can to not do those things. I do the things which end up reinforcing the person I don’t want to be. So, why not just do the opposite of what I WANT and finally be the version of me I expect myself to be.

    But my will, my being, it is weak and my dreams lie at the crossroads of hard work and I don’t want to blvd.

    I believe that what is familiar is what the mind will always revert to without mindful intervention. But the question is, just how early in the process does one need to step in consciously to be able to stop the resulting familiar/“bad” behavior?

    Do I need to monitor my bagel in the morning because it could lead to crumbs, which triggers thoughts around mess and therefore stimulate stress which wears me down and causes my resolve to be better to deteriorate and I end up doing what I don’t want to do?

    Or is it earlier than the bagel, it’s at the grocery store when I bought the bagels? Or why do I buy bagels and not something else?

    What about my general thoughts on food anyway? Why don’t I eat more veggies instead of a bagel? Is the bagel an unsavory, familiar behavior from previous failures to do what I should be doing?

    And further back and further back…one quickly realizes that what we think we can control, or will, we can’t.

    So, how do I get to be the person I want to be if I continue to neglect what I should be doing? At this point, beating myself up for not doing something isn’t helping, so there has to be another way, right?

    In his book, Renovation of the Heart, the Philosopher and theologian Dallas Willard wrote about this concept of heart within Scripture.

    Jesus came to humans as God incarnate to first teach. He crossed into the human realm, where we live, in our space and time to present the best information humanity has ever heard. Here’s why our wills are not good enough to do what we need to do:

    Our brains are built to work a certain way that science still cannot fully figure out. However, throughout the Bible and throughout all of human history, man is shown to be fallible, leading to selfishness, corruptness, wars, greed, (spelling and grammatical errors as well) and constant toiling for more than what we need or have. Our hearts, or the main driving force behind why we really do what we do is faulty from the start based on the information and genetics from those who came before us, and those before them. Sin, yes sin altered humanity further from the creator and indulging in the self.

    How did Sin or rather placing our wills in place of God’s affect us so negatively, well, man is finite, God is infinate. You tell me who should be in charge. One who created, loves, and knows us better than we ever will and know the best, ultimate plan for the soul, or us, who at our best is saturated to the core in beliefs and actions that are very short-sighted.

    Descartes was right, “I think therefore I am.” Not just in the sense that because we can think we know we exist, but because how we think about ourself, or what we believe about ourself will then determine every decision thereafter putting us in tough spots or the wrong places regarding where we actually should be.

    If you think you are a loser, then you will make loser decisions. If you think you are the best at everything, nobody will like being around you.

    If man lives alternatively from God’s perfect design resulting in selfishness and self-centered and therefore self-righteousness, then shouldn’t we stop trying to do or be something and instead center ourselves as a creation and then an adopted child in the house of God?

    You see, psychology does a great job of explaining many great thinking concepts, and research reaffirms some things. But psychology without including our relationship to God falls incredibly short and then places too much weight on the person to actively try and change to become this “better person.”

    We believe many things to be good and right, but what if the foundation of our beliefs is faulty? Just what if what you think to be good because it feels good or feels acceptable is really just the same faulty thing over and over again?

    In summary, because this is a blog post and not a thesis, you can’t will your way to being a better person, you can only attempt to do more outward things, which has value, but it doesn’t change the insides, it doesn’t touch the heart of the matter.

    Faith, in the fact that humans, animals, the planet, galaxy, every molecule, atom, and quark are all based on God’s word holding it all together, then places Faith in the words of Christ from whom we can actually learn how to be these “better” people. Not from our will or effort, by the opposite actually, buy willingly giving up our wills to God’s will and practicing the act of submission that the almighty God, the most intelligent, creative, loving, compassionate, understanding being who holds all of life and material together, knows what He is doing.

    Look, if life is this continued cycle of trying and failing, and trying again, then why not just meditate on the possibility that nothing will get better, really, internally, without a willingness to place the compassionate creator as the driving of your heart and what you want.

    “Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” – Matthew 6:10

    God has given us a choice to either keep our heart closed and keep trying to drive our own program or to open that heart from the inside to let Him in to drive it towards where we aught to be.

    “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”- Matthew 16:25

    From where I stand, even if it’s a minor possibility that what I said here, what Scripture says, and theologians much smarter than me have said is true, then it’s worth the effort to think about.

    This could actually be the change you’re looking for to finally, “be better.”

  • Bad Choices?

    Bad Choices?

    When I was 19 I got my first tattoo. I was told that it meant “forgive” in, “Chinese.” I apologize to any pacific islander by overly assuming that all symbol language is simply, Chinese.

    At 23, I took 18 credit hours, including both a microbiology course and a biochem class (both had labs).

    At 32 I tried to mix greek yogurt and hot coffee for a protein coffee drink (We were out of protein powder).

    At 37 I ran outside for two hours when it was -10 degrees, plus the windchill factor it was more like -17.

    Let’s just say that I have made some questionable choices in my life, that at the time (and is publicaly stated), were “bad”.

    I never intended to make a “bad” choice when I made the choice however. At the moment I tried to make my coffee drink I thought of yogurt being a dairy product. We put dairy in our coffees all the time. I thought, “well, based on experience, this should work.” When the sour yogurt and the hot bitter coffee combined, the cottage-cheese formed substance partially cooked and I ended up with a cheesy-sorta-coagulated crust atop the still hot and still bitter coffee. Again, no step leading up to this mess was necessarily “bad” but was the best I had at the time.

    That’s the kicker though isn’t it? We all make choices in the moment with the information we have at the time. Anyone can look back on any point in life and judge from the now-perspective and information and say that a choice was bad.

    Nothing is “bad” to our mind at the time, but simply the best we had.

    Sure, there is always a context in every decision. For example, the tattoo was during a time when I had lost contact with a good friend. I decided it was not only cool to get my first tattoo, but noble I would put “forgive” on my back. Also, to put forgive in a symbol of another culture just seemed so open-minded. I really thought this was the absolute best idea. I really put my best foot forward and still, 20-years later have this obscure tattoo which I still haven’t looked up to what it really means.

    What the tattoo, cottage cheese coffee, the almost-frost-bitten run taught me was invaluable wisdom. I have the experience, not just the knowledge or concept, the actual experience to say, “you should probably Google search that before you do it.”

    But, more importantly, I have empathy when someone makes a mistake or wrongs me because of these and other experiences.

    If you’ve ever gotten upset and did anything irrational, then you can relate to the next guy who wrongs you. If you have ever wanted something and didn’t have the money and considered the thought to just take it, you can connect with a robber in jail or the next Billionaire who is arrested for corrupt practices.

    From where I stand, forgiveness should be as common in life as our own experience has taught us. No, I have never been high on meth, up for seven days, and then thought I could build a time machine. However, I have had times where I was up all night and the next day thought that I could sleep at work with just one-eye closed and then switch eyes to sneak in some naps. Neither of our choices make logical sense, if not scientific impossibilities, so why should I, rationally speaking of course, judge someone else, or dissaociate from them because of something they did that I can relate to.

    To judge is to distance yourself from associating with someone else. When you let your judgement down and sit with the fact that you can relate, if you choose to, then you can find forgiveness. Don’t forgive someone to be the better person, the bigger man, the humble one. Forgive someone because you know that you are forgiven for your wrongs, and that is what we can do for others, if we choose to.